Animal channel – I guess I'm squeamish

A few weeks ago when our son Tom was home he put the TV on the Animal Channel before he left to go play golf. It was a special show about how lions and cheetahs fought for the same territory. Because of this both contributed to their future outlook in a negative way. The show was also about what they called a "super pride" of lions. They followed this super pride because it was very unusual for one to get this large. I think it was about 4 times bigger than normal pride. The show was very informative and found out that when there too many females they get kicked out and after form their own pride nearby. Of course the video of these animals is fantastic.
Tom asked if he could leave it on the channel when he left. Right before he left they showed apparent cheetahs attacking and dragging off a small wildebeest baby. I used to think I was pretty tough minded but now I find it really bothers me when these animals kill babies. It was pretty hard to watch but when Tom asked me if I want to leave the channel I said yes because there probably wouldn't be any more video of things like that since they already showed it. Sad to say I was wrong. A little later they showed some female lion's attack a baby giraffe. In spite of the mother giraffe trying to stomp on them they succeeded in killing the baby and dragging it away. It was heart wrenching.
Later on they showed a lion attack a musk ox and it did not bother me much. The females were attacking it in then all of a sudden a male lion ran over and grabbed this huge animal by the back of the neck, threw it down and then killed it. I am now terrified of male lions. I realize now why the native tribes are afraid of them. Their power was unbelievable to see.
So I learned a bunch of things that day, one of which is that I am squeamish about things that I didn't think I would be. I also learned why people are terrified of male lions. Wow! They also said something kind of funny, sort of at the end of the show. They said our house cats are very similar to these big cats. They also said the only reason we keep them as pets is because they don't eat our children. It may be think of all the times our cat looked at me like "you're lucky I don't kill you".

MS Effects – April

This is the time of year, along with fall, that I miss my previous abilities. This time of year I would be looking for ways to go kayaking, and years ago, trout fishing. Now I am in a wheelchair and can see outside through our front living room window. We live in a 50's type neighborhood with a lot of mature trees. There are a lot of birds and they are fun to watch.
One of the hardest things to get used to is when I see people walk by with their dogs. I haven't had a dog I walked since the 90s. I think now though that if I could use my hands and still be able to get out of the house I could have a dog. I could take it for walks around the neighborhood with my chair if I have trained them right.
Every day now as the weather improves I see more and more people walking dogs. For some reason this year this is been harder on me than other years. There are so many dog walkers in this neighborhood. Is enjoyable to see all the different types dog. What's funny is I can remember a dog's name but cannot remember the person's name. There used to be older couple who walked to dachshunds. Their names were Emma and Kalua. The dogs were older so these people would bring a baby stroller along with them. When the older one got tired they got to ride in the stroller. I haven't seen them for a couple of years so one must had to go to some sort of care type situation. The people I mean. My wife thinks it's funny that I can still remember the dog names but not the people's names.
There is a cocker spaniel with a very feminine haircut named Maggie. We see them walk a lot and I referred to them as Maggie's parents. Our neighbor as told us many times the couple's names but I can't remember them but I remember the dog's name.
Well that is my MS complaint for the day. With the Lord's help I find I can accept my symptoms but sometimes, like this time of year, it's more difficult. When it gets hot out I don't miss going outdoors. The perfect weather for kayaking to me was 50° and cloudy. You are always supposed to dress for the water temperatures so that is why I like this type of weather. I can wear neoprene and not get too hot paddling.

Miscellaneous updates.

Miscellaneous updates:
There is a drug on the market now that it is approved for my type of MS. I called the neurologist a couple weeks ago and I could see him the next day but I missed out due to my inability to communicate quick enough. When I called back to make an appointment May 25 was the soonest he could see me. This is one of the reasons I haven't been to see him since I could no longer work. I saw him regularly so we could track my disability so when it came time for work to end he could fill out the forms. Since my a type of MS has no treatment and every time I call them with the new symptoms that needed dealt with he would refer me to my primary care physician. So when I called they seem kind of put out that I hadn't seen them for so long. One biggest frustrations with MS as been dealing with the neurology department at PCI. They don't seem to think anything is a big deal but they want me to come in regularly.
My wife called them the other day to see if she could get me in to see a different neurologist. They acted like she was out of her mind at asking something so bizarre. Cedar Rapids is not a very big market and so there are not many neurologist that deal with MS. If anyone knows one let me know. I can't say my neurologist is been much help.
This week is been pretty up and down. Wednesday was an awful day inside my head. I woke up in a bad mood and spent an hour dwelling on what essentially is crap. I couldn't shake that mood the rest of the day and could only wait for bedtime so I could go to sleep again. Thursday was a better day. My brother-in-law Mike has been coming over on Thursdays to chat and study a little bit of the Bible. I'm really glad for this. There are times when I try to talk and literally nothing comes out. He is pretty patient. Sometimes it is 5 or 10 minutes before I can get something out.
I'm becoming more frustrated with my voice software. It seems like simple words come across incorrectly like he is often you. Seems bizarrely stupid to me. It's hard to proofread stuff so I know you'll forgive me for my poor grammar. When I breathe it sometime put words in and often inputs in the word will. Seems a strange word to come up with.
I'm working on getting a 2nd PC to use in the bedroom because I can no longer run my iPad. All that its waiting is for my son do set up Smyle Mouse.
Our son Tom is being deployed overseas in June. He is having a chain-link fence put in our backyard so we can have his dog Atlas. Atlas doesn't really need the fence but we're afraid that if he is out there other dogs might come in and who knows how they would feel about him. One of the neighbors tiny little dogs seems to hate him. Not sure why because everybody loves him. He loves everybody to and is never been aggressive toward another animal or person.
I haven't been able to do crossword puzzle on my iPad for quite a while. When I lost that ability I really missed it. Last week I found an app that works on my PC. Now I find I don't enjoy them like I used to. I have a slight each letter using my smile tracking software and then click the letter. I try to do one a day but they do take quite a while. I think I like the iPad app because I can do 3 or 4 a night before I went to sleep. Using the smile tracking software I have to move my head a lot. It is a much more exhausting than just clicking with my finger when I could use my iPad. Well the good part is that I can read Kindle books using the smile tracking software. Pretty easy to turn pages. I can also use it to start Amazon Prime Video. I have been a prime member for a long time and am now using the videos. Lots of movies and a few good TV shows.
I have used H&R Block tax software for about 10 years. Last year I do our taxes with a little from my wife. This year I downloaded it and paid for online. The program worked without a problem when I did this. Then the late March wanted to file my taxes in the program wouldn't open. Their support is chat based rather than an email so I was stuck. I tried all sorts of things like closing programs, uninstalling and reinstalling and other things. Nothing would work. Finally Matt got on their website and used it to file my federal taxes. In the end up costing me another $75 to go this route. I am pretty angry with them and gave them bad reviews. I'm sure they don't really care. I find support on the computer is pretty difficult.
Well I'm going to sign off for now, thank you for reading my blog.

The Korean Peninsula – my greatest fear

Every time I get on Facebook there is a question at the top that says "what's on your mind". It's the same amount of work for me to post it here or on Facebook so I think I'll post it here instead of Facebook and then link it afterward.
What I think about a lot is Korea. North and South. About 10 years ago I watched a show in public television that taught me more about the Korean War than I had ever imagined. North Korea had the support of China and there are an estimated 1 million Chinese who died trying to attack American machine-gun placement. They were short on weapons so as they advanced the man in front had a gun. When he was shot the Chinese man behind him would pick up the gun and keep advancing. They interviewed an American machine-gunner who ran a 50 caliber machine gun and faced the on coming Chinese. He said it was horrible they were just cut down in numbers too large to imagine. At night this "ghost Army" of Chinese would come and get their dead and take them away and so the numbers were never really known other than estimates.
I have known for over 10 years that there are more weapons and armies in the Korean Peninsula than anywhere in the world. Technically and practically they are still at war. The US is the only deterrent realistically against an attack by the North on the south. Our deterrent is only effective as long as we attack North Korea before they can mass in South Korea. At that point our deterrent fails because we would be killing South Korean along with the North Koreans. Because of this precarious situation I have feared war in that area more than anywhere else.
The Middle East and Afghanistan get a lot of press but Korea terrifies me. The US would have to time a counterattack upon North Korea before they crossed the DMZ. The timing would be critical and our air superiority in the air should be able to decimate North Korean army as long as they do not make it into South Korea. I know there's an air base that strategically is ready to go at a moments notice. We also have at our readiness a nuclear option that would need to preempt any attack by North Korea. This is what terrifies me.
A nuclear attack by us might precipitate you retaliatory strike by China. After that nuclear fallout would be devastating and who knows what other countries would get involved. I don't know the numbers of Chinese nuclear missiles but I read the other day in Pakistan as 250 nuclear warheads on missiles. I don't know how many are in India or Russia but I can only imagine if everyone got involved the nuclear fallout and the actual blasts would decimate our world.
So that is what is on my mind today and many other days.

Cat Shaming – A serious problem?

Lately my posts have been on the sad side of things. I hope this lighter, tongue-in-cheek attempt at humor is appropriate

I have been aware of this trend for a number of years and recently I find I am a participant in this behavior. When I picked out our cat 6 years ago I never imagined my MS would affect my arms as it has. I thought if I keep using them I will not lose the use but MS had other plans. The end result of this I can no longer scratch Macy's chin or ears. For the first 5+ years she was attached to me most of the time and I know she loves getting her chin scratched by my thumb. In bed she slept on me and by me all the time. Last December the worst happened and my hands quit working and I'm no longer able to scratch the kitty.

Silly me, I thought the kitty loves me but as it turns out she gravitates toward anyone who will brush her. Now she pesters my wife or our son Tom who she has wrapped around her paw. I no longer get much attention. My wife thinks it's funny that I said "the kitty threw me a bone" once in a while, like once a week she comes up and sleeps on my shoulder and purrs. This change in her affection has left me feeling empty and angry. I know I shouldn't because that's how cats are but I thought we had a special bond. Not so.

The result is that I've fallen into this behavior where I mock, taunt and insult the cat. I have to confess I'm ashamed of my behavior. The cat seems to ignore me when I do this but who knows maybe she has a shred of emotion inside that I don't see. One day I taunted her and reminded her of where she was when I found her. Even though I felt ashamed I shamed the kitty. She did not seem to even listen to me but that night she slept on my shoulder, my arm and between my ankles pretty much the whole night. Was this because I shamed her? You be the judge.

I think this is a very subtle method of animal abuse and I'm ashamed and confess to all of you that I'm fallen into this awful behavior. The poor kitty. It's hard to believe the indignities this little queen of the castle has to endure.

Another time I had a visitor and he scratched her ears a little bit. When he left she was sitting on the floor looking all Royal like the Princess she is and I could tell by the she was looking at him that she expected for him to come over, bend down and say goodbye in a manner her royalty deserved. When he left without honoring her I taunted her and said "Ha ha he left without saying goodbye to you". That night she slept on my shoulder until I unfortunately coughed and that made her angry so she left.

I have been working on trying to not taunt the kitty. Yesterday I was on the screen porch and she usually comes out and sits on my lap. Was out there for 4 hours before she came out and slept on my lap. She is pretty sweet when she wants to be. If she wasn't afraid of going out on the porch by herself I probably would get no attention whatsoever. But that's the way cats are.

Phil's History – Growing Up As a Teenager

When I started this series I was going to cover a number of the strange things that went along with the blended family that didn't really blend. As I started to record some of them I started reliving those 7 years I realized I don't really want to go into it. What I will say is that my stepmother was in no way prepared to raise mouthy teenagers like my sister and I. I think we're pretty normal teenagers and she was just not equipped for that. I blame my dad mostly but she was an adult also who got into that situation by choice.

I would have to say that those years left me very angry and with a drinking problem. It wasn't that I had to drink every day it was just that when I drank I couldn't stop and that's where the problems lay. I started drinking beer when I was 14. There was a place in Hiawatha that would sell my friend Mike and I beer. We would go to this vacant field and split a 12 pack and just talk. Mike was into Native American things and we would often howl at the moon.

How my stepmother dealt with these 2 rebellious teenagers was to mock us and belittle us pretty much all the time our dad was gone. He was gone most of the week traveling for work. Our stepsister was often caught in the middle wishing she could do something about it but also sometimes joining in. Things were so bad for my sister that she could not wait to move out when she was 18. We heard for all those years that "your living under my roof so you'll do what I say". She got the idea that if she was on her own they would quit telling her what to do. This is what is really strange as that they continued to boss her around no matter what age she was. Even when she was in her 40s and 50s they would still call her and tell her what to do.

Since I was a boy I would have to say this treatment didn't really affect me as much as it did my sister. When we lived in Omaha she was a daddy's girl. When my mom died and my dad remarried she lost that. There always seem to be a competition between my stepmother and my sister. Looking back I came to terms with how they treated me until I was in my 30s and had children of my own. I have to say I never got past how they treated my sister and I just quit having anything to do with them. I decided I did not want my children exposed to their attitudes. I believe we were treated like "baggage" after my dad remarried. All those years and he always sided with my stepmother no matter how exaggerated her explanations of our behavior was.

One thing I have mentioned that was a big deal was how we were cut off from all of our cousins and my dad's relatives. We always looked forward to our trips to Fairmont to see my dad's mom and dad's brothers and their families. We loved seeing our cousins. I believe my dad hid it from my grandma, his mom, that he was marrying a divorcee. She was a very strict Catholic and she was very upset about him marrying a divorcee and shared that with them. This made my grandma's name mud to my stepmother and after one visit he was estranged from his family. So effectively over those years we lost our mother to death, our father to his new stepfamily and all the cousins that we came to think of his brothers and sisters whenever we were there. We even spent little time with the uncle who lived a few miles up the road from us and rarely saw them. After a couple years of living there we moved back to Cedar Rapids because my stepmother wanted to be near her family.

When I started out to detail some of the things that happened during the next 6 years for my sister and 7 for me It got too depressing and reflected poorly on everyone so I would just say this: my sister couldn't wait to move out when she turned 18. When I was 18 I tried to get into the Coast Guard. When I went for the physical I answered the questionnaire honestly. One thing was I sleepwalked and I put yes. I was quite the sleepwalker wandered around the house and asking odd questions. Never left the house just wandered around. This disqualified me from the Coast Guard because they did not want me wandering off a boat. To me this was crushing because I loved boats and look forward to it as a career. My father accused me of deliberately sabotaging my physical. Not long after that I came home one day to find all of my clothing and other possessions thrown out on the lawn with a suitcase. I was told to go find somewhere else to live. My friend Mark talked to his parents and I got to live with them until I got a job at Amana and moved out on my own. His parents were such kindhearted people and I really didn't know that other families were so different from mine till lived with them. They have hearts of gold!

So I think this covers as much is I'm going to say on the matter. Next history will be from when I turned 18 and lived on my own. Not sure when that will be but I will say my wife turn my life around and gave me a purpose.

Phil's History – Our time in Illinois

In my last post the most significant thing in mine, my sister and brother lives was that my dad remarried someone we had never met. We also gained a stepsister whose age was between my sisters and mine. I was 11 at the time so there were seven years until I turned 18. The next seven years were constant conflict with my stepmother. Looking back I think it would be fair to say that this whole situation was terribly unfair to my sister, brother as well as my stepsister and stepmother. To just automatically draws in together and say "be a family now" seems so unfair to all.  Before I start on the years where we lived with her I should bring up something that happened were still with my uncle and aunt.

We met our new mother and stepsister for one weekend after Memorial Day. They were married on Memorial Day weekend. We got to meet her the next weekend. We never really spent time with her, we were just ordered to spend time with our new sister. It was awkward at best. An edict came down the next week through our aunt and uncle that my sister was no longer to be Joe's caregiver. This was so that when we lived with my stepmother he would bond with her and my dad felt Cathy would be a hindrance to that and so it began. I remember one time we were going home from somewhere and my little brother was a baby still was crying and wouldn't stop. Cathy wanted to pick him up but she was forbidden because of the edict from my dad and stepmother. He cried and cried and said "I want my mama". I wasn't allowed to tend to him either. I remember being in tears over this but orders were orders! We found for the next seven years this is how things worked. My stepmother would tell my dad what she wanted from my sister and I and he ordered us to do it. No questions asked. No response from us was allowed. It was just do it and shut up. Probably not the best way to start a new family. I always said we were a blended family that never mixed.

That next fall we moved into the house built for my dad and stepmother. It was on the edge of Wilmington Illinois and a few miles away from my uncle's acreage. In an earlier post think I mentioned the living arrangements. My brother and I shared bunkbeds in the family room. My sisters could stay up later and they watched TV. My brother and I were supposed to ignore that and go to sleep. This was very difficult and I was always asking my sister what they were showing on the TV when it seemed like something I wanted to know. Of course I got in trouble for this and was scolded repeateadly that I was supposed to be going to sleep. I was supposed to accept it because "my dad was doing the best he could". I think I heard that saying 4 million times over the next seven years. No matter what decisions were made it was always "this is the best I can do so shut up".

One of the commandments in the Bible is to honor thy father and mother. Jesus says that is the first commandment with a promise. The promise is that life will be well with you on the earth if you honor thy father and mother. Because of this I have been very Hesitant to speak negatively about my father. He is no longer with us and so now I feel I could speak openly about the strange way in which we were raised. Just to be clear, I don't believe were ever physically abused, other than some spankings from uncle Pat with his belt. I receive spankings from my father but really they could not be called abuse or even close to. What we suffered for the next seven years was emotional and verbal abuse from our father and our stepmother. Sometimes her daughter, our stepsister, joined in and sometimes she sided with us and never said anything. This is it how the next seven years went. In further post I will try to address some of the weird things that happened over the next seven years.

Phil's History – the beginning of the stepmother phase.

I think I mentioned one of the purposes of this blog is to cover and record some of my history. This portion of my life that follows was pretty unhappy and difficult to write about.

In an earlier series I had mentioned that we had moved to Illinois with my uncle Pat and his wife Beverly. While we lived with them they moved to an acreage that they had built near Wilmington. So that spring we lived in their new house which was quite nice. As we approached Memorial day my sister and I were told that my dad had a surprise for us and he would bring it to us the weekend after Memorial Day. My sister and I were all abuzz. What could it be. Somehow we got the idea it would be a puppy or we were going to move back in with him in Omaha. Nothing really prepared us for what happened in reality.

The weekend after Memorial Day arrived and we were told my dad was here with the surprise. My sister and I were there in the family room. My sister Cathy had my brother Joe. She was still Joe's primary caretaker and was very good at it. Beverly and the other girls left Joe to her care. They had enough to do as it was. As I said nothing really prepared us for what happened next. My dad came in with a woman we had never seen and a girl near our age. Surprise – here is your new mom and sister! We got married last weekend. As the time it seemed really strange.

As time goes on it still seemed even stranger. Here is your new mom, not sure why he thought that was a good way of doing it. She was from Cedar Rapids and they knew each other way back before my sister and I were in school. Somehow he went from Omaha to Cedar Rapids to pick up a mother for us and a wife for himself. Still seems stranger than strange. After that weekend they left to go back to Cedar Rapids and I assume he went back to his job in Omaha. Later that summer my dad got a job, selling insurance, in Joliet Illinois. We were told that they were going to have a house built a few miles from where uncle Pat's acreage was. Before school started we all moved into the new house. This was our first extended exposure to our "new mom and sister".

The house was not that big and had a crawlspace. To make enough for home for four children they had the garage turned into a family room/Phil and Joe's bedroom. Cathy and our new sister, Pam, shared a bedroom in the main house. It was an odd arrangement. Neither Joe or I could go to sleep until everyone was done in the family room. It sure was hard to sleep while Cathy and Pam watch TV 10 feet away from us. Of course it was the "best he could do" which we heard about 1 million times over the next few years. Looking back with the experience I have now I know they could've gotten you larger house if they had looked at existing houses. We found out later that he had promised his new wife, Pat, a new house so that is what we got.

So during that year between fifth grade and sixth grade we had these events.

My mother passed away. My grandfather passed away. We never saw my mother's family again. We moved to Illinois with my aunt and uncle. They moved to a new house. My dad remarried without my sister and I ever meeting our new family. We moved to a new house with my step mom and dad. Seems like a lot of changes during a single year. Little did we know that change was going to be a very common thing over the next few years.

I should mention sixth grade because to be honest I don't remember it. I remember we were close enough to school that we had to either walk or ride our bikes. We were just outside of town there was about a mile of county blacktop between our neighborhood and Wilmington. Our house was the first one built in this little neighborhood. It was pretty isolated living there. No other kids except a few who lived in a neighborhood on the other side of the county road. This road formed a natural barrier and I had no other real friends because no one wanted to cross the busy County Road.

MS Walk in my honor

My wife's wonderful family is forming a team for an MS walk. It's an honor of me and I believe it's called "Phil's Steps". My wife asked me if they could name the team Phil's feet but I thought that sounded a little gross. When I think of feet I think of awful toenails, crooked toes and something that's not meant to be seen without a pedicure. I guess it took me serious but I think there are many cultures in the world where showing someone your feet is considered an insult. Not in America but in other cultures that I had dealt with at work.
It's really nice that they are inspired by me, I can't say I've ever done anything to try to inspire anyone I just keep trying to muddle through. One thing that helps me is that there are so many people worse off than I am. Their children with more debilitating diseases in this who have their entire lives restricted by some type of disease or accident.
You don't want to be morbid so I would just say thank you beautiful family!

Another Dog Park Visit

Over the weekend my wife got a message from a former coworker and she was thinking her dog Snickers to the dog park. I was sure it was too chilly for me to be out but I asked if I could go with and just a in the van and watch the dogs and people. So I got to go to the dog park which I find very enjoyable. It is so neat seeing all the different type of dogs and they get along so good. I realize that many of them might be more aggressive if they were on their own turf but since the park is not of theirs they socialize and I find that really interesting. The only barking I heard was from dogs who wanted to play with the dog on the other side of the fence.
The park is pretty big so I lost sight of my wife and her friend and ended up watching the entryway of the park. There are so many different dogs. There was one man there who had a German Shepherd mix and a wiener dog. It was pretty comical. There was also a man with 3 schnauzers. When he was leaving he had all 3 on their leashes. That I noticed that he had any large graybeard and sideburns that were about 3 inches long. That seemed very funny that his beard matches is dogs. I was never cold or hot in the van. It was pretty good time to get out. I'm so glad I went and I got to pet Snickers before they left. He seems like a pretty sweet dog.
Well it was good to get out of the house even though is stayed in the van. Once again thank you for reading my blog.