Update

I read and hear about people with health problems that are fighters and warriors. I'm very happy that works for them and they are warriors. My history of primary progressive has taught me that I am neither. I spent many years trying to outwit, exercise and having a fighter attitude. I found in my case none of that mattered. MS is just Plugging along and has won. I have found that nothing I have done as mattered. I just have to keep adapting to the changes. Not too long ago I became a full quadriplegic. Can't even move my fingers. I'm now a picture of someone that has given up. I don't want anyone to have in my description alive or dead I have fought this disease. I now have to have everything done for me. My loving wife keeps having more and more to do for me. It breaks my heart. I just go where she says and try to do what she says. Have great difficulty communicating and I confused her because it trying to make conversation and telling her I have a problem that needs her attention come out the same. The solution is that I quit trying to make conversation. Is been very difficult because I have always enjoI now have a pressure sore that I've gotten mostly from the my chair and since I cannot move in bed I guess it's always got some pressure on it. I'm supposed to be turned on my side and switch the other side every half hour or so. This is impossible for us to do. There is only one side I can lay on and I can only indoor one half hour because of my neck pain. I cannot lay on my left side because I would fall off of the bed. We do the best we can but it does not seem to be improving. Sad to say but this is just one more thing for my wife to do.
I would say I have pretty much given up. I suppose if it happened earlier it would've probably meant suicide. That is out of the question now and no one worries about it because I cannot do anything. I really want to help my wife but that is no longer possible. Some days my eyesight is wacky and some days fairly good. I am hoping it is from the medication I'm trying to get off of and not MS. I pray to be let out of the body and be home with the Lord. So far this not happen. I'm told odd to talk about this because it scares people.
Strangely, Sundays seem the worst. I think it is because the commercials that they show with football games. The show people my age retired and doing fun things that I can no longer do. For some reason kayaking it has now become very popular and is in many commercials. This makes me miss kayaking more than I used to. Between the car commercials and investment/retirement commercials I feel like a moron because I am not prepared for my disease. I know would have been impossible to prepare for this but is one commercial after another.. Commercials make you feel like I should've been able to purchase $40,000 or more vehicles. Everybody in the commercials lives in a huge expensive houses. I like pro football but I'm thinking about not watching because of these commercials. I'm not sure what else to do. Usually Sunday football gives me a break from reading. I like reading but I need a break with something else now and then.
I am starting to lose my breath so I will need to sign off now. Thank you for reading my blog and all your thoughts and prayers. God bless you dear reader.