Phil’s Christian testimony

I came to Jesus when I was 25. By many accounts this is late in life and there are many subplots but I will try to keep this testimony to the salient points. About the time I started elementary school we had moved to a newer neighborhood on the western edge of Omaha. I had a pretty normal upbringing until I was 10. In the fall of that year my mother passed away quite suddenly. My father was devastated and had three children to raise. My sister was one year older and my little brother was nine years younger and still a baby. At the time of my mother’s passing I was told “that God needed her more than we did”. All my brother and sister and I and many turns and twists in the following years it was this statement that stuck with me.

The following years were not kind to the Gorman children and as we endured major change after major change I often remembered I was told that God needed my mother more than we did. My anger toward God multiplied. One way I dealt with this  anger was to disbelieve there was a God. As a young adult I met my wife and she tempered the anger. Even with her presence my anger toward God still showed itself in self-destructive behavior.

I used to go trout fishing and Northeast Iowa quite often during my teens and 20s. From the beauty and order of creation I could see there was a God but my anger led me to disbelieve. On one occasion I was fishing a stream that went through an open pasture near Dorchester Iowa. A storm front started to move in and was led by much lightening in the distance. As the front marched toward me I did not seek shelter. In my anger I looked up at the sky and said out loud “God if you are real strike me dead with one of those bolts”. This did not happen but I went home with the thought of why would I lash out at a God that didn’t exist! This was the beginning of a path to finding the truth about God.

I decided to start reading the Bible in order to prove it was wrong. Very arrogant of me and pride is a huge stumbling needing to be overcome. I had my mother’s Bible which was in old English and started reading in Genesis. When I got to Leviticus I waded through it but stalled out in Numbers and Deuteronomy. I moved ahead do Proverbs because my grandmother always referred to it.

Due to the wisdom in Proverbs I kept trying to make myself better based on its teachings. Of course the better I became on the outside the worse I felt on the inside. I knew a standard now and had no power to achieve. Drinking was a serious problem in my life. Or more accurately getting drunk was the problem. It numbed the pain and anger but made me an unpleasant fellow. I also had a serious problem with swearing and cussing. This was the habit I found the most difficult. No matter how hard I tried I could not quit. It was very humbling to know what was right but be unable to do it. I eventually started reading the Gospels.

By this time I was married, had a mortgage, and a baby on the way. As the birth of the baby approached I became more desperate to know the truth and to live it. By the time our first child was born I could say I knew these things:

1)      The Bible was true.

2)      God was good and had a standard to live by.

3)      I could not achieve this standard.

4)      If I could just get a little better then I could avail myself of his salvation.

So I struggled on trying to make myself better. Then I was laid off from my job. I had a lot of time on my hands and a newborn son I was responsible for. Inside I was in agony. During one of my job searches Janette’s grandmother babysat our newborn. She brought a book to read that was on the book of Hebrews. She forgot it when she left and I took advantage and read it that afternoon and evening. While reading it I came across a portion that talked about remission of sin: “And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission.” Hebrews 9:22 KJV, I realized all the work was done for me. I could not make myself good enough and I cast myself on the grace of God and his provision for my sin.

As I read this ministry about the book of Hebrews and read further in Hebrews 10. “By the which will we are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. And every priest standeth daily ministering and offering oftentimes the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins: But this man, after he had offered one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down on the right hand of God; From henceforth expecting till his enemies be made his footstool. For by one offering he hath perfected for ever them that are sanctified.” Hebrews 10:10-14 KJV. I found all the knowledge I had accumulated by reading the Old Testament and the New Testament clicked into place.

Immediately a huge weight lifted off me. The burden of trying to make myself better and the weight of my sin was gone. Thus began my spiritual journey that I am on today. I am so thankful for the gentle calling of Jesus. There is a hymn that says “softly and tenderly Jesus is calling, calling for you and for me”. In the Gospel of John he says: “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:” John 10:27 KJ. I’m so glad that he gently and persistently called me. Not a day goes by without my need for him and his mercy and grace.