Long-awaited update

This was originally Written last Monday I'm getting around to finishing it today Monday the 28th.
I don't have any big things to post about but I thought I would do an update. I had a fairly good weekend and did not have any really really low points emotionally. Saturday I never got out of bed. Sunday I got up to watch the Rams and the Saints play. It was a good game and I suppose the saints fans forgot all the no calls that got them to the Super Bowl when they played the Vikings. After the game the coach said their strategy was to hit Brett Favre so many times that he would be afraid of rain on the roof. He mentioned the referees and later in the week the players made fun of the referees because they let so many late hits not get called. I think the referees remembered some of those comments.
The trigeminal pain is still there but it is on the edge of tolerable when I talk or eat. The numbness in my tongue pain and in my face are making it increasingly difficult to use this software. I say things to my son and I think are very clear but they don't come out as clear as what I hear. I have to accept I will not be able to the use this software very much longer. The dog barking in the other room doesn't help either. She starts barking in the afternoon when she thinks my wife should be home. She keeps barking until she comes home so it works every time, LOL.
This is new on the 28th:
I have had pretty even emotions all week. Mostly blah and not many Highs or lows. I cannot say that I am accepting the loss of my right hand but have accepted that I am completely dependent on other people for everything. This is very hard to deal with. For 40 years I have fixed things and take care of things around the house. Now my only role is to try to explain it to others. This is pretty much impossible because I am a poor communicator. I always found it easier to just do things and no one else except my son Dan ever seemed interested in learning. Now it is too late for me to teach things. I'm not sure but God's plan for me is but I just keep getting more and more isolated, spending more and more time in my bed. After all the Lord many times that I'm ready to come home. My loved ones understand this and accept it but you know there will be pain on their parts. No one looks forward to that. Couple weeks ago the cat started sleeping between my legs again and I'm not quite so lonely at night. She moved around a lot and sometimes upside down and sometimes hanging over my legs. Her movements are usually gentle just remind me that I am not alone. Well I don't have much more to say no trying to post again a couple times a week. God bless you dear reader.

Rare cat species

We thought that we were getting a chocolate lab. Turns out we getting an extremely rare animal. All we have is a 60 pound Chocolate cat that sits on the back of the couch. When my wife is home you will get up on the back of the couch behind her. Is very silly and does some strange things. She loves the snow and prances around in it like a horse.
About a week ago lacy the female cat started sleeping on top of me. This makes Jordyn extremely jealous and she whines at the cat on the bed. And she goes and whines after my wife. I am pretty sure she is tattling on the cat. My wife told the dog it's your own fault because she could have, with Papa but she didn't. Now the kitty get to come all with me.
If you follow my blog at all you will know that I have not posted much. My mouth pain and the rubbery quality to my right side of my face and tongue make it much more difficult to post. I am also having problems getting my photos from my phone into my PC. They used to automatically be added to my dropbox but now they don't for some reason. It seems like every time is a update to Windows all my apps work differently. Seems like every change makes it more difficult for me. Thank you again for reading this. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep posting and I will keep trying. God bless you.

The stages of Phil

Recently I watched the couple of videos on Amazon prime. In both there was someone who was considered "the good guy". In each there was a dark hero who needed to remain anonymous. In their execution of defending "right" they came in contact with a child. Their missions meant that they should remain anonymous but neither could bring themselves to hurt a child. Later on the children ^would draw a person in a scene and then an adult would ask "who is this?". That child would answer "that is the sad man". I am now confined to bed much more than I used to because of the pressure sore. I have a bit more time and think that is usually not good. I thought I would go through some of the stages I go through and other people have to deal with.
When I wake up I am "chipper Phil". I am a more or less pain free except for my trigeminal pain. Some days there is a lot of pain and some days there is none. It has been impossible to figure out why is it is so inconsistent. A banter with whoever is back here. Later on in the morning I started feeling lonelier and more pain come back. I have a wound on my calf that does not seem to heal and is getting more painful. I go from chipper Phil to the next stage which is "apathetic Phil". The home caregivers find me in this stage. My son comes around 1 PM to get me lunch and sometimes he put me back in bed if I have been up for a while. I don't really care about much of anything. I probably spend the most time in a day as "apathetic Phil". I think it is some of my defense because of my quadriplegic condition. I cannot say I have been lonely until I got the pressure sore. Now I feel pretty isolated. My bedroom is not set up for visitors so people just pop in the say hi. None of the three pets we have show me any affectio. Probably most of my day is spent in apathetic Phil mode. One problem with this is that when I read the Bible or listen to a sermon it feels like is not meant for me but somebody else. I still feel like I am transported back to the days when Jesus walked the earth. It just doesn't seem like I fit into it. Having an incurable, untreatable disease a feel like I don't fit into his stories and the epistles. I know I do but that is how I feel.
Apathetic Phil digresses into "sad Phil". This happens after dinner. I started to feel more pain and become very fatigued inside and out. MS fatigue is a strange thing and it is indescribable to those who do not have it. The best I can do as to say is like I am tired from the inside out. Sad Phil is not very pleasant to be around. Apathetic Phil can be distracting I visitors and I turned into "blabbering Phil" I talk and I cannot seem to stop. I want to listen to my visitor but away I go blabbering and blabbering. I visitors are very tolerant and I appreciate their care. So sad Phil feels pretty sorry for himself in any kind of harsh comments to him have a huge impact. Have stories about this when my son's fiancée came to visit over the holidays. She met "sad Phil" first. She handled it fantastically and just rubbed my arm and may have put her had on my shoulder. Her sympathetic heart won me over immediately and I already love her like a daughter.
There is sad Phil and "sadder Phil" you can imagine what that means. Last step is "severely depressed Phil" this Phil has a complete emotional meltdown was sobbing and crying out to God to let me come home. Spiritually I am ready and have been for years. Emotionally it goes up and down the chart depending on my mood. The only one who is seen this stage in my wife. Is usually close to bedtimeOr is this it is during getting ready for. So that is the usual progression and I usually end up as sad Phil each night. I am depressed Phil one or two times a month but usually end up as sad Phil cannot wait to go to bed. Tomorrow is another day and I start the progression allover again. So to be honest this is sort of secret and I feel odd sharing it. Is how each day goes and I want to be as transparent as possible and share the realities this disease. On thing makes me glad that is that I am a very rare case and few people with MS are as bad as I have gotten. I'm glad others do not get this bad. That is the typical day of Phil. I pretty much want to go home to be with the Lord but the bonds I have with my wife and children made me want to stay. I'm want to sign off now my voice is getting mushy and in my voice software can I guess what I want to put down if I say with a mush mouth. Take care dear reader.

Late but not forgotten

Happy new year reader. I realize over the last two days that I should mention someone else my memorial. Is is more of a couple in a single person and one is still alive. You were very special to me in my teenage years and I should mention the situation and how they helped me. As I've mentioned in the past I stepmother and I did not have a very good relationship. I never could please her and so I gave up trying. When I graduated my school my goal was to join the Coast Guard. At that time our Coast Guard is Australia's Navy. It was not considered a good duty and so I knew I would be able to go to Australia which I'd always dreamed about. I believe that I would get enough leave that I could visit Tasmania. This was an amazing opportunity and so I signed up but the recruiter and a sent me to Des Moines.1. Everyone was in a large room and they said going to mention a physical issue and if you have not heard of it you go to have it. I don't want anyone to raise their hand and asked me to describe the problem. He went through everything from scarlet fever and similar things. They also mentioned things that were not diseases. We quickly passed one at said "sleepwalking". I was a pretty regular sleepwalker than but never did anything extreme or leave the house others have told me about. So not thinking because I was young I just checked yes I sleepwalk.
I passed the physical and the recruiter met with me. He said I scored very high on their tests and I passed the physical except for one problem. I could not join the Coast Guard because I sleepwalk. I felt very stupid because I was young and never even thought about it. I could have put no without anyone having an issue. My dreams of Australia were shattered. He told me I could join the Army, Air Force or the Navy with a condition that I was not allowed on ship duty. I didn't want any of those things. I wanted to be on the water and go to Australia. I love being on water and without that I did not want to join. I came home unbelievably discouraged. My stepmother fired up my dad to think that I did it on purpose to avoid service. Because of her intervention not there with them would believe that I did not do it to avoid service and I wanted to go to Australia. I was brokenhearted and started looking for a job because they said I better get a job quickly because I could not stay at their house. I stepmother always fired up my dad against me and no amount of explaining would ever work. What she said was thI started looking for work and Amana Refigeration was always hiring and I went down there and was hired. I had a low-paying job at a golf course and had told the Pro when he hired me in the spring that I would not leave until the night golf was over. There was no overlap where I work both jobs for a week. What a killer week that was. Back to my story when I got home my parents house I told them I got a job at the American colonies and would start in three weeks. I started the normal third-degree and my stepmother is furious that I stayed in my night job at the golf course. He wanted me out then and got my dad all fired up about the subject. Told me that I should back my things and get out that day. I simply laughed at her because she was ridiculous. What was a couple extra weeks. I went to work at my night job and when I got home all of my things are thrown out my bedroom window on the lawn. She included an old suitcase to put my things in. It was pretty crazy. Load the next day I packed my things and put them in my car where I slept that night. The next day I started to look for a place to live was limited by my deposit amount until I started working the job at the appliance manufacturer. I found one low rent apartment complex. It was like a very small hotel room and had one bathroom. There was a twin bed and that barely fit. It was no kitchen was a counter with the sink. Some cabinets were included also. They were pretty beat up as if somebody bash them with the baseball bat. The same with some of the walls. Some of the other residents seemed a little scary but I cannot afford it until I started working at the better job. I told my best friend Mark and find a place to live and he came over to see it. He said "you are not staying here". He said I could live in their basement because his older brother moved out and there was space. His parents were awesome and they let me live in their basement. I had known them a few years and Mark's dad is a great guy. He was always stern with Mark and treated me the same one we did stupid things which was quite often. I would have to say I loved Mark's dad and over the years he was a great source of advice. Mark's mother is extremely kind and she was in charge of the house. She always fed me lunch before I went to work and she found my dirty clothes and wash them for me. Never got to know her but she always took care of me without even crossing paths with me. There are fantastic couple. His dad's name was Orlin. Mark's mom is so I wouldn't dad passed away a few years ago. I was still mobile I could drive my van and get out in my chair. I went to the service will honor him and all that he did for me when I was younger.e truth no matter how bizarre.
Mark's parents were my saviors and my stepmother that her craziest. I hope to have one on my father later on because it was my stepmother that drove the insanity that my sister and I had to deal with. I hope is that this blog will somehow become a record of the great people that stepped up to help me because I did not really have anything from my parents. As I would have to say "God bless Mark's parents and all the others who were large in my life". I apologize if I'm forgetting someone or something and blessed me along the way. Faith Bible church has helped us as a family and do I believe we have been going with close to 30 years. The preaching there has bless my soul. Not sure how much my family has grasped the teaching but it is there if and when they want it. I'm not sure how much of what blogging I can do. My speech is getting very difficult in my breathing is very raspy in the days. So I was a God bless you reader and I hope to blog when I can.