Lengthy update – Macy makes my life difficult yesterday

I haven't posted for a while because I'm getting worse with my MS. Course I'm expecting it to get worse but it always surprises me how quickly it happens. This week is not gone very well physically. A few weeks ago we could no longer stretch my right arm out perpendicular to my body to stretch my shoulder and arm in the mornings. This coincided with a decrease and the functionality of my right hand. When my son Tom was home I had him stretch my arm out before he got me up thinking it would help. It didn't help my right hand functionality so I realize it's not thing MS is taking away.
Monday morning I woke up I couldn't get my right hand out of the covers. After my wife put me in my chair I was barely able to drive out to the living room. I couldn't feed myself the rest of my breakfast. She fed me half of it before she had to go back to work so I didn't go hungry. My right hand became like my left-handed loses crawled up in a ball on my lap for most of the day. I couldn't get my voice software to work without a reboot I had to wait for my son to come and give me lunch and rebooted then. That pretty much wasted Monday.
Yesterday my voice software was working and I started to go through Facebook. Then Macy decided to jump up on my lap. This was much earlier than usual and I just started Facebook so I didn't back up to give her some more room. I guess is was a mistake because she stepped off my lap onto my laptop PC and walked around on the keyboard. She turned around a few times and then lay down on the keyboard. She couldn't get comfortable and so she got up and walked her around in a circle again and ended up sitting facing the window where she could see out a little bit. She ignored my pleas to get off my keyboard. That's how cats are, they're in charge. She finally got off my PC and I couldn't use it anymore because she whacked out the voice software and everything else. I had to wait for my son to reboot it and then I tried again. Since my right hand is failing it ended up falling on the control joystick and I ended up turning sideways my PC table and running into it at the same time. My arm was stuck so I used "hey Siri" to call my son and he came and got me unstuck. I decided I had had enough and so I leaned my chair back and decided to take a nap until my wife got home.
When I woke up it was near 5 PM. Unfortunately I have arm spasm when I wake up. During my right arm spasm my hand at the joystick again and started to move my PC table. I tried as hard as I could to move it off of the joystick. I was partially successful but ended up being on the opposite side of the joystick so that it ran into my PC table, lamp table and I started spinning around. Could not get my arm off of it and I ended up driving my chair and PC table into the dining table which made me come to a stop. I was able to finally get my hand off and then use my hand a little bit to drive backwards away from the dining table and out from under the PC table little bit. I was not in any danger or pain so I decided my wife would be home within an hour or so so I would just stay there to see came home. Facebook was open so I ended up being able to catch up on my newsfeed before she got home. Plus her art when she came home she didn't scold me but just helped me get back to my normal spot. She fixed my PC table and I stayed out of trouble rest of the night.
This morning I have a small amount of mobility in my right hand and decided to use what little energy I have to post on my blog. I think the previous days problems were just a forerunner of what I can expect in the future from my right hand but today I can do a little something so I well. For some reason yesterday's fiascoes did not bother me. I wish I could say was because I am a good Christian and have the Lord in my art. It's more like I just feel that inside and what more can happen to me that hasn't already happened. I'm probably not the best example of a Christian but I do know Jesus and know that he loves me. I appreciate that I have some used today and hope my right hand will continue to be usable even a tiny bit. No telling though MS is a cruel taskmaster.

Inspiring new TV show – This Is Us

I have been feeling pretty depressed lately. I had the procedure in February hoping to get a permanent fix to my trigeminal pain in my jaw. Couple months ago the pain came back and the neurologist at U of I hospital said I may be able to control the pain the smaller doses of the pain that affected my MS. So I tried that and it really helped with the pain and it is a much smaller dose than before. I'm not sure how much it affects my MS and my limited mobility of my right hand. I've lost mobility but I'm not sure if it is the combination of MS and the pain med or just MS. I talked to the doctor Monday about it these going to call my neurologist to save me having to explain it another 2 to 3 times. He also is treating me as if I have pneumonia again which I possibly do. I have bore my voice back so I'm back to using my PC a little bit.
So I haven't been feeling very thankful lately even though I have a wonderful family to be thankful for as well as friends. There is a new TV show called "this is us". I have become quite addicted to the show and my favorite character is Randall who was adopted and recently found his birth father. Finding his birth father was complicated by the fact his father has terminal cancer. In the show last night he was asked "what does it feel like to be dying"when he was in an awkward situation outside getting surprise share. His answer almost brought me to tears.
I'm sure I won't do the subject justice but I will try my best. He said it's like all these beautiful moments are swirling around him and he is trying to grab them and hold them tight so they are lost. Now he's getting older and slower and it's harder to get them. He said like when my granddaughter is sitting on my lap and falls asleep and I feel her breath on my shoulder. Or when his son laughs, come from deep down in his chest. He said he is getting slow and old and it's hard to grab these moments as a swirl around him and he advised the person he was talking to to grab these moments of they are still young and can hold on them.
I started thinking about all of the beautiful things that have swirled around me and I'm filled with joy and appreciation. My wife and I if hardly been apart since we been married. There been a few work trips and a few trips where we didn't go together but for the most part we have slept together for all these years. I realize how much I appreciate hearing your breathing while she sleeps. When I wake up in the night and I hear breathing next to me it is one of those beautiful moments. A few years ago we thought about getting me a hospital bed and me sleeping in the room by myself. I told her that is the last thing I want to do is to lose having her next to me. Hearing your breathing is one of those great choice I have do remember, cradle and enjoy over and over again.
I have so many other memories from my sons when they were babies up until the beautiful adults have become. So many beautiful things for me to latch onto and not forget. When I think of these things I feel truly blessed and have trouble feeling depressed anymore.
I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving, I'm sure I will.

MS post – possibly my last.

Well I am totally baffled by this crazy disease I have. Not sure if it's my cough or MS but I am having a very difficult time talking. I know my MS affects my diaphragm it has made speaking difficult. Today is the third day of a quickly decreasing ability to speak. Am finding I can only say two or three words a time and the volume is very low. I'm not sure if this it's permanent or temporary. If it's permanent I may only have this post and one more and I have saved but not publish. If this is my last one I feel I have not publish all that I wanted. This disease is so strange to me. I used to joke when I had a bad cold or the stomach flu that I felt like dying but this wasn't fatal. To me this disease is so weird because it debilitate's but is not terminal. The doctors of told me can expect to live to a normal life expectancy. To me disease is severe should also be terminal!
This brings up a very serious issue. In first John we are told that get no that we have eternal life. I know where I will go when the time comes for me to pass. There is also the fact that Jesus could come back at any time. Personally I don't think I will be in my lifetime because there is a first the apostle Peter wrote that says "he is long-suffering toward us, not willing that any should perish". So, dear reader God is lingering over his creation waiting for that day for all his own to be saved. There is a him that says "gently and tenderly Jesus is calling, calling for you and for me... Oh sinner,, come home"! I have heard saviors call but I fear my loved ones who do not know Jesus. Please come home for its too late.

I'm Batman!

This photo was taken near Halloween. We didn't get it back to after Halloween but it is too cute not to post. He didn't really like a mask but he is such a well-behaved dog he put up with it long enough to get a photo or two. I can just imagine him saying "I'm Batman". He will be here for Thanksgiving so we're really looking forward to that.

Two cat stories and a small update on me.

It's Friday morning I was hoping to have a cuddly cat again yesterday. Not gonna happen. Today she is crazy kitty. She has a scratching post and she attacks it even though she is declawed in the front. While she attacks the post she usually looks back at me as if to say "yeah this could be you I was attacking if I had claws!" Then she hides behind things on the TV stay in and then jumps out and attacks the footstool. Then she tears down the hallway and then back into the living room. It's kind of funny how one quiet little cat get some like a herd of horses running down the hall. I don't think she would do very good in the outdoors. Her hunting skills seem a little off and she would probably starve. Of course we letter to think the that she is a vicious predator and act scared when she was seems crazy. Right now she told back down the hall and designing under one of the best and will probably stay there the rest of the day.
As for me I still have this stupid cough. I realized a few weeks ago that I was coughing on phlegm over and over. My wife got be some Mucinex and that really helps especially when I'm in bed laying on my back. Not sure how much longer this is going to last it's been weeks now. Of course is more annoying than anything else. I'm sure I don't have bronchitis because I don't have any pain when I cough. I've had bronchitis dozens of times since I was a kid. Part of it is my MS that affects my diaphragm and my breathing so I may be on the Mucinex for quite a while.
Yesterday our neighbor Colleen came over with her cocker spaniel named Roxie. I had her left Roxie up on the couch where the cat was sleeping. Macy did not seem the slightest bit annoyed by her and let Roxie Sniff her and even lick her head. Small dogs don't seem to worry her. Atlas was small when she first met him so now I'm thinking her animosity toward him is jealousy. Poor kitty has to share.

Biggest Fear – North Korea

It seems really strange that in this last election the most volatile and dangerous area of the world was never mentioned except in passing. I'm talking about North Korea. North Korea as the most concentrated dangerous military up anywhere in the world. Of course the US is the dominant military power but we are spread out all over. North Korea is concentrated. A few months ago I read a few statistics that support North Korea as my biggest fear.
Besides having nuclear weapons that can reach all of the Pacific Rim there working on missiles that could reach the West Coast of the United States. Right now they have nuclear missiles that can reach Western Alaska. Besides their nuclear armament they have conventional Army and weapons. Right now there is 2 1/2 million in their standing army with a reserve of 2 million more. This is opposing a South Korean force of 1 million standing army and a small contingent of US troops in a base.
I read that North Korea, if it were to invade South Korea, would take him three days to occupy Seoul South Korea. There is only one thing that keeps them from doing this. It is the nuclear deterrent that the United States has in place due to our base there and an agreement was South Korea to defend them in the event of an invasion.
So the scenario I think of that terrifies me is that the only deterrent would be that we would "bomb the crap out of them" if they were to invade South Korea. This isn't a fantastic to deterrent because if there are me is in South Korea we can only bomb North Korea. I know Donald Trump probably views the leader of North Korea as that strange little kid with funny hair that wears weird coats. Leader of North Korea probably views Donald Trump is that strange guy with the weird comb-over who wears red ties.
One suggestion Donald Trump bad was to give nuclear arms to Japan but I don't see how that would work. Japan is the oldest civilization in the Pacific Rim. They are not inclined to back South Korea and especially would never backed China which seems to hold the North Korea and check a little bit. I think most Americans think the Pacific Rim is all one big happy family. This is so far from the truth. North Korea, South Korea, Japan and China are all very separate and have no real bonds to each other. My big fear is that this tight rope that the US has been walking with the Koreas is beyond the scope Donald Trump since he just wants to "bomb the crap out of people" of course if we use nuclear weapons against North Korea began expected nuclear retaliation by China against us.
The concentration of military in the Korean Peninsula is almost incomprehensible. Our deterrent said small force that would be wiped out very quickly and be our reason to act with nuclear capability. I think that is enough said.

MS Post – trying to balance the scales

I want to thank anyone who is posted and uplifting comment on Facebook. I thought I should try to maybe be a little more honest. With the MS I have I'm constantly grieving the loss of some ability. It seems be a never-ending cycle of grief, and then accept and adapt. I don't think there's a way to adapt to losing the use of my right hand and so my grief as been overwhelming.
In the mornings I started out in a good mood and can use my right hand a little bit. By evening both of my hands become almost useless and my wife asked to do everything for me. This has been pretty hard for me to deal with and in the evenings I am filled with despair. I tried to project a positive outlook on my website but I want you all to know that most evenings I struggle with depression and despair. This makes it difficult on my caregivers. I'm so sick of being a burden to those around me. I know they find it frustrating and I find it more than frustrating and long for the day when I will be read of this "body of corruption". But I just wanted to give a balanced view of my disease and condition.
This last weekend I was especially a burden to my caregivers emotionally. Here it is Monday morning and like most mornings renewed somehow in spirit.
I am grieving also for my friend Regis who has been experiencing MS hugs. This is where it's like a band around your chest and stomach area and it makes breathing hard and fills people with terror and anxiety. I have not experienced this phenomenon except maybe once. I feel for Regis and hope he gets some relief somehow. Of course there is no medical cure but I know God's overall.

Silly animal story and serious MS post

I'm able to post a little bit today. I'm here by myself with Tom's dog Atlas. The cat is here somewhere which she hides a lot of the day when the dog is here. Even though she intimidates him she still hides. Yesterday she was laying in the dog spot on the couch. The sun was beating in and she laid in the sun. He got up on the couch and was sort of close to her. He wouldn't turn his head over by her because he was afraid of her. After about five minutes of looking uncomfortable he got down on the floor and wouldn't go near. It was pretty funny
I should post something about MS once in a while. You probably know is gotten pretty bad and I am losing the use of my right arm and hand which was all I had left. In 2009 when I was diagnosed the doctor told me I would probably walk with a cane but be fine until retirement age which in my case is about 67. I've always wondered as he was blowing smoke because of he told me the truth would go out and hang myself. He's a little bit of a not so and I'm never sure about that.
I did ask him once if something else could be affecting me long with the MS that made it in advance so fast. He said possibly but anything that would do that was more rare than what I had and had no treatments either so I just dropped it.
Some of things that have helped me deal with my disease verses in the Bible. I'm not going to give the references new can look them up for yourself the one. There is one of the Old Testament that says "shall not the Judge of all the earth do right". In Romans Paul says "does the Clay say to the potter why has thou made me such?". God's overall and and God is good. If I have a disease I need to endure and keep in mind my heavenly home and the joy that awaits me seeing Jesus as he is.
There is also a quote from Shawshank redemption of "get busy living or get busy dying". This is come to my thoughts and many many times.
When I was much younger I read the book "flowers for Algernon". it was made into the movie Charlie. In it a man who was retarded got a medical treatments that made him supersmart and he fell in love with the doctor who treated him and she with him. Unfortunately the procedure started declining in the test mouse whose name is in the title. Charlie started to decline also and it was a very sad book. So sometimes I wonder about myself in this disease. I think but of my life were reversed and I started out quadriplegic at birth and as I got older I get better until in my 20s I was totally healthy. I would be ecstatic and rejoice. So what gave my disease I think of all the times I had where I was healthy and all of the good things I enjoyed. Especially my wife and children they have probably great joy and it is for them that I persevere on even though I deal with depression due to my disease. I can't say how this will and but I know that there are three outcomes. One is that I get out of this disease through death. I can also get out of this disease due to a miracle. I'm not expecting that. Jesus could return and call me home into the clouds (rapture). The true hope of the Christian is to "wait for his son from heaven". No one knows when that will be it could be today, it could be in 100 years but were supposed to have that hope right in front of us to keep us going. I pray that would be true of me as I deal with this awful disease.