I went to the pulmonologist last Thursday and it was the kind of depressing visit. Due to my MS, my diaphragm and other muscles that expand and contract for breathing are getting weaker. He really didn't have anything to help me except to get me tested for lung capacity and end up getting a justification for a BPAP machine. I think it is similar to a CPAP but little bit different. He thought I should wear it at night and help my breathing muscles to rest in the hopes that I would have more breathing energy during the day. I don't think I'm in danger it's just that some days I am almost unable to speak, other days I can do pretty good as long as there is no background noise.
So since that visit I have been a real roller coaster with emotions. One problem is that I do not go to sleep when my wife does and if I wear this I won't be able to do anything. I can't use my smile mouse program or even the voice software. I watch a lot of Amazon prime video shows. The problem with these is not that my wife can't start them and so if she goes to sleep I wouldn't be able to stop them and just go from one episode to the next. I have found one recently that's quite fascinating it is called Orphan Black. I might post later what it is about. To involved to explain it today.
Since that doctors visit my moods have been all over the place. It was a holiday weekend and it started out pretty rainy weather. The weekends are always hard for me because that is when I feel when I lost the most. I want to do things and activities with my wife but am unable to. I end up feeling like a boat anchor. One day I got to go out of the porch and I listened to music.
I also started praying which usually is a good thing but on that day I ended up being angry and sad. Anyone who has a chronic disease knows these feelings I think. I often pray that God would just let me come home. But that doesn't seem to be in the cards.
Then my niece stopped over with her new dog and he got to play with Atlas in the backyard. We have a fence now, chain-link. We mainly got it because the neighbors' dog would run over here whenever Atlas was out. For some reason they made a big stink about the property line which we had surveyed and then re-marked 2 weeks before. For some reason they waited until all the fence people were here working and started a fuss. They seem to think the surveyor and the pins that were in the ground since before I was born were wrong but they waited until that day to cause a stink. I'm thinking they're pretty weird now. We used to get along with them okay, but no more.
Then Memorial Day came and it was my youngest son's birthday. We had a bunch of people over and our sons Tom and Matt invited some friends. There were dogs and kids. It was nonstop movement in the really raised my mood up. It was a nice distraction and I really appreciate it. It got me outside of my own pity party and that is always a good thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment