The stages of Phil

Recently I watched the couple of videos on Amazon prime. In both there was someone who was considered "the good guy". In each there was a dark hero who needed to remain anonymous. In their execution of defending "right" they came in contact with a child. Their missions meant that they should remain anonymous but neither could bring themselves to hurt a child. Later on the children ^would draw a person in a scene and then an adult would ask "who is this?". That child would answer "that is the sad man". I am now confined to bed much more than I used to because of the pressure sore. I have a bit more time and think that is usually not good. I thought I would go through some of the stages I go through and other people have to deal with.
When I wake up I am "chipper Phil". I am a more or less pain free except for my trigeminal pain. Some days there is a lot of pain and some days there is none. It has been impossible to figure out why is it is so inconsistent. A banter with whoever is back here. Later on in the morning I started feeling lonelier and more pain come back. I have a wound on my calf that does not seem to heal and is getting more painful. I go from chipper Phil to the next stage which is "apathetic Phil". The home caregivers find me in this stage. My son comes around 1 PM to get me lunch and sometimes he put me back in bed if I have been up for a while. I don't really care about much of anything. I probably spend the most time in a day as "apathetic Phil". I think it is some of my defense because of my quadriplegic condition. I cannot say I have been lonely until I got the pressure sore. Now I feel pretty isolated. My bedroom is not set up for visitors so people just pop in the say hi. None of the three pets we have show me any affectio. Probably most of my day is spent in apathetic Phil mode. One problem with this is that when I read the Bible or listen to a sermon it feels like is not meant for me but somebody else. I still feel like I am transported back to the days when Jesus walked the earth. It just doesn't seem like I fit into it. Having an incurable, untreatable disease a feel like I don't fit into his stories and the epistles. I know I do but that is how I feel.
Apathetic Phil digresses into "sad Phil". This happens after dinner. I started to feel more pain and become very fatigued inside and out. MS fatigue is a strange thing and it is indescribable to those who do not have it. The best I can do as to say is like I am tired from the inside out. Sad Phil is not very pleasant to be around. Apathetic Phil can be distracting I visitors and I turned into "blabbering Phil" I talk and I cannot seem to stop. I want to listen to my visitor but away I go blabbering and blabbering. I visitors are very tolerant and I appreciate their care. So sad Phil feels pretty sorry for himself in any kind of harsh comments to him have a huge impact. Have stories about this when my son's fiancée came to visit over the holidays. She met "sad Phil" first. She handled it fantastically and just rubbed my arm and may have put her had on my shoulder. Her sympathetic heart won me over immediately and I already love her like a daughter.
There is sad Phil and "sadder Phil" you can imagine what that means. Last step is "severely depressed Phil" this Phil has a complete emotional meltdown was sobbing and crying out to God to let me come home. Spiritually I am ready and have been for years. Emotionally it goes up and down the chart depending on my mood. The only one who is seen this stage in my wife. Is usually close to bedtimeOr is this it is during getting ready for. So that is the usual progression and I usually end up as sad Phil each night. I am depressed Phil one or two times a month but usually end up as sad Phil cannot wait to go to bed. Tomorrow is another day and I start the progression allover again. So to be honest this is sort of secret and I feel odd sharing it. Is how each day goes and I want to be as transparent as possible and share the realities this disease. On thing makes me glad that is that I am a very rare case and few people with MS are as bad as I have gotten. I'm glad others do not get this bad. That is the typical day of Phil. I pretty much want to go home to be with the Lord but the bonds I have with my wife and children made me want to stay. I'm want to sign off now my voice is getting mushy and in my voice software can I guess what I want to put down if I say with a mush mouth. Take care dear reader.