Macy passed on – in memoriam.

We lost our beautiful, sweet kitty on Tuesday due to kidney failure. She seemed to hold on just long enough for us to hold her, pet her, scratch her ears and tell her we love her. My heart is broken.

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Wrote this Sunday, wasn't in the best of moods

I know I promised a 3rd installment on the prodigal son and I am trying to get motivated to post that. Other things have been occupying my mind. All of the right arm functioning that I got with my 1st 2 infusions of Ocrevus is gone. I can no longer move my right arm and hand again and wasn't able to drive my chair this week. I was whining about it to my wife and she said the restoration may have been a side effect of the steroids they give me with the drug. It never crossed my mind that I think she's right. I guess I just have to be patient and more patient and more patient. It's very frustrating for me and I'm afraid I burden her way too much physically and emotionally.
I complained to her, overwhelm her with requests and I wish I could figure out a way to give her a break. There are some things she has to for me that we would never ask anyone else to do. So I guess she is stuck with me and my whiny attitude. I should be ashamed to admit that almost every day I pray that the Lord would just take me home and free her from the burden of caring for me. Every morning when I wake up I should be full of praise that God is merciful but I wake up disappointed that he didn't take me home while I was asleep. When I was able, I couldn't bring myself to end my life but I would be so glad if the Lord let me out of this disease. Maybe the MS infusion will have a long-term benefit for right now I can say it has stopped the progression but I haven't got anything back over all.
Well I hope my honesty does not cause you to worry about me or be upset with me. To me taking the easy way out would be horrible for my family and especially for whoever bound me. I still have a lot of optimism about this new drug and hope it ends up restoring some physical benefits.

God bless sick pets and children.

I mentioned that Macy wasn't eating the other day and it has gotten worse. My dear wife took the poor kitty to the vet on Thursday. She had lost 3 pounds since July and she went for her regular checkup. They are doing blood work and we're supposed to get the results Monday. The vet guest like guessed hypoglycemic but we won't know until the blood work comes in. If juice diagnosed with that is actually the best case as far as her treatment. Today my wife held her and fed her chicken broth using a syringe. It was pretty sweet to the and the kitty actually took it and that slept where the dog sleeps on the couch. He never went over there by her so we don't really know what he would think of it. I'm glad she has someone to take care for because my condition is so much worse than I ever would have guessed 6 years ago when I got her. She looked pretty sweet sleeping on the couch all sprawled out because it she knows and we know this is her domain and she can do what she wants. She bounces between being a queen and being a princess. It's really hard to watch our pets suffer.
I can imagine how people with sick children suffer. I have commented on a little girl named Evie who is had a kidney transplant due to cancer. Last week she was diagnosed with laying on the brain and the tumor there. It turned out after surgery that that tumor was not cancerous. She is on chemo now because the doctors really don't know how advanced the cancer was before her transplant. This go round she is been in the hospital and this is day number 14. She is an inspiration and an example to anyone who has any contact with her. We pray for her and hope that she eventually beats this group of medical problems. She is Artie been through so much it makes my heart ache for her and her family. It but perspective on my disease and I feel ashamed that her attitude is somewhat better than mine.

My thoughts on the prodigal son part 2

My thoughts on the prodigal son left off with him being destitute and eating pig slop to stay alive. This is when he remembers the goodness of his father. He humbles himself, deciding to go back and begging his father and becoming one of the servants. He remembers his father took it care the servants. This is the part of the story is most familiar to people in many times people say "the prodigal as returned" to indicate a turning point in a young person's life. I don't think that happened to the son while he was living with the pigs. I think it happened later because of the fathers response to his return.
As he returns to his original home and father the father is waiting for him and looking for him. We're not told how long the son was away. As a minimum I'm sure it is weeks, possibly months and even a year. Being a father of 3 sons understand the fathers part of this. Every day is waiting for the return of the son because he knows how unfriendly the world is and he knows he is nothing but love for the son regardless of how the son views him. The father your and for the son to return. In this story the father represents God and the son represents the wayward. Jesus said that the father sent him (Jesus) to seek and to save that which was lost. When the sun returns he finds out that the father has been waiting for him. This is true of our God. Is waiting for sinners to repent and come to him through Jesus Christ. Some of us like a prodigal have to hit bottom before we wake up to the father's love. Some never need to experience this and know the father's love. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the father ran to him when he saw him a far off. Can you imagine the prodigal coming home and seeing an old man running to greet him. Earlier in Luke 15 it says there is joy in heaven months the Angels and one sinner repents. This is the most familiar portion of Luke 15 the prodigal.
In this portion where he introduced to a group called the father servants. The prodigal is going to ask to become one of them because they are well treated. The father doesn't bring this up but falls upon the son and weeps because it returned. I will leave off here but there is more to speak of about the older son and the father servants and the fathers reaction to the son to return. Hopefully it will post this in the near future.
I think I have mentioned this before but there is a hymn that goes "softly and gently Jesus is calling, calling for you and for me…come home oh sinner, come home. It's also good to remember that the book of Romans tells us "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. No one is left out of this group.
Thank you for reading my blog. Your friend Phil

My thoughts of the prodigal son – part 1

A while back I posted that I would talk about the book of Luke chapter 15 and the prodigal son. I should start out by saying that this is not a made up story, parable or myth. Jesus says "there was a man…" So these people really existed. Most people look at this and see the prodigal son and the father but when I read it I see 5 distinct entities. The main ones of course are the prodigal son (younger) the father and the older son. The other 2 groups would be the ones the prodigal went to with his inheritance, and fell in with. There is also a group referred to as the father's servants, so there are 3 main entities and two minor ones to consider.
I would have to say that during my life (I'm 60 years old) at one time or another I've been in all these groups. We grew up religious but as I grew into my teenage years I became an agnostic, then an atheist, then agnostic again and then when I was in my mid-20s I started reading the Bible and became religious and then eventually turn to Christ I Lord and Savior. To me the people live in the far country or the son goes would go inside in my opinion the people in the far country. As far away from God as we can get. During my time as an agnostic and atheist I hated for anyone to bring up religion, God or Jesus to me. I was an angry bitter person.
I'm not going to post many quotes because I think you can read it for yourself. Were all familiar with the part of the story where the prodigal leaves with his half of the inheritance. He goes to a far country and falls in with some locals. One thing that I have read is that when the prodigal demanded his half of the inheritance that was also saying, in that culture, "that he wishes the father were dead". He demands and the father acquiesces and gives him half of everything. This is probably a little unusual in that culture for a son to demand this and a father to acquiesce. This young son must've been full of anger because he went to a far country as if he wanted to get away from his family as far as he could.
Of course since the younger son is flush with cash, he finds many friends in this new location. Money always attracts other people who care more about what you can do for them with your goods than  they care about you. In this process the son loses everything. We're not told how long it was or how he went through is inheritance. Perhaps he was just the life of the party and threw away money for his fake friends and used it for partying. Perhaps he was the victim of someone trying to swindle him. I think it's possibly both but as the story points out he ends up with nothing.
So these people in a far country were really no friends of his. To me these people represent those who are far from God. They look forward to embarrassing people who have a Christian upbringing but don't really live in that way. I think the more they can embarrass someone like that the better they feel about themselves.
So I'm going to end this post reminding you that the son becomes destitute and his new "friends" find a job for him feeding swine and his food is what the pigs get to eat: pig slop. This reminds me of a larger situation. As long as you're valuable, you can find a place in this world but if you become poor there's really not much compassion. You find out your new friends only wanted you for your money and were not friends and all.

Cat problems

Last week I was feeling pretty grumpy because of my MS. This week I am remembering that I need to be patient to see how this new drug works.
One problem that has popped up is that the cat, Macy, doesn't seem to be eating very well. She has been losing weight for quite a while my wife noticed the other day that she hadn't eaten much food in 3 days. I'm a little worried about her. I got online and looked it up and it seems like it might be something serious. She's always preferred dry food since we got her and would not eat fish or tuna. Matt tried replacing her food with the new batch and hopefully she will eat some. The website also suggested fish oil, broth or cooked egg. Hopefully she'll snap out of this. She just went to the vet at the end of June so I don't think it's her teeth that are bothering her or they would've said something I think. I hope we can figure this out without too much trouble. She has gotten used to the dog and doesn't run away the company there are now. We don't think it's the dog being around that is bothering her. I love my kitty and I wanted to be happy.

So-called "Acts of God"?

Well I've been pretty grumpy this week so I wasn't going to post on my blog but I keep reading the same thing and I would like to try to make a point if I may. Earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes and other disastrous events are not "Acts of God". I will repeat myself these things are NOT acts of God. What are my reasons for saying this? One of them is the book of Job would tells us where these disastrous acts come from. I will let you look it up and read it on your own. What happens is Job is "allowed by God" but not caused by him.
In one of the Gospels, possibly Luke I don't remember and him to grumpy to look it up for you, Jesus asked if a particular tower that fell on people prove that they were sinners above others. He then answered his own question with Nay but unless you repent you will likewise perish. You see God wants to save you from a world that is tainted by sin. Evil exists in the world and sinful mankind gravitates toward it. Also in Galatians it says "as a man sows so shall he reap". If man kind sows to climate change that is what we will get. If mankind sows to having pesticides permeating every aspect of our lives after 50 something years of it, guess what we will reap what we sowed. There are many books on this subject and the science of it cannot be argued with. So that is one of the many things that people ignore in the Bible is that while we do leads to what we get. If we sow to corruption (negative things) that he will we will reap.

Weekend Activities and Mood Swings

I've sure been on a roller coaster lately with my emotional state. Friday evening we went to listen to music at NewBo City market. We had never heard of the band but they sounded interesting from the description, and we could get food and beer and we could take Atlas with us. Since it was just my wife and I, she had to wrestle with getting me out of the van and controlling Atlas at the same time. She did really good on this and we were able to get a table. Later some of her sisters and their husbands showed up. She had some cheap little carabiner to hook Atlas to my chest strap when she went to get food and beer. She warned her sister that there were other dogs coming so watch Atlas. A guy walked by with 2 dogs and I don't think he reacted but when the guy came by with the German Shepherd he took off. Our son's roommate had a German Shepherd and we think that is why Atlas react so strongly to them. Off he went and bent the carabiner straight, and scratched my arm with it and pulled the center strap off my rig. My sister-in-law grabbed him before he got too far.
On Saturday we watched the Iowa Hawkeyes play the Iowa State Cyclones. It was a pretty exciting game and the Hawkeyes ended up winning in overtime. ISU played well enough to win and except for a few plays they should have, so I'm afraid that loss might be heartbreaking for them. After the game we took Atlas to the dog park. Since Labor Day weekend at the cabin he's not really been the same. He chased down the ball and brought it back like he always does and then we stopped at the Pavilion so I could be in the shade for a while. While there, we met a golden retriever, and a pitbull came over to see us. Atlas chased the ball for a while and then just set it down. The pitbull ran around with it for a while with then brought back. Later the pitbull started playing with Atlas like Atlas's old English sheepdog friend does. It's sort of like wrestling. Atlas growled at him and then snapped at him. That was very uncharacteristic of him and we separated the 2 and no more problems. Later while we were walking around the track Atlas wouldn't go get his ball. My wife would it away and got out is fetching dummy. He takes a dummy very seriously and when the lay down to rest he laid on top of it so nobody could get it. It was pretty funny! Later that night we had a campfire out back in the fire pit. 2 of her sisters and their husbands joined us as well as 2 other dogs. One is a Sheltie and has enough white that we could always see where he
was. Atlas was there and so was Chip the chocolate lab. Neither of those could be seen in the dark. My brother-in-law was petting one of them and said "I have Atlas here so that dog must be Chip." The other brother-in-law said, "no this is Atlas's that must be Chip." It was hilarious.
Sunday I woke up very depressed. It's been 3 days since I've been able to move my right arm and it seemed like I was going backwards. I ended up having my wife take me out to the screen porch because I didn't want my bad mood to spread. I was a very bad and pitiful mood the whole day. Is very frustrating to get a little use of my arm back and think it will get better every day only to have it go dead again. I was also having intestinal cramping for the 2nd day in a row. My digestive problems have increased probably because I am so inactive. I thought the cat would come out when I was on the porch and she did once but would not climb up on my lap like she used to do. This didn't do my mood any favors. I whined a lot when my wife put me to bed and watched Amazon TV until I was ready to sleep.
When my wife got up for work I realized I was able to move my right arm from side to side away from my body. After she got me up I was able to drive my chair back to living room. I had trouble getting my hand off the control when I got to living room but that has been pretty common so far. So I'm not sure what to expect from day to day. I keep hoping I can get to where I can confidently drive my chair myself. Also to be able to scratch the kitty's chin so she likes me again. I do like her but the feelings don't seem to go both ways. Hopefully my right arm gets good enough that I can feed myself again. Sometimes is doesn't seem like much and other times it seems like it will be a miracle if it happens. I have been really up-and-down but I try not to spread my bad mood. I think my wife ends up listening to my complaints since I don't share them with everybody. To me this disease is is worse for her that it is for me. She takes really good care of me.

Medical updates – September

It's been a few weeks since my 1st infusion and a little over a week since my last infusion of 300 mg. The day after my 1st infusion I drove my chair quite a bit. Next day – nothing. Since my 1st infusion I have been able to drive my chair 4 times. Twice I have been able to move my hand on the joystick by myself but usually my wife has to move it over and then I can drive it a little bit. My only route since the 1st day has been from my bedroom to my PC table in the living room. This gives me some optimism that over time I will get some use of my right hand back. My right hand was the last thing I lost the use of and so I think it will be the 1st thing I get back if I get back anything.
The main emphasis with this drug is that it stop the progression of the disease or slows it way down. I'm supposed to be glad if it just halts the advancement because MS affects my breathing, speech and thinking as well as my neck which right now works fairly well. To the neurologist the breathing is the most critical.
I have started using a BiPAP breathing machine between when I go to bed and when my wife gets up to go to work. This has given me more stamina to speak and breathe better in the afternoons and evenings.
Sometimes my Smyle Mouse program works with the nose mask on and sometimes it doesn't work very well. Once I have it on all I do is try to read Kindle books and use mouse control to turn the pages. When it works I'm really glad because I usually read before I fall asleep. Watching Amazon videos does not help me sleep and tends to keep me awake so I like reading because it slows my brain down and I can fall sleep easier. I keep trying to figure out how to get my Smile Mouse to work consistently. So far I have not been successful. Like last night it worked for about 45 minutes and then just quit recognizing my face. I'm glad when it works but I wish it worked a little more consistently.

Labor Day post – a little late

It's been a while since I posted because I can only post if I'm here by myself. If there's any background noise my voice software gets more wacky than it is when I'm by myself. It picks up anything except what I say. People getting ice from the fridge, bad. Dog barking, bad. Even if I breathe hard it puts the word will in. Can't say I understand that one. So now I'm going to post about Labor Day. I went to my mother-in-law's cabin on the Wasps River and it was two labs and two part labs tearing around and making things enjoyable.

This is a photo of a friend and neighbors granddaughter who is 8 years old. Like my wife and her sisters she is a river girl and loves the water in the river. She started out throwing the dummy in the water for Atlas. The other 2 half labs are from the same litter and all they wanted to do was chase each other around. After about an hour the little girl switch to throwing the ball with the ball thrower. She would throw the ball and Atlas would go get it. She asked my wife to make him stop and my wife told her just quit throwing it and he will stop. She said he keeps bringing it back to me and stares at me and I can't stop. He is a ball fetching machine.
I was a little reluctant to go to the cabin because it is usually very buggy. There was a little pretty stiff breeze on Labor Day so the bugs were not really a problem. It was right on the edge of being chilly because of the breeze and cloudiness. All in all I had a great day.
Monday night my wife was sick and she called in sick to work on Tuesday. We woke up and I asked her what time it was and she said it was 11 AM. We must've both went back to sleep because it was 1:30 PM before we got up. Makes for a pretty short day but we both must've been worn out because we still naps in the afternoon and were still able to sleep to say night. I hope to post later about the new MS drug and how I am doing.

Psalm 25

You might remember that I've been reading in Psalms or more properly having Psalms read to me read to me by my computer. This  verse has always stood out to me because of many reasons. One, it is the opposite of what we think God wants and two, it seems presumptuous. This is the verse:
Psalms 11 For thy name's sake, O Lord, pardon mine iniquity; for it is great.
This Psalm is attributed to David. David had a great start as God's man but then in late life was befallen by a number of weaknesses and sins. He is always called "a man after God's own heart". Does this mean that God overlooks sin? No one reading about David would come to that conclusion so the answer is no. What makes David a man of God is that he knows God's heart. He knows God forgives sin and wants a relationship. David may err and sin but he always falls back on God's great mercy because it is the only hope. God's righteous and then in David's cases he suffers at the hand of a just God but also receives God's mercy. God is not only righteous but he is merciful to those who seek him.
This Psalm verse reminds me of when the prodigal son returned to his father. This is in Luke 15. I hope to share more on that story because it is so much more than just the prodigal. It involves both sons and the father and mirrors the human condition. I hope to follow up on this later time. Friday afternoons and the weekend are hard to find time when there is no one near that I can have complete silence. I can ask for it when people are here like my wife or sons, but really don't want to because I enjoy their company.