When I started this blog I decided I wanted to be honest as possible about the stupid disease. Last night we went down to listen to some music, have dinner and a few beers at an outdoor event. It was a really nice evening and I had a good time. I ended up ruining the night though with the bad attitude.
I find it very frustrating now that I cannot drive my own chair. I cannot feed myself or give myself something to drink. I'm totally dependent on others around me and this is made even worse because my voice is so faint that when there was background music no one could understand me.
When it was time to leave we ended up having problems getting me into the van in the right position for the locking mechanism. I got driven into the dashboard and it hurts my knees. I tried to say "back up" but I'm not sure it came out very loud and so I got driven into the dashboard a 2nd time and that hurt even more. In my frustration I swore at my wife and I felt terrible about it ever since. I've hurt her feelings before and that was not my intention today but I was just frustrated and took it out on her. We finally got locked in and came home. I apologize to everyone who heard me cuss. It has always been one of my greatest weaknesses and seems to come out more often than I care to admit. Since I can't drive my own chair anymore, my attitude has suffered.
If this is me being honest, I wish I could say I learned something from it, but I don't think that will happen. I need to learn how to accept being dependent. My wife is great at guessing what I'm trying to say or guessing what I need. She is a great caregiver and I feel bad about my attitude.
I find it very frustrating now that I cannot drive my own chair. I cannot feed myself or give myself something to drink. I'm totally dependent on others around me and this is made even worse because my voice is so faint that when there was background music no one could understand me.
When it was time to leave we ended up having problems getting me into the van in the right position for the locking mechanism. I got driven into the dashboard and it hurts my knees. I tried to say "back up" but I'm not sure it came out very loud and so I got driven into the dashboard a 2nd time and that hurt even more. In my frustration I swore at my wife and I felt terrible about it ever since. I've hurt her feelings before and that was not my intention today but I was just frustrated and took it out on her. We finally got locked in and came home. I apologize to everyone who heard me cuss. It has always been one of my greatest weaknesses and seems to come out more often than I care to admit. Since I can't drive my own chair anymore, my attitude has suffered.
If this is me being honest, I wish I could say I learned something from it, but I don't think that will happen. I need to learn how to accept being dependent. My wife is great at guessing what I'm trying to say or guessing what I need. She is a great caregiver and I feel bad about my attitude.
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