Things have not been going good – not sure when I will resume my blog.

Friday I started having a fever and also the cough. I usually have a cough due to allergies and nasal problems so the cough is nothing new. Saturday I woke up and both my arms were dead as well as my hands. I couldn't do anything. Couldn't use my PC, iPad or iPhone. All I could do was watch TV asked people to change the channel for me if I wanted it on a different station. Today is Sunday and I still don't have the use of my right hand or arm like I did earlier in the week. I'm afraid it is now going to be a permanent change and if not it will soon be permanent. Just wanted to let you know that my blog may and unless I can get my hand back. I will try to stay active on Facebook because when no one's here the TV sound was off I can maneuver and Facebook but is too hard to do much else. Hopefully I can get my hand back enough to read books but right now I'm not able to do that. I would use the voice software except when I tell it to go to sleep so that I can read a page it somehow turned to self back on and search clicking the mouse when I don't want to. It ends up jumping ahead a bunch of pages and I have a hard time getting back to where was. It's hard to believe this MS is this bad. I used to have a good attitude and tried to maintain a positive outlook I think that's gone now. Maybe I'll get it back, maybe I won't. It just wanted to keep you guys updated.

Macy goes for a ride and other stories!

Before I tell you the story I need to give you a little background on my chair control. There is a controller with the joystick. Joystick is actually a steel rod that comes out of the controller. Then there is a plastic/rubber and that is put on this steel rod. (Get your mind out of the got her JG H) a while back I was having trouble with the standard one that was about a half inch in diameter. I switch to one there was quite a bit larger on the top similar to mushroom. I could use the palm of my hand on this one. Recently though my arms and hand are not working very well and when I put my arm at rest I would hit this controller button and move my chair without wanting to. This caused some problems and so I went back to the other type of controller cover, the half-inch diameter one. There was a short time where I didn't have anything on it and it was just a steel rod. This is the background.
Without a joystick cover Macy could get up on my lap and lay there without hitting it. And I got used to that. Then my son with the joystick cover back on and I forgot that there might be an issue with Macy. The next day she jumped up on my lap table, turned around three or four times, lay down in the same spot she always does except now her hip was against the joystick cover. Away we went and she drove my chair into my PC table and then the PC table into the couch and lamp table. This scared her and she jumped off. I was able to get my PC table back to normal spot. No real damage done but I didn't want to push the lab table with my chair and leave a mark in the wood so I left it. When my wife came home she said "what happened here" and I told her the story. She said "you're going to blame the cat on this?" I had to say yes to be truthful and I thought Macy would never get on my lap again. I was wrong.
The next day Macy jumped up on my lap again. I was really surprised and backed up a little so I wasn't close to the table. I turned off the controller on she was getting settled. I was not expecting her to spend an hour sleeping on my lap. I kept trying to turn the controller back on so I can get more comfortable but her hip was on the controller switch and the joystick. When she finally did get down my arm was pretty dead by then. I only get a little bit of use out of it in the mornings before it becomes useless for the most part. When she left I turned the controller on and then tried to tilt the seatback up a little. My hand got stock and he kept tilting forward to I was smashed against my PC table. My hand was trapped but I moved it off the tilt control. Unfortunately when I got my hand off of the took control it got stuck on the drive control. I started going around in a circle with the PC table attached to me. When the PC table hit the couch it ended up tipping over and falling down so that my iPhone, iPad and PC were stuck on the floor. Everything that was on the table when crashing down and made a big mess. I was pretty bummed about the whole thing and keep wondering how I am supposed to be with this disease if I can't use my controller. Needless to say yesterday was one of the worst days ever. Today though I woke up and remembered that "his mercies are new every morning" God is good even in the midst of difficulties and trials. Praises he is great name! Mouse down

Quick trigeminal neuralgia update.

I should post a short update on my right hand and the effects of my trigeminal neuralgia medication. Today my right hand is a little better than yesterday, still not back to where it was a week ago but I'm able to function on my PC and my iPad. That makes me glad because yesterday I was feeling even more isolated since I couldn't comment on Facebook anymore. Now I can with my voice software. Theoretically I can run my computer with the voice software but in practice that is not true. I still need to use my right hand to move the mouse and occasionally my computer get stuck and I have to reboot it. Logging back in is pretty difficult but I think I can do it now again.

Two Pet Morning – right hand is a little better but not much.

Our son Tom and his dog Atlas were here for this weekend. He is staying through today and going home later tonight. This morning Macy was sitting on my hip and wanting me to scratch her head and chin. While I scratch your head I called the dog up in the jumped on the bed and laid down with his back toward her. I could scratch his hip and alternately scratch your head so it was a two pet kind of morning. My wife called in sick because she was up most of the night Coughing. Because she was here Atlas stayed on the bed because he likes her and come for their so I got the benefit of both pets at the same time.
I been on the Tegretol for my mouth pain for four days. Yesterday my hand was a little better but not much. Today is a little better than yesterday so I'm hoping if I just wait my body will adjust of the Tegretol. Who knows though. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.Two Pet Morning – right hand is a little better but not much.

Trigeminal neuralgia – October 2016

Last month it I had mentioned my pain from the trigeminal neuralgia the had returned. Over the interceding weeks it just getting worse and worse until the pain was back to a 10 out of 10 when I drank or ate anything. My wife called the neurosurgeon and they recommended we call my neurologist to discuss medications. The physician's assistant thought that since I had the procedure perhaps I would not need as large a dose of medications and I could avoid some of the side effects that effectively use of my arms. After reviewing my medications that I had we decided to try the Tegretol again.
I have been on it for two days now with much lower dose than before. It is helping the pain so that it is tolerable. I'm still getting the dead right arm side effect so it is very difficult to use my iPads or PC. It is almost impossible to use my iPhone unless it is plugged in and I can say "hey Siri". I will try calling the neurologist Monday when he is not very easy to get into see him. Perhaps he has a better medication for me that won't affect my right arm quite as much. The neurosurgeon did not want to do another procedure so soon after the last one. I think you would've went better if I could have communicated to him during the procedure better. As a worked out I had difficulty speaking and I could not nod my head because of the big needle sticking into my jaw. Communication is one of my most difficult issues with MS.
Thank you for all your prayers and I sure wish this pain could be dealt with without costing me what little movement I have in my right hand. I have never said it until now but this latest trigeminal pain seems unfair. I have tried to maintain a good attitude about MS and had trusted the procedure would work good but now I am pretty disappointed. As one of my friends used to say "too bad so sad". I guess I just need to trust the Lord more. Not sure how I am going to feed myself at breakfast. I might just have to wait until Matt comes to get me lunch.
Of course the most serious issue is that I can't scratch Macy's chin like I used to. It's horrible that this kitty has to suffer because of my MS! Poor poor kitty.

Phil's History – Illinois Acreage, not fun until somebody gets hurt!

These next stories happened after we moved to my uncles new acreage south of Wilmington Illinois. It was closer to Wilmington so we were able to participate in things like Little League and go to the parks there. The house was quite large and was two stories with the finished basement. John and I were in a room. Bob ended up bunking with Keith one of the twins. It was not as fun without Bob making us like the Three Stooges, who were our heroes. We spent a lot of time imitating them and watching them on TV. For some reason after we moved to the acreage I lost some of my caution. I can say I was reckless but I became less than cautious.

We used to play a game called pickle since there were so few of us. Pickle was where you guarded a base and someone tried to steal the base like in baseball. If there were three of us, John, Bob and myself, we would play with two bases and one runner. The person in one was the one who stole the most bases since John was so reckless he usually won. There was a farm boy who lived next door and once in a while he would play. When he played we would have three bases and one runner. This forms the basis for my first story. John was the runner and he was on the base or the neighbor boy was. You could not hold the ball but had to keep it moving so the runner had a chance to start something. I knew as soon as I threw the ball toward the base John was on he would take off toward Bob's base. He had a "tell" that I knew from playing with them so often. He faked like he was going to run toward me but I knew he was going toward Bob. I faked like I was drawing to the base John was that when instead through without looking toward Bob's base. Problem was I faked Bob out also and he thought I was throwing somewhere else and was out looking. The baseball hit him right in the forehead. The ball bounced off his had strayed into the air about 20 feet. Bob went down like a sack of potatoes. We all ran over to him and I was so glad that he was not hit in the eye socket or his temple. He had a huge bump on his four head but I don't think he was knocked out. We rushed him into the house and put ice on it. Bob was pretty tough and never got a concussion from it. I fell really bad but not bad enough to keep up laughing a little bit. We found the ball and it was never round again.

The next few stories are about me hurting myself. For some reason I have always seem to be good at hurting myself. One time we're playing I and go seek and my sister Cathy was playing also. Behind the acreage was a farm pasture with Barb wire fencing. On one end near some woods there was a tree the cows could get to reaching over the fence. They had pretty much killed but there was still enough tree there that I decided I could hide in it. I grabbed a hold of a small branch to pull myself up into a Y in the tree. As I pulled myself up the small branch of broke and I fell backwards. The inside of my right arm hooked on one of the barbs and it slit my arm open. It cut through the skin and the fat layer underneath and expose a little better by muscle but didn't really cut it. I started running toward the house for Aunt Beverly so she could help me. As I ran my sister ran up beside me and said what's wrong what's wrong. I slow down and showed her and she dropped to her knees screaming. That part was pretty funny. Aunt Beverly said she could so it up with her sewing kit. I assume she was kidding. She ended up taking me to the doctor in Wilmington and we found out he was on vacation. So we had to drive to Joliet and ended up at the hospital there. I can't believe how long all of this took to stitch me up. I learned then that that's the worst part about hurting yourself was the time it took to get fixed. I ended up with five or six stitches and the worst part was he got infected anyway. It took weeks of working it out with alcohol every day before it healed up.

Another time John, Bob and I had a contest. There was a tree on the south side of the house. The house and had rustic wood siding that was mainly 4 x 8 sheets. The seams were covered by the matching furring strip and stuck out an inch or so. Our contest was we would leap from where the tree was and see you could come closest to the house. I always suspected that John set me up because I won. I jumped so far I hit the house and my shoulder on the furring strip. My whole left arm went numb from the blow. I had a huge bruise on my shoulder. To this day I am proud that I won but if not sure it was worth the victory.

I used this injury to get out of gym class, which I really hated. These gym teachers had a mean streak and I was a pipsqueak so I didn't do real well. So I got to stay in the gym while they went outside for class. There was also another student that didn't have to go to gym because he had a "heart condition". I think his name was Joey Delvecchio. I was worn not to play with him because of his heart condition. So I sat on the bleachers happy to read a book. Joey when I got one of those red rubber gym balls. He proceeded to chase me around and have me with the ball, over and over. If he had a heart condition he certainly didn't show it that day. After he made me cry he must've felt bad and stopped. Then he told me we could go sneak into the janitor's room. I figured it was just another way that he would torment me so I said no you go without me I'm staying here. He left and I was so glad. I did see him again until class was over.

My last story from this timeframe was in relation to the tree fort we built. There was a cool tree on the north side of the house. We used extra would from the house being built and made a small platform in the tree. We nailed boards into the side of the tree so we could climb up. We had a basket and a rope that we used to pull tools and other supplies up. Somehow this rope got a knot in it. As I was pulling up the basket the not wedged between the tree branch and a board we had nailed in. I tugged on the rope really hard to get it passed the board. Instead of the rope hopping around the board flipped up in the air and it was like a slow-motion. The nail that was holding it in the tree and did not sticking into the inside of my rest and poking a puncture hole in it. It wasn't that bad but it went in about an inch. I decided I needed to put some antiseptic on it and a Band-Aid. I climbed down out of the tree and went into the house. I went to the bathroom and washed it out real good. I put some antiseptic cream on it and a Band-Aid. Then I walked out and was going to go back out as I went through the family room I suddenly got lightheaded and then passed out on the floor of the family room. I woke up and I was on the couch and people were surrounding me asking me if I was okay. This is one of the strangest things that ever happened to me. Not sure why there was such a delayed reaction. I'm guessing I had adrenaline that I was running on and it ran out after I treated my wound.

my next series of stories will go back to around Memorial Day. That was when the crazy things started happening that I will deal with in my next series.

Phil's History – Symerton Illinois, last few stories.

I think I have one more story that I can share from the older house. Some of the stories would be a little offensive since John was a little crazy so I won't share all those. This story was from Easter of that year. We were brought up Catholic and so Easter was always a big deal in uncle Pat's house. That year they decided to get a poodle puppy as an Easter gift for all the kids. My uncle Pat said the kids could name it and they named it Foo Foo because it was so fluffy and white. This puppy was pretty high strong and we got it the day before Easter. Easter morning while everyone's getting ready for church Keith (was blamed) for letting the dog out. It took off with a number of my cousins trying to catch it. It had rained steady for quite a few days and it was mud everywhere. Eventually someone caught the dog and brought it back. It was so muddy it, it had rolled in the mud, and looked like a chocolate poodle. Of course the dog on it was great fun to run and be chased. I don't remember if we made it to church that they are not but I do remember the poodle. The people who caught it were also muddy so I'm thinking we didn't go to church.

Somewhere between Easter and May we moved to the new house on the acreage. It must've been around Memorial Day because I don't remember going to school after we moved. Memorial Day will be significant in a later series and I will call Phil's history – the crazy years. Right now I will just discuss living with my uncle Pat and what we did on the acreage for fun. Somehow it wasn't fun unless somebody got hurt. Not sure why that is.

I will post more on that later.

Would probably be untruthful for me not to post something of the next story. Next to the two-story house there was a local bar and it had living apartment above it. We used to find also to where things in their front yard on Saturday mornings. It was kind of a while place it we were told to stay away from it. One year a magician named Mike came to the little town we lived it. There was a sort of a community center where he put on a magic act. My cousin Mary was hishis assistant. We thought he had a thing for Mary but it turned out much different. While he was there he stayed in the apartment above the bar. I'm not sure when but he invited myself, John and Bob to come up and watch a football game. John and I went but Bob chose not to. It turns out this guy was a pedophile. He showed us a deck of cards that had naked women on them. This was the first time I had ever seen this type of thing. His goal was to arouse us with the cards and then molest us with his hand. I started out first sitting in his lap and became very uncomfortable quickly. I said I had to go and he let me up with no fuss. I told John let's go but he said no I want to stay because he really liked the cards that Mike had. John and I never spoke of what happened after I left but I can only assume the worst. This guy was a total creep. He would be in his 60s or 70s now. He was a pedophile but not a violent pedophile. Pretty disgusting person. I always felt bad for John but he had his chance to leave and chose not to.

Of course back then this type of thing was never thought of because people only thought of pedophiles attacking girls. Male pedophilia was not thought to be a thing and John and I never spoke of this ever again. Personally I always wished I would cross paths with him again so I could beat his head in. Never happened and it never could find them on the Internet. Not sure what I would do now if I did cause pass with them since I am disabled.

I will post more on things that happened at my uncle Pat's acreage. Those stories will be more funny than this one was.

Phil's History –stories from when I lived with uncle Pat and Beverly:

As I mentioned before we moved there before Christmas and it was kind of a tough adjustment.. My sister and I started to get settled in and adjusted after Christmas. My sister hung out with the girls, Mary and Ruthie. I hung out with John who was a grade behind me but only six months younger and Bob who was a couple years younger than us. For me it was like having brothers. John was a little crazy and always hurting himself or getting into trouble. Bob was a follower and often got hurt trying to do the things John did. I sort of fit in the middle. There were also the younger cousins who were twins, Karen and Keith. They were quite a bit younger so they just spent most time with each other. They were pretty much opposites. Karen was small, quiet and good in school. Keith was a big kid and not that bright. Keith often got in trouble for doing silly things. One time he put a washcloth over the shower drain and thought the shower would fill up like a swimming pool. Of course the door let the water out and ran down into the finished basement.

The stories are not in chronological order because between Easter and May my uncle Pat and the rest moved to their new house they had built on an acreage near Wilmington. It was a two-story with the finished basement. More on that later I will go back to the house we lived in when we first moved to Illinois with them.

The house was an older two-story house, quite large. I shared a bedroom with John and Bob. There was a double bed and a twin. We rotated so that one out of three nights we got to sleep on the twin by ourselves. Of course we always talked a bunch at bedtime and would often get in trouble for being too loud and not going to sleep when we should. Especially a school night. We had a game we played where the guy on the twin bed would dive onto the double bed and punch the people on the double bed through the covers. This was great fun. One time John was on the twin bed and dove on to double bed yelling bonsai when he did it. I had coached Bob that we should scrunched down to the bottom of the bed and get our legs ready for John's attack. When he dove he landed right on our coiled up legs and we threw him into the air and he missed the twin bed and thumped on the floor. I'm having trouble dictating this because I keep laughing. Of course the big bump brought uncle Pat up and we got our bottoms paddled. John had advised me that you take two or three swats and then act like you're crying. Then it will stop. This works pretty good except two or three swats left Bob still crying while John and I started laughing uncontrollably.

I would often awake in the middle of the night when everything was quiet. There was no air-conditioning so the windows were open in the summer. The little town we lived in called Symerton had a grain elevator and the associated railroad tracks. There would often be a train come through at night and for some reason I found the click clack of the train on the tracks comforting.

I have so many stories of that short time that we lived with uncle Pat and aunt Beverly I'm not sure I can list them all. That spring and summer we lived with them in the old house and then in the new. In the new house John and I shared a basement room with bunkbeds and Bob had a bedroom with Keith. The girls which included my sister were in the upstairs. Without Bob making the three of us like the Three Stooges it was nowhere near as fun.

Our big thing to do at the old house was to play baseball in the vacant lot next to our house. That was when I became a Cub fan. Back then they had only day games at Wrigley Field. These were all televised so we dropped everything when they were on and watched them on TV.. So mostly I remember the bedtime bonsai games and playing baseball. My cousins add a set of cousins who lived near us. This man we usually had enough people all to play some sort of baseball game. Wilmington and the town we lived in were near the Joliet munitions plant. Homebase was this artillery shell casing. I thought it was pretty cool and John told me I could have it. It was quite a joke because it weighed about 30 pounds. There was no way anyone would want to drag a 30 pound artillery casing around and that's why it was home plate.

As I mentioned John was a little crazy and the loved Pete Rose and acted like him, diving head first into the base and do almost anything. One time he dove back to second base which was a metal lid to something and he cut his hand pretty bad. We suggested he go home and show at Beverly but John would not quit playing. He rubbed some dirt in it to clot the blood and we kept going.

Well that's enough for today I will try to have more later. Ithe

Phil's History – Illinois Part 1 – interesting fifth grade teacher

As I had mentioned in my earlier post we moved to Illinois to live with my uncle and aunt. This was before Christmas of my fifth grade year. I have a few stories about going to school in Illinois, in a town named Wilmington near Joliet. Three of my stories include my fifth grade teacher Mr. Mattoon. Mr. Mattoon told us that he had retired from farming near Peoria and decided to teach. Mr. Mattoon was a very tall and well built man, probably near 60. He was built like a farmer and very strong. Those factors come into play in my stories.

My first story was not long after we moved to Illinois. I had grown up in an environment that was totally safe and secure. I don't ever remember being afraid of anything other than tornadoes and tornado warnings. People tended to be very cautious about tornadoes. So when we moved to Illinois I was surprised to hear that there was a sixth grader named Donnie Beasley, that beat up any "new kids" to show them who was boss. I worried about this terribly but never crossed paths with him until one day at lunch I ended up being the last one in line and guess who was the first in line from the six grade. Of course it was Donnie Beasley. I couldn't see how he was threatened by a little pipsqueak like me so I just kept my back to him. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around and Donnie Beasley is in my face saying you're the new kid aren't you? I stammered out yes and tried to be friendly and nonthreatening. He told me that he beats up all the new kids and it was my turn now. At that point Mr. Mattoon joined our lunch line between Donnie Beasley and to me. Donnie Beasley took offense at this and started insulting Mr. Mattoon. Not a smart move on his part. Pretty soon it'd escalated and Donnie Beasley took a swing at Mr. Mattoon. Mr. Mattoon grabbed him by the shirt and slid him across the hallway floor like a bowling ball. Donnie Beasley jumped up and told Mr. Mattoon he was coming back with his dad and they would deal with him then. When they came back Donnie Beasley found out he was expelled from school and I never saw him again. So my score was one for Mr. Mattoon. I found out later he was an equal opportunity son of a gun.

I found out later Mr. Mattoon had no favorites, me included. He was just doing his job when he came to Donnie Beasley. One day we were told that a kid named Sorenson at thrown up just outside the bathroom and wouldn't be back that day. Mr. Mattoon told us all not to worry about it or think about it but just get to work on our assignment. I was so curious and wondered if it was covered up already because if I smell that I would start gagging. So I went up to pretend to sharpen my pencil and on the way back I stopped at the door. There was a window that was higher than me so I started jumping up to see out of it and see if I could see what was going on. Court part of it was curiosity. Next thing I know Mr. Mattoon has me by the throat and is sliming me up against the chalkboard with the razor trade taking into my back. His face was really red and he said get back to your desk Gorman. He never really choked me because his hand was so bad he could lift me up without holding on to my neck. I went back to my desk chastened and never wanted to deal with Mr. Mattoon like that again.

We must've really lived a sheltered life in Omaha because until we went to Illinois and rode the bus I had never heard a dirty joke. There was always someone telling a dirty joke on the bus and to be honest I never really understood the jokes. One day I asked one of the kids what is certain bad word bad. His description was so bizarre I had trouble believing it. Later on I found out there was a girl in our class who told dirty jokes. I can I can't say understood them and just pretended that I knew what they meant but I really didn't. These people were about 3 to 4 years ahead of me in knowing about sexual things. Looking back I feel like I was pretty naïve but I really didn't miss anything.

I have another Mr.'s Mattoon story. It didn't really include me but it did include one of my friends. In this class there were two guys who were always in trouble. They both had very unique names. One was Danny Curl and the other was Keith Korn. Keith was a friend of mine but Danny was someone you stayed away from because he could be a bully but usually was not. Mr. Mattoon practiced physical punishment for people who acted up in class. He had a 2 foot long 2x4 that he would wrap a towel around and use as an eraser. When it came time for punishment he would take the 2 x 4 out and paddle the offending party with it. I never felt that but had to hurt, bad. It was usually Keith or Danny who were on the receiving end. Keith was the class clown and Danny was just a son of a gun. One day Mr. Mattoon got called down to the office. While he was gone Danny went over and grabbed the board and threw it out our second story window. It was an old school and had no screens so when the windows were open there was nothing there. Danny sat back down and Mr. Mattoon returned we were all chuckling to ourselves because he didn't notice it was gone. About 10 minutes later there is a knock at the door. Mr. Mattoon opened the door and there is a kid, about a fourth grader, with the board and the huge goose egg on his head. Unbelievable, the board actually had a kid we gotten out early for a doctor appointment and was walking by. Mr. Mattoon turns it back and he's furious. He calls Keith rather than Danny because he was just guessing and guessed wrong. Keith took off running down the hallway and never stopped. It he didn't come back to school until he brought his parents. Mr. Mattoon was some how put in line and never administered the punishment.. The school never renewed Mr. Mattoon to contract. I think he was it a little to physical even in the 60s.

I will try to post more of my stories in future blog posts.

Macy makes it hard to use my PC!

It seems like while since I posted so I don't want to go another day without something. Today Macy spent about two hours this morning on my lap. When she is up there I'm not able to use my PC at all. Not sure why she became so cuddly. Yesterday sat on my lap for over three hours. It is been a long time since she was currently with me during the day. I did not want to discourage her by budging her off so I just did nothing while she was on my lap. Yesterday of course I fell asleep while she laid on my left hand. Today I fought off the urge to fall asleep but just watch TV until she got up and left. You know the old saying you have to make hay while the sun shines. So you have to cuddle with the kitty when she decides it's time.
I had an up-and-down weekend. Saturday morning I woke up in a good mood and enjoyed the neighborhood trees that are changing color. Sunday the days seemed to wear me out and by the end of the day I was not in very good humor. This disease is taking away the use of my right arm and hand and I was pretty bummed about it. It troubles me how much this disease affects my family as well as myself. Maybe the cat sense that I needed some attention. On my bad days I often pray that the Lord will let me come home but so far I'm still around. I need to trust him more would sometimes I get pretty bummed and wish this was just over. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts
Here it is 5 PM and Macy has been added again. After Matt got me lunch she jumped up on my lap again for the third time today. The thing is, Matt puts a remote keyboard on my lap table so I can turn my Kindle pages without lifting my hand up to the PC. When Macy jumped up she start on the keyboard and then turned around a few times. And she lay down on top of the keyboard. Somehow she was making it fill my dialogbox up with C. I tried to ignore it in ended up falling asleep. So I'm posting much later that I normally do. She's a sweet kitty but kind of silly!.

Phil's History – The Sad Years Part 3 (last in the series)

This is the third post in a series of the sad year. I want to be complete/I'm posting it. I will have some other stories in between before I get to "the crazy years". I hope this doesn't end up seeming like "the never-ending story"

I'm not sure when for sure if it was before my grandfather Gorman passed away or after. My grandmother Ruby McNeal told my dad on the phone that they were going to get a lawyer and take my sister, brother and I away from him and raise us. I remembePhil's History – The Sad Years Part 3 (last in the series)r my dad coming to my sister and I and asking us if we wanted to live with them. We said no in the strongest of terms. Neither of us wanted to leave Omaha but as it turned out that is what happened. We tried a nanny/housekeeper but that was too expensive and my sister and I really didn't bond with her. I still feel a little guilty because part of the reason we didn't like her is that she was a huge black woman and we were intimidated. She was very kind but rather loud and pushy.

While we were in Omaha, after the nanny, my sister and I were old enough to take care of ourselves. My sister became the caregiver for my brother who was less than a year old. She was quite attached to him and my dad was glad there was someone to take care of him. He depended totally on my sister. This came into play much later but that is a story for another day.

So what was after my grandfather's passing and before Christmas of that year my dad sold the house and we pulled up stakes and moved to Illinois. One of my dad's brothers, Pat had moved from Fairmont to Wilmington Illinois which was near Joliet and on the Kankakee River. He was a president of a Savings and Loan there. Even though they had six kids already they took us in. Part of this was so that Beverly and uncle Pat could watch over us and also was to get us away from my grandmother McNeal's attempts to take custody of us. I doubt if they ever really knew where we went to.

There was plenty of good and some bad to go with living with uncle Pat and at Beverly. Beverly was not a nurturing person. She was pretty harsh as was uncle Pat when he was home. To their credit they did not show any favoritism toward us or their own children. They treated us all the same. That being said it did lead to more spankings than I had been used to growing up. Cousin John had little crazy streak in him and I would get in trouble trying to keep up with him. Poor Bob was a few years younger and always got hurt trying to keep up with cousin John. It was during this time that I became a Cub fan. They only play day games in Wrigley back then and their own games were always on TV.

My sister and I did not really enjoy the move at first but I began to appreciate having cousins near my age. My sister spent time with the older girls Mary and Ruthie.she also continued to be the caregiver for my brother Joe.

One of my strongest memories from that time is how sad I was at Christmas. My dad could not get there until after Christmas and we really didn't get many gifts because money was tight in my uncle Pat's home. My cousins really didn't get a lot and then when my dad came it was a little awkward because we got some pretty cool presents usually. I got a Star Trek Enterprise model that had lights in it. I wasn't able to put it together myself so I had to wait for my dad's next visit so he could help me. I ended up not waiting and trying myself.. I got it put together but I used to much glue and the lights never worked correctly. It was pretty cool though and I would pretend like I was going from one planet to another star system just like on TV!

Well that's enough for today I will post more later.

Phil's History – Omaha The Sad Years Part 2

This is another difficult post I have been putting off for a very long time. My previous posts were on my family and the early years in Omaha that looking back were Ideal. This post will be about what happened after my mother passed away. I have thought about it over and over I realize it is still painful to this day. I am 59 now in this happened when I was 10. I have missed my mother terribly all these years and wish she could've met my wife and my children. She was a very loving person. So here I go:

my mom passed away in the fall not long after I started fifth grade. I remember a little bit about the funeral. My dad chose a beautiful blue coffin because my mother's favorite color was blue. I have to admit the coffin was a beautiful piece. I don't remember much about the funeral but remember having difficulty going up and seeing the body. It still did not feel real. During the funeral my sister and I had a small bouquet of tiny red roses that we put on her coffin before they laid in the ground. My mother loved red roses and I'm glad our dad chose that. It made us feel close to her even though by then we knew she was gone.

My dad was off work for a while and we didn't go to school during that time. I don't think it was more than a week but I don't remember. When we went back my fellow students really never knew what to say except one girl, Kris K expressed sadness at my mother's passing. The teachers and staff all expressed how sad they were at my loss and I have to admit it wasn't until I was much older that I understood what they meant. When I was a child it was hard for me to understand the words "I'm sorry for your loss".

The hardest moment for me came a few weeks after we went back to school. We always carry our lunch in a sack or lunchbox. I used to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches almost every day. My mother wanted to give me some variety but I begged for peanut butter and jelly which was my favorite. So for years I ate a sack lunch and sat with my friends. Once in a while they would have hamburgers for lunch at the cafeteria and they smelled so good. I still remember to this day how they smelled.

One day I talked my dad into giving me a dollar so I could buy my lunch because I knew they were having hamburgers. He relented and I was looking forward to it. What I didn't know was that if you got a hot lunch you sat in a different room, the actual cafeteria than you did if you had a sack lunch. So here I was with my hot lunch in a room where I really didn't have any friends since for five years I've been eating in a different room. My anxiety level was off the chart and I had zero appetite. I took one bite of the hamburger and I couldn't eat anymore. There was no one at my table that I was friends with and no one talked to me. To this day it was the loneliest moment of my entire life and is etched on my personality. To this day when I think of who I am I am that little boy who lost his mother and was so-so alone. This is why it is hard for me to dictate this. I am that little boy to this day. I am glad I am doing this post and hopefully I can grow past these feelings. Right now it is difficult for me to keep the tears away. I will follow up more on the sad days and months in a later post. Thank you for reading

Phil History – Omaha Start of the Sad Years

Well this is the post I have been putting off for a very long time. My previous posts were on my family and the early years in Omaha that looking back were Ideal. This post will be about what happened after my mother passed away. His I have thought about it over and over I realize it is still painful to this day. I am 59 now in this happened when I was 10. I have missed my mother terribly all these years and wish she could've met my wife and my children. She was a very loving person. So here I go:

The first thing I should mention is my mother’s passing. We know she had been feeling well but there were no obvious signs of a cold or anything like that. My sister and I were woken up one night and told our mother was being taken to the hospital and to come say goodbye. She was on a gurney and there were paramedics there in our living room. My dad told my sister and I to go say goodbye to her before she left. My sister went over and gave her a kiss and told her goodbye. She looked so pale and ghostly I was afraid to go near. They left and we had a neighbor come stay with us. My dad follow them to the hospital. Later that morning we went to the neighbors house for breakfast.

My sister said my mother was very cold when she kissed her. Looking back she may a party been gone at that point but we don’t know. To be honest her death was something of a mystery and her death certificate says she died of pneumonia. I know she avoided going to the doctor even though she felt ill in my recent experience with pneumonia makes me think now that that is what happened. Regardless they did an autopsy and that was what they came up with. For years I thought it was an aneurysm that was not found in the autopsy but now think it may have been pneumonia like they said.

Until the autopsy was done it was not ruled a natural death until it was investigated. That led some people to have wild opinions. One evening a group of men, neighbors, about five or six of them came over to give my father support. My sister and I snuck up on the landing of our split for house and eavesdropped. Their questions made my sister and I think a few of them had weird suspicions. My dad could barely speak because he was so choked up in close to crying. He was devastated by my mother's passing, that much was obvious. There was absolutely no way it was a suspicious death. The police looked into a possibility that a coworker at a local retailer had given my mom some medications to help her with her pain in her lungs. That was ruled out but that was really the only thing that might have been suspicious.

Her coworkers at the retail store purchased all of her things she had on layaway and gave them to us. I remember a shirt that I had picked out that was sort of Aqua and blue, that sort of change colors depending on the light or how you looked at it. I remember wearing the shirt to was a rag because I loved it so much and it reminded me of her. I will follow up on some of the things in later posts.I was quick

Trigeminal neuralgia update – seven months, not good news.

It has been over seven months since I had my procedure for trigeminal neuralgia. A few weeks ago I started noticing a little burst of what was like an electric shock in my left lower jaw. No real pain but just a little zap. Now it has grown to being painful when I get a zap. It this happens when I drink anything and occasionally while I'm eating. I'm now experiencing some pain after a dozen times a day.
They told me after the procedure, or before, that the nerve may regenerate itself. I think that is happened in my case. Now I have to decide "how bad do I let it get before I contact the doctors again", how long a delay before I call them and they can do it and how is insurance going to look at this?
I'm finding decisions are much much harder to make. I am experiencing more of the cognitive problems that go with MS. Decisions are especially hard and I have trouble following things that I used to be able to follow easily.
Last night was to be a parade for Marion high school homecoming. My wife and I were going to go since my nephew, David, is in the court. Since the rain was supposed to come they change the route and my wife tried to show me on her phone the new route. She showed me the map and I could not pick it up mentally. I ended up not going because the battery in my van is dead again. My wife went.

Phil’s history - Omaha religion – repost

While I was reading Psalm 119 this first reminded me of our Catholic upbringing.

“I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek thy servant; for I do not forget thy commandments.” Psalms 119:176 KJV

like a lot of Catholic families we had a wood carved crucifix in a prominent place. We also had a picture that fascinated me. It was of a lamb in a snowstorm with a shepherd dog protecting it. I was always fascinated by this picture and it was explained to me that we were like the lost sheep and needed a shepherd. Not much more explanation than that.

We were Catholic churchgoers and we went more than just a Christmas and Easter but I'm not sure if we went every week but we went a lot. My sister and I were fascinated by the stations of the cross on plaques around the church. We didn't really understand much of them but we knew the main parts of the symbology.

What I remember is that most of the service came to me as "blah blah blah blah blah". What stood out to me was the reading of the Gospels. This is done in the second half of the service and my sister and I were fascinated by these Gospel readings. Most of them had to do with people who needed healing. There were the blind, the lame, the halt, those with internal bleeding, a man near the pool that the angel healed people at and also the man on the pallet that was let down through the roof to be healed.

We would discuss these stories all the time. We would pretend to have the afflictions we discussed and we had sort of a list of the things rated by how bad they would be. The worst thing would be a quadriplegic, the next worst thing would be to be blind and then the rest were kind of lumped together. Until I got MS I didn't know what the "halt" would be. I think I qualified for that when I could still walk but then all of a sudden my left leg was stuck and unmovable.

We knew the Bible was a very large book and we could never figure out why they only read a few of the stories and left out the rest. What they read each year would amount to about a 10 page book but we knew the Bible was thousands of pages. When I became an adult and started reading the Bible myself it was in my mother's Bible which was a Catholic Doay version. It's writing was similar to the King James and was in old English. I started reading and found so much more than just a few gospel stories that were read each year at our church. I would encourage anyone reading this to pick up a Bible and start reading. I favor the King James but there are other translations that you might find easier and still are good translations. That would be the NIV, NASB and I'm sure there are others that I don't know about.

Looking back in my childhood I have almost no bad memories whatsoever. The ones I have were very mild compared to what I had to deal with later life after my mother passed. My sister and I were very close during those years and it's hard to believe the changes that we faced after her mother's passing.

My next installment will probably be the rehash of losing my mother and then my history will start up from that point. Thank you for reading my blog.

Phil’s history - Omaha things I missed posting

I had a file pertaining to my upbringing in Omaha between the first post and the last one. I accidentally deleted it and so this is my attempt to re-create it. As I mentioned before we had a very good upbringing in Omaha. A loving mother and father, sister and many friends our age. There were numerous things I failed to mention because of the deletion of my file that I thought I posted on my blog.

As I mentioned before I don't remember very many bad things from that time. There are a few but they seem so inconsequential now. Dogs I was afraid of, getting yelled at by some teenagers when we were at the creek, and one in particular that stays with me even now. I was probably eight or nine and my dad bought me a BB gun. He hunted pheasants a lot and I got to go along sometimes. The BB gun was not very powerful. You could actually see the BB leaving the barrel. It had a lever action and you could only cock it once so you couldn't build up the force like you could with a pellet gun. It had a strange way of adding BBs. You had to unscrew the end and then slide this little tab against the spring and then add the BBs to that assembly, one at a time. It held about 50. Then one time when I was screwing the end back in I hit the trigger and shot my finger point-blank. It hurt but it barely broke the skin. From that I concluded this kind had very little force and was just good for plinking at stuff. I also mention the mulberry tree earlier. In this same field, quite a ways away, was a very large oak tree. It was so big and thick that there was nothing that grew underneath and it was an open area.

One day I felt very adventurous and hiked up to the big tree by myself. We thought it was so far away that we consider this a huge endeavor. When I came to the clearing under the tree I saw a robin hopping around picking at the ground. I had shot birds before and they just flew off with no damage. I drew down on this robin and pulled the trigger. I he hit the poor bird right in the eye and the BB went through and killed him. First I couldn't believe it and went up to the bird and tried to help him get up. Then I realized I had killed him. That was about 50 years ago and I still feel bad about that poor Robin. I ended up making him a grave, burying him and having a small funeral for him. I never tried to shoot another bird with my BB gun.

One other thing I had neglected to mention was the birth of my younger brother. My brother, Joe, was born nine years after me. He was born at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Omaha. My sister and I thought for a long time that he was named after the hospital. We wondered if everybody who was born there was named Joseph. My brother Joe was still a baby when my mom passed away. My sister and I did help take care of him but mostly my sister. Since he was a baby at that time I don’t have many stories that include him until later in life. My sister and I love him very much and were very protective of him. I’m sure I will continue this series of my history. To be honest it gets pretty bizarre after my mother passed away But those stories are for another day.

MS and my inappropriate speaking. It's hard to get used to this disease!

I am a little worried about posting this because my wife might get mad at me but it is a good example of how MS as affected me cognitively. I have to accept this because it is part of the MS but it is very strange to me how this works and I wish it wasn't so.
Friday we went to a wine tasting at a nearby Winehouse. It was outdoor and accompanied by a musician. Very nice evening but it was a little chilly. I had on a fleece poncho which some people call it cape and one of my sons laughingly calls it a shawl. It is pretty warm and covers my hands so they don't get cold. I was sitting by myself because my wife and her sister went to get another wine sample. A lady came over to me and commented on my poncho how comfortable and warm it looked. I think most people were a little cold not dressing for the weather correctly. I have trouble talking but was able to move my hand a little underneath the poncho and said you can rub your face on it. Since my hand was moving underneath it it was also moving in my crotch area. This is not what I wanted to have happen or to say but that is what came out. She left quite quickly and I felt very embarrassed. What I wanted to do was lift my right arm up by her face and tell her she could rub her cheek on it to see how soft it was. What came out was so different than what I was thinking I'm still embarrassed today.
When my wife came back I asked her to go apologize to the girl in the striped sweater and she says you mean Robin? I had met this girl a few weeks ago at another event there but he completely forgotten. She also worked with my wife and now my wife was embarrassed. I asked her to go apologize because what came out was nothing like what I wanted to say. Robin took a good-naturedly and said not to worry about it. I still feel bad and later one some other lady came over I wouldn't talk except to say hi. I've got to find a way to just keep my mouth shut unless I can get better control over. I wish I could just say oh well it's MS no big deal but I still feel embarrassed in which I just said and done what I wanted. It is still hard to get used to all the effects of this disease which will never get better and will only gradually get worse.

Wild Kingdom animal capture

I'm going to take a break today from the heavy posts about my history. This is a photo my cousin put on Facebook of Marlon Perkins. The editor show called Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom. This reminds me of a story I have. There was a guy on the show I think his name was Jim was Marlon's sidekick and did a lot of the actual animal capture. He often used a pole that had a wire thing on the end any good loop around in animals head and control it by pulling the wire tight. This was their humane way of treating animals that needed something. I always called it the wild kingdom animal capture hoop.
When my wife and I were first married we lived in a very small duplex near Mount Mercy College. There was a basement under both duplexes with a wall between them. We rarely saw our neighbor. He knew we had a cat and one time we did see him he said he thinks our cat is trapped in the basement because when he was down there he could hear meowing. Our cat was fine upstairs so we went to the basement. It had an outside entry door and we had only been in their a few times and stored very little down there. I looked around and finally looked underneath the shelves and their staring back at me was a one eyed cat. His other I was a gnarled mess and missing the eyeball. He was missing one ear also on that same side. When I tried to get him he growled at me and I knew he was not friendly. We left the door open overnight thinking you would leave. The next day he was still under the shelves. He wasn't going anywhere. So I made a wild kingdom animal capture loop using a pipe and some rope. I can pull the rope tight through the pipe and slipped it over his head underneath the shelves. When I did this he went berserk. I thought I had the Tasmanian devil on the end of line and I was terrified that he would get loose and attacked me. He growled and he asked and bit in the air trying to get me. I went over to the door and put him outside the door so that only the pipe was in the door opening. I let go of the rope and thought he would run away. No such luck he stayed right outside the door because I think he wanted to attack me. In the daylight he looked even scarier than the did in our basement. That cat had been through some pretty bad wars. I shut the door and waited thinking surely he will leave. After about 10 minutes I open the door and he was still there. I closed the door and got a lawn chair that we stored in the basement and sat down. After a while I checked the door again and he was gone. As I climbed up the stairs of the basement outside I was terrified that he was lurking right above me and was going to attack. I was so glad when I got to the top of the stairs and he was nowhere to be seen. I was so glad I watched Wild Kingdom so I knew how to humanely capture that scary cat.