I'm not sure how much I'll get to post today. I have a lot of phlegm rattling around and I can't seem to cough it up. I just wanted to mention that Friday around here are pretty busy. In the morning of the two aids that get me up and in my chair in the living room. On Fridays there also here to help the nurse or lately has been a nurse and trainee. And then the social worker and the chaplain switch out every other Friday. Yesterday was the chaplain's turn. I was looking forward to it because I have been pretty low emotionally lately. There is a Facebook page and asked stuff about growing up in the 70s and 80s. They ask you remember this or that. When I first saw it they address a murder that happened when I was recently married and had a house. That murder changed my perspective on society. Before that I was rather naïve and after it is seem to open up the Darkside. It's been 39 years and recently they found a way to test DNA and they found a person who matched. So now this website deals a lot with that case and it has brought up many things for me to think about back then. There were a lot of things in my life when I was still a teenager at home that were unresolved. My stepmother came to me and my sister. They think back and relive things trying to think of way that I could have acted to avoid that. He goes around and around in my head. No matter what I did my stepmother found fault. I finally gave up trying and they kicked me out of the house at 18 for really a very tiny reason. The place I work at was a restaurant called the Springhouse. I really enjoyed it there and like so many of the people. Since I was still very naïve I think I hurt one girl's feelings that I thought was a friend and then want to date her. Naïve me, I thought I would ask my parents for the use of the car because my stepmother always complained that I just did things and didn't care what they thought. When I told them I would like the car the next Friday or next one after that it was like the 3rd° in a TV show. She must asked me 20 questions and she decided that absolutely not, that this girl could not be good for me. The whole thing seems surrealistic and that goes around and around in my head. Once again she humiliated me which was what she had been doing for years. I was so humiliated I avoided this girl for two weeks and never could tell her about it. I'd relive this over and over again trying to think of what I could've done differently. I no one thing I could've gone was explained to her but I was just too humiliated and embarrassed. I think I probably left her feeling like there was something wrong with her but there wasn't.
I talked the chaplain about it and she thought I was spending too much time dwelling on past things. I agreed but was stuck in this cycle pain the because I have way too much time and think about things. Especially when I tried to go to sleep and takes an hour or so to get to sleep. She test me with homework to try to think of what God wanted me to think about and to quit dwelling on past things I could not change. I agreed this was a good idea and I have to read that Facebook site less.I also decided to change what I'm reading in the Bible the book of Philippians. If my memory serves me correctly this letter stresses being joyful in Christ regardless of exterior circumstances. I have very serious issues physically and problems that go along with that emotionally. Sometimes I feel pretty isolated but most of the time I'm fine. I became a Christian and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior when I was 25. Except for some dark times in 2009 I can say I've never felt alone because he is always with me. I don't do him justice putting these old memories circle around in my brain and affected my outlook. I started reading Philippians today and is very hard to read it without being uplifted and feeling the joy that the apostle Paul promotes it. Rejoice, I say rejoice. I know I have a lot of physical issues and just when I get used to the ideas of what's going on with them they seem to morph on me and I have a new set of things to deal with. I main caregiver is my wife and I try as hard as I can to be a light burden on her rather than a heavy burden. Since she works really hate having to wake her up after she's gone to sleep. Problem is she goes asleep a lot earlier than me. Another problem is that as I get settled in it takes 20 minutes to half an hour for me to know if is a comfortable working the situation. Temperature is a big issue. We set the thermostat at the same temp. One night I have to wake her up because I'm cold and I need that covers pulled up on my shoulders. Then last night same covers, same temperature and I have to wake her up at 130 because I am cooking and being overwhelmed by the heat. I really don't get the swings in temperature. It is then that I really really really wish my arms move to so I could move the covers down. So far she is been unbelievable supporting me. One of my big fears is I will burn her out.
Jordyn is another thing. She rarely listens to me or shows me affection unless she is with my wife and I. The other day it kept telling her how sweet she was and I wish my legs moved so I could play with her. I can tell she loves to be chased. Sometimes she will get a paper plate or napkin and she will go to the center of the living room. Her hope is that my wife will chase her. If somebody goes for the paper she will start running from one account to the other and then tear past them and run down the hall. And she cares back down the hall and runs around the living room. When she is outside a lot of times she won't come in and I know she wants somebody to run in the snow and chase her. I kept telling her that I would love to do that but I can't. For some reason seem to understand and now she shows me a little more affection and she does consume me when I tell her to a little bit when somebody's of the door for my wife comes home. She used to go bark at the door trying to hurry them now just calm her down by saying just wait hun they are coming in. Now when she comes back when my wife tease me she will lay down sideways with her head on my leg and sometimes go to sleep. I tell my wife that I know she's playing me open get a bite of my food at the end my wife says that's not going to work on me and I say is on me. She knows how to play me. All I have to go now I'm starting to have to correct too many times that I'm out of breath. Take care dear one.
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