I wanted to inform my readers I am going to take a break from posting. Tom leaves in early July and I'm not sure they can count on total quiet until he is gone.
I woke up Sunday as they say "lower than a whales belly". I will share a little bit of why. With this MS seems like it is always one step forward and two steps back. One thing is my breathing machine. When I started using it at night it effec it helped my speech during the day. Now it doesn't. I tried going without it but I had to wake my wife up because I was short of breath. Now my speech during the day is almost impossible for people around me to understand.
The combination of having MS and not moving from paralysis is really screwed up my digestive system. You no longer have an appetite, ever, and I'm losing the ability to taste. I still enjoy eating and my wife the good cook but is getting harder to eat a full meal. Used to look forward to eating but that is getting harder to do.
The trigeminal procedure seemed to work great he immediately. I started decreasing the medication but like everything associated with my disease it's a mixed bag. The decrease of medication from 10 pills down to five last month or so. What I want from five pills down to four the pain has come back in one place. Now I don't know whether to keep it that for pills and live with some pain for a while for go back to five pills. My hope has been to get off medication is the doctor says it messes up the balance of my electrolyte system.
Part of me is glad we have them pets. Lately though I have to say's I become disappointed. A few weeks ago lacy used to sleep on my but since we got Jordan she has stopped doing that because Jordan is to aggressive wanting to sniff her. I no longer get any attention from our pets. Tom dog still shows me some attention and I go to bed or when he gets to sleep with us. When he tries to sleep with us Jordan gets jealous, jumps up on the bed and starts wrestling with them. She's got a lot of puppy in her so I don't get angry at her for mostly just sad.
Am not sure if it would help to have a good cry but that is problematic because I take take a anti-depression bill that is also my anti-anxiety pill. I find I cannot cry because of that bill. Many times wish I could.
I'm going to call off line until Tom leaves. I might try posting when he is out playing golf. But mostly were now I'm probably not going to try. He hasn't left yet I'm still doing sad about missing him with his dog. I have nothing upbeat say and so I probably will to as I was taught that "if you don't have anything good to say don't say anything". Thank you for your concern and prayers. They are my only hope with this stupid disease.
Phil and Macy
Monday, June 25, 2018
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
High blood pressure
My son Tom got in the doctor yesterday. My blood pressure was high. When I was working it was consistently around 130/90dd 90. Yesterday was 170/110. When I got home my wife checked in with a blood pressure cuff. It was even higher. I have a prescription but the PA said it would take about two weeks to really kick in. Hopefully it will bring it down. One thing came o ut the last six months of having known high blood pressure. If I was going to have an aneurys blow open. I guess that's good I personally it seems like a good way to check out. Short amount of pain and then goodbye. I suppose I am being morbid now. I see lots of people in the obituaries that are my age or younger will I think I'm being realistic.
I am hoping my vision improves. Today is a little better than yesterday but still not good. I don't think any thing all out my voice. Sometimes nothing comes out. Other times is so faint I can be heard. What's strange is that I think it's going to come out strong and then it's pretty feeble. I never know until it comes out. I am as surprised as my listeners. Take care everyone.
I am hoping my vision improves. Today is a little better than yesterday but still not good. I don't think any thing all out my voice. Sometimes nothing comes out. Other times is so faint I can be heard. What's strange is that I think it's going to come out strong and then it's pretty feeble. I never know until it comes out. I am as surprised as my listeners. Take care everyone.
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Eyesight problems
My vision today is very bad. I can see. Except for my eyes I will bouncing effect. So is really impossible to focus on anything. I am doing this post by memory. I started to wonder today if I blood pressure my be effect yet I started wondering today had my blood pressure by be affecting my site and I have been blaming medication I'm on board trigeminal. My son made an appointment to see the doctor today for my blood pressure. The last six months every time is been checked it has been 20 points higher than they used to be. I suppose I should do something about it. I've just ignore the problem. [It used to be] he used to be around 1. 33/90
Monday, June 18, 2018
Father's Day surprise
We have had a new dog, Jordan, for a few months now. She is definitely my wife's dog. I have been very worried that after Arlae leaves I won't get any attention from her dog. I had my first encouraging sign on Father's Day morning. When my wife came in to get me off I was surprised by Jordan. Without a command when she got on the bed she laid down on my stomach with her head down. She was cuddimg. When my wife came over she rolled over some more and looked at my wife with her head upside down . It was very cute and was very sweet.. So on Father's Day I got some affection. Now I am encouraged that she will be Papa's girl more in the future. Especially when it's just me alone with her. Since she joined our household we don't see much of the cats because Jordan is too aggressive for them. Jordan can be very sweet and am looking forward to seeing more of that side of her. She would not hurt them but is too aggressive chasing them and smelling them. I am going to miss Tom's dog when he goes to Alaska in a few weeks. Now I have hope that Jordan will show me some affection. Up until this weekend you just ignored me. She still has a lot of puppy in her.
Friday, June 15, 2018
Ministry has helped me
This is a portion of a book.
Depression: Fighting Dragons
by Jim Burgen from No More Dragons
Jesus said,
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” — John 16:33
What did Jesus call people who were attacked by dragons, regardless of the righteous way they were conducting their lives? Jesus called these people normal. Jesus made a few promises about what would happen to us, regardless of our faith. Here is what Jesus promised those who love Him the most:
In this world you will have trouble. – John 16:33
Jesus didn’t say, “In this world, there is a slight chance that you will go through hard times.” Jesus didn’t say, “If you don’t have enough faith, you will have trouble.” Jesus didn’t say, “If you go to church, stop cussing, don’t drink too much, and always keep your promises, then you won’t have any trouble.” Instead, Jesus said that trouble will hunt you. Period.
If you are alive and breathing, you will have trouble in this world. Either you will hunt the dragon, or the dragon will hunt you. There is no escaping it.
Jesus had every right to make this statement. Jesus believed all the right things, and He had stronger faith and loved God more than you and I will ever be able to. Still, soon after making this statement, Jesus was arrested and nailed to a cross.
Faith, belief, and love do not buffer or barricade your life from trouble and hardship. In fact, sometimes it feels like having faith and doing the right things can attract trouble. I want to address the dragon that I most often see hunting the people around me: depression. This includes both the deep blues anyone can feel and the diagnosable imbalance that plagues so many. No one asks for this dragon, but he swallows up many people regardless. This dragon is big, heavy, overwhelming, and he has the potential to crush, suffocate, and swallow you up. This dragon doesn’t create bad days or bad weeks. He creates bad childhoods, bad decades, and bad lives. On and on, day after day, year after year, this dragon causes pain with no relief in sight.
Remember that overwhelmingly sad feeling when you learned that someone you loved died? Remember the guilt and embarrassment you felt after your biggest failure was exposed? Remember facing the biggest problem in your life and thinking that it was impossible to fix? Remember that time, as a little kid, when someone held you under the swimming pool too long, and you thought you were going to drown? Roll all of those emotions into one, carry them around with you every day from the time you wake up until the time you fall asleep, and you will begin to understand the dragon of depression.
When you experience the dragon of depression, your entire world is seen only through the lens of sadness, hopelessness, mourning, loss, emptiness, grief, pain, anger, frustration, guilt, and death. Death is always there, looming and lurking: “I can’t live another minute like this. Death has to be better than this. The people around me would be better off if I wasn’t here to hurt them. I can’t do this anymore. This is never going to get any better.”
The dragon of depression is a cyclical prison cell. It’s like a dog chasing its own tail: “I am depressed. Because I’m depressed, I can’t do what I need to do. This makes me feel like a failure. That makes me depressed. Because I’m depressed, I can’t do what I need to do. This makes me feel like a failure. That makes me depressed.”
David, the famous king from the Bible, knew these feelings well:
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? Turn, Lord, and deliver me; save me because of Your unfailing love. Among the dead no one proclaims Your name. Who praises You from the grave? I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. – Psalm 6:2-6
How long, Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death. – Psalm 13:1-3
King David wasn’t alone, and you aren’t either. This might surprise some readers, but Jesus understands what depression feels like. In the Garden of Gethsemane, just before Jesus was arrested, He experienced the height of His depression:
Then He said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with Me.” Going a little farther, He fell with His face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from Me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” – Matthew 26:38-39
If you read Hebrews 4:15, it is clear that Jesus had been tempted in every way that we are, yet He walked through those temptations without sinning. But somewhere along the way, it seems some biblical scholar or translator decided “depression” was no longer included in the long list of ways that Jesus was tempted.
In my opinion, it’s tough to read, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” without concluding that Jesus was struggling with depression. Jesus essentially said, “I’ve been swallowed up to the core of My being with sorrow. The suffocating weight of My sadness is about to crush My life.” Elsewhere, the Bible says this about Jesus’ time in the garden:
Being in anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. – Luke 22:44
There is a medical condition (hematidrosis) brought on by extreme emotional anguish, strain, and stress during which the capillaries in the skin rupture, allowing blood to flow out of a person’s sweat pores. So for hours, alone in a dark corner of a remote garden, Jesus fell down, curled up on the ground, cried, and prayed so intensely for deliverance from His circumstances that the blood vessels burst inside His skin. You can call it whatever you want, but to me it looks like emotional depression.
Depression can also be caused by guilt. Sometimes the weight of our downfalls and sins can cause us to grieve and mourn to the point of depression. That’s one of the reasons King David was depressed. He had just been convicted of adultery and murder, and his child was about to die. He used phrases like, “My bones wasted away… my strength was sapped… Do not forsake me, my God… My heart has turned to wax… my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth… Troubles without number surround me” (Psalm 32:3-4, Psalm 71:18, Psalm22:14–15, Psalm 40:12).
The apostle Peter understood depression after he denied knowing Jesus. After his sin of denying Jesus, Peter wept bitterly (Matthew 26:75). Judas understood depression after he betrayed Jesus to his death. When the weight and guilt of what he had done finally hit him, Judas decided that committing suicide was the only way out of the belly of the dragon in which he found himself swallowed (Matthew 27:1-5).
Depression can also be caused by the difficult circumstances of our lives. Life can get so hard that it makes us depressed, and that’s what Jesus was feeling in the Garden of Gethsemane. He understood why He needed to be sacrificed. He even knew the job wonderful outcome that would result from His torture and death. Yet even though Jesus knew that the next few days would ultimately become the most wonderful event ever to occur in the history of the universe, the thought of them still caused Him to collapse to the ground, curl up, and cry until blood seeped from His pores.
Depression can also be the result of a physical illness. Sometimes the circumstances of our bodies can cause us to become depressed. I’m not talking about body image issues causing someone to become depressed (although that happens often). I’m talking about synapses misfiring and chemicals becoming imbalanced. I’m talking about diseases within our bodies. This can be the most difficult cause of depression to wrestle with because you can’t quite put your finger on the reason you are suffering. You’re simply suffering.
Depression has many causes, it revolves around death and pain, and it has no easy fixes.
In Romans 12:15, we are commanded to "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn", so how can you come alongside a friend in support, comfort, and love? ~ Laurie McClure, FaithGateway Editor
Depression: Fighting Dragons
by Jim Burgen from No More Dragons
Jesus said,
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” — John 16:33
What did Jesus call people who were attacked by dragons, regardless of the righteous way they were conducting their lives? Jesus called these people normal. Jesus made a few promises about what would happen to us, regardless of our faith. Here is what Jesus promised those who love Him the most:
In this world you will have trouble. – John 16:33
Jesus didn’t say, “In this world, there is a slight chance that you will go through hard times.” Jesus didn’t say, “If you don’t have enough faith, you will have trouble.” Jesus didn’t say, “If you go to church, stop cussing, don’t drink too much, and always keep your promises, then you won’t have any trouble.” Instead, Jesus said that trouble will hunt you. Period.
If you are alive and breathing, you will have trouble in this world. Either you will hunt the dragon, or the dragon will hunt you. There is no escaping it.
Jesus had every right to make this statement. Jesus believed all the right things, and He had stronger faith and loved God more than you and I will ever be able to. Still, soon after making this statement, Jesus was arrested and nailed to a cross.
Faith, belief, and love do not buffer or barricade your life from trouble and hardship. In fact, sometimes it feels like having faith and doing the right things can attract trouble. I want to address the dragon that I most often see hunting the people around me: depression. This includes both the deep blues anyone can feel and the diagnosable imbalance that plagues so many. No one asks for this dragon, but he swallows up many people regardless. This dragon is big, heavy, overwhelming, and he has the potential to crush, suffocate, and swallow you up. This dragon doesn’t create bad days or bad weeks. He creates bad childhoods, bad decades, and bad lives. On and on, day after day, year after year, this dragon causes pain with no relief in sight.
Remember that overwhelmingly sad feeling when you learned that someone you loved died? Remember the guilt and embarrassment you felt after your biggest failure was exposed? Remember facing the biggest problem in your life and thinking that it was impossible to fix? Remember that time, as a little kid, when someone held you under the swimming pool too long, and you thought you were going to drown? Roll all of those emotions into one, carry them around with you every day from the time you wake up until the time you fall asleep, and you will begin to understand the dragon of depression.
When you experience the dragon of depression, your entire world is seen only through the lens of sadness, hopelessness, mourning, loss, emptiness, grief, pain, anger, frustration, guilt, and death. Death is always there, looming and lurking: “I can’t live another minute like this. Death has to be better than this. The people around me would be better off if I wasn’t here to hurt them. I can’t do this anymore. This is never going to get any better.”
The dragon of depression is a cyclical prison cell. It’s like a dog chasing its own tail: “I am depressed. Because I’m depressed, I can’t do what I need to do. This makes me feel like a failure. That makes me depressed. Because I’m depressed, I can’t do what I need to do. This makes me feel like a failure. That makes me depressed.”
David, the famous king from the Bible, knew these feelings well:
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? Turn, Lord, and deliver me; save me because of Your unfailing love. Among the dead no one proclaims Your name. Who praises You from the grave? I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. – Psalm 6:2-6
How long, Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death. – Psalm 13:1-3
King David wasn’t alone, and you aren’t either. This might surprise some readers, but Jesus understands what depression feels like. In the Garden of Gethsemane, just before Jesus was arrested, He experienced the height of His depression:
Then He said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with Me.” Going a little farther, He fell with His face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from Me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” – Matthew 26:38-39
If you read Hebrews 4:15, it is clear that Jesus had been tempted in every way that we are, yet He walked through those temptations without sinning. But somewhere along the way, it seems some biblical scholar or translator decided “depression” was no longer included in the long list of ways that Jesus was tempted.
In my opinion, it’s tough to read, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” without concluding that Jesus was struggling with depression. Jesus essentially said, “I’ve been swallowed up to the core of My being with sorrow. The suffocating weight of My sadness is about to crush My life.” Elsewhere, the Bible says this about Jesus’ time in the garden:
Being in anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. – Luke 22:44
There is a medical condition (hematidrosis) brought on by extreme emotional anguish, strain, and stress during which the capillaries in the skin rupture, allowing blood to flow out of a person’s sweat pores. So for hours, alone in a dark corner of a remote garden, Jesus fell down, curled up on the ground, cried, and prayed so intensely for deliverance from His circumstances that the blood vessels burst inside His skin. You can call it whatever you want, but to me it looks like emotional depression.
Depression can also be caused by guilt. Sometimes the weight of our downfalls and sins can cause us to grieve and mourn to the point of depression. That’s one of the reasons King David was depressed. He had just been convicted of adultery and murder, and his child was about to die. He used phrases like, “My bones wasted away… my strength was sapped… Do not forsake me, my God… My heart has turned to wax… my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth… Troubles without number surround me” (Psalm 32:3-4, Psalm 71:18, Psalm22:14–15, Psalm 40:12).
The apostle Peter understood depression after he denied knowing Jesus. After his sin of denying Jesus, Peter wept bitterly (Matthew 26:75). Judas understood depression after he betrayed Jesus to his death. When the weight and guilt of what he had done finally hit him, Judas decided that committing suicide was the only way out of the belly of the dragon in which he found himself swallowed (Matthew 27:1-5).
Depression can also be caused by the difficult circumstances of our lives. Life can get so hard that it makes us depressed, and that’s what Jesus was feeling in the Garden of Gethsemane. He understood why He needed to be sacrificed. He even knew the job wonderful outcome that would result from His torture and death. Yet even though Jesus knew that the next few days would ultimately become the most wonderful event ever to occur in the history of the universe, the thought of them still caused Him to collapse to the ground, curl up, and cry until blood seeped from His pores.
Depression can also be the result of a physical illness. Sometimes the circumstances of our bodies can cause us to become depressed. I’m not talking about body image issues causing someone to become depressed (although that happens often). I’m talking about synapses misfiring and chemicals becoming imbalanced. I’m talking about diseases within our bodies. This can be the most difficult cause of depression to wrestle with because you can’t quite put your finger on the reason you are suffering. You’re simply suffering.
Depression has many causes, it revolves around death and pain, and it has no easy fixes.
In Romans 12:15, we are commanded to "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn", so how can you come alongside a friend in support, comfort, and love? ~ Laurie McClure, FaithGateway Editor
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Attitude – another post
The other day I posted "the other side of the story". Remember Paul Harvey. I was afraid that people were getting the wrong idea about me and looking up to me like I was I was a good role model. I don't feel like I am. My caregivers are the ones who inspire me and they are role models. As far as it goes for me there are times when I feel like I know why God has allowed this to happen to me. It bothers me that I'm such a burden. I have trouble communicating my needs and this is frustrating.
I became a Christian and accepted the Lord Jesus as my God and Savior when I was 25. Outwardly I was not really that bad but inwardly I remember. Was full of anger and vileness it came out so many times is swearing and cursing. When I drank I became a very obnoxious person, worse when I was sober. Looking back I don't know why my friend Mark stuck with me and my friend Dave save me from really stupid things. The girl is my wife now saw through this somehow. He finally had enough of my terrible behavior when I was drunk that she put her foot down and gave me an ultimatum. I "quit drinking" for about the 10th time. They knew she was serious and I knew that my drinking pattern would be the same as before. I would start out not drinking and that I would think all I can handle one. One would lead to three, you would lead the five and that I would back like I was before. I held on because I didn't want to lose her friend knew in my heart I was let down the same road. I started reading the Bible and after a while, while reading Proverbs, realize that book was really from God. I tried to stop cursing along my drinking. No amount of trying by me was going to work. I found myself slipping back into old habits and was terrified because I didn't want to lose her. I finally cried out to Jesus to save me from myself and he faithfully did that. Fast-forward, I married that girl, and have three wonderful sons, I love being a father spending time with them, and not drink for over 20 years.
I had to remove my computer so I lost my train of thought. Will do my best to complete this. So when I think of people who inspire me I think of my caregivers. I difficult the communication and my frustration of the problems this causes I have ended up cursing a lot more than before. I realize afterwords that I'm either cursing at myself. I do not direct these toward my caregivers. After I curse words I feel ashamed. I know deep down that God has saved me from myself. I know still that same angry young man that I was all those years ago. So if you're going to find inspiration you can find it more in my caregivers and in me. I so hope to post a piece of ministry I found the other day it is taking longer to reduce it down something that fits on my blog. If it's not this week it will be next week. Can no longer select large block of text and delete it. Either can go by each line or each letter but if I try to get a large portion I get the whole thing. Thank you again to read my blog God bless you.
I became a Christian and accepted the Lord Jesus as my God and Savior when I was 25. Outwardly I was not really that bad but inwardly I remember. Was full of anger and vileness it came out so many times is swearing and cursing. When I drank I became a very obnoxious person, worse when I was sober. Looking back I don't know why my friend Mark stuck with me and my friend Dave save me from really stupid things. The girl is my wife now saw through this somehow. He finally had enough of my terrible behavior when I was drunk that she put her foot down and gave me an ultimatum. I "quit drinking" for about the 10th time. They knew she was serious and I knew that my drinking pattern would be the same as before. I would start out not drinking and that I would think all I can handle one. One would lead to three, you would lead the five and that I would back like I was before. I held on because I didn't want to lose her friend knew in my heart I was let down the same road. I started reading the Bible and after a while, while reading Proverbs, realize that book was really from God. I tried to stop cursing along my drinking. No amount of trying by me was going to work. I found myself slipping back into old habits and was terrified because I didn't want to lose her. I finally cried out to Jesus to save me from myself and he faithfully did that. Fast-forward, I married that girl, and have three wonderful sons, I love being a father spending time with them, and not drink for over 20 years.
I had to remove my computer so I lost my train of thought. Will do my best to complete this. So when I think of people who inspire me I think of my caregivers. I difficult the communication and my frustration of the problems this causes I have ended up cursing a lot more than before. I realize afterwords that I'm either cursing at myself. I do not direct these toward my caregivers. After I curse words I feel ashamed. I know deep down that God has saved me from myself. I know still that same angry young man that I was all those years ago. So if you're going to find inspiration you can find it more in my caregivers and in me. I so hope to post a piece of ministry I found the other day it is taking longer to reduce it down something that fits on my blog. If it's not this week it will be next week. Can no longer select large block of text and delete it. Either can go by each line or each letter but if I try to get a large portion I get the whole thing. Thank you again to read my blog God bless you.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Restored heart
Yesterday I posted with the intention of letting people know both sides of my story. I do not feel like I should inspire people to be a good role model. If I am so be it but is not my intention. I have to say I get fairly bummed out because I should be the one taking care of my wife but it's not that way. We are at the age where for our 40th anniversary we should've been going somewhere Sandy and on the ocean somewhere. Now There's no way I can fly and I don't want to go very far in the vehicle because I need my lift. We find it difficult to go anywhere because of parking now. Finding handicap parking with the ramp space has turned into a major stressor and most of the time I don't even want to leave the house. We went to a concert Friday and mentally I was exhausted the rest of the weekend. It is very difficult on me to see how difficult this disease has been to my wife.
I have been pretty depressed lately. This morning I was reminded of the line in Psalm 23 "the restores my soul". I use a Bible app called you version. Having signed up for this I get 2 to 3 meals a day of either book offers or short pieces of ministry. I think I've read two of them in 10 years but for some reason one I got today jumped out to me. The man writing pointed out some of David's bad times and Psalms were written by him. Then he pointed out some person that quoted Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. He pointed out something with a different slant than I have ever heard. Jesus went through all of the human emotions so we can be our great high priest. The verses really sunk in and I have to say my soul was restored from the depression I have been struggling with lately. I circumstances have not changed but my heart has been lifted up. I still struggle with wanting to take care of my wife and give her the type of life that she deserves. Have always been very active until the last few years. I hope to post some of these verses tomorrow or the next day. I have three email accounts and that email was one on my other PC. I thought it would show up on one of the accounts I have on this PC that I will have to wait. Waiting is now a middle name.
I have been pretty depressed lately. This morning I was reminded of the line in Psalm 23 "the restores my soul". I use a Bible app called you version. Having signed up for this I get 2 to 3 meals a day of either book offers or short pieces of ministry. I think I've read two of them in 10 years but for some reason one I got today jumped out to me. The man writing pointed out some of David's bad times and Psalms were written by him. Then he pointed out some person that quoted Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. He pointed out something with a different slant than I have ever heard. Jesus went through all of the human emotions so we can be our great high priest. The verses really sunk in and I have to say my soul was restored from the depression I have been struggling with lately. I circumstances have not changed but my heart has been lifted up. I still struggle with wanting to take care of my wife and give her the type of life that she deserves. Have always been very active until the last few years. I hope to post some of these verses tomorrow or the next day. I have three email accounts and that email was one on my other PC. I thought it would show up on one of the accounts I have on this PC that I will have to wait. Waiting is now a middle name.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Attitude – sometimes not very good.
A fair number of people have I was an inspiration to them. I thought it would be good for you know the whole story. It is fine if I inspire you and I do not send out for that. Sometimes I feel like a fraud and want to expose myself. If I given the impression am upbeat and optimistic I need July you know that time is passed. I no longer feel very optimistic and struggle with this disease worse than ever. I realize the only way out of this is to "check out". There was a time when I had a couple of situations that I almost suffocated. I was able to free myself and we got a addition in my chair so that was no longer a danger. Now I look back on that time and think "I missed my chance". If I know now off all this disease is going to be once I lost the use of my right arm and hand I think I would've laid the situation differently. Sometimes now I feel like up for for having an optimistic outlook. Now I'm no longer able to d will have everything o myself any harm so something did happen to me it would truly be an accident.
I no longer hope for a good outcome from my infusions. I think if they work will be too little too late. I find I curse more than I used to and am harsh with my wife more than I should. If I had known how much work accepting the one-year-old chocolate lab was going to be for I don't think we would have accepted it. I am full-time job for her and she works a full-time job. Adding that dog has been way more for her than we expected. Sadly I can do nothing to help. Around Memorial Day really starting to miss my hobbies. I read a lot and have the Bible read to me on my PC. I listen to the sermons online from our church. I watch videos on Amazon. This used to seem like enough to keep me busy but no longer. I think it is because I'm getting tired of reading. There were some shows on TV I used to look forward to but I don't feel that way anymore. I still trust my God but I really don't understand why my wife and I and our children (mostly Matt) are burdened with this. I long for release to call home to be with the Lord but that prayer is not answered. I become much more of our Debbie downer this year than ever before.
Another issue I have is that I'm totally dependent on my chair and have become dependent on the ceilingt lift. Last night the ceiling left would not work. My wife tried the old school way of throwing me from the chair into the bad. Her heart problems she is been having lately troubled me greatly. I had it up on the floor with a buddy arm. Our son had to come over and help me up. It is very frustrating being dependent on machines, PCs and iPhones. The biggest thing that annoys me is a software on my PC. My voice software is fairly flaky now and my smile mouse frustrated me to know and. Is very difficult to make the cursor click on the edges and often when I smiled to click the cursor jobs and they click something else. This is what I usually curse. Siri is also the creatively wrong dictating text.. Many times it seemed to go out of its way to put the wrong word in when what I said should not be able to be misunderstood. I think the Apple technicians who wrote the software laugh you about frustrated users are. I really wish I had something to be optimistic about I would have to say can't find much.
Well I did not want to leave you with the impression that I am always sunshiny and napping. This weekend had some good things but had its share of things that took way from that. There is nothing anyone can do to get my wife out of this predicament we appreciate your prayers and concern.
I no longer hope for a good outcome from my infusions. I think if they work will be too little too late. I find I curse more than I used to and am harsh with my wife more than I should. If I had known how much work accepting the one-year-old chocolate lab was going to be for I don't think we would have accepted it. I am full-time job for her and she works a full-time job. Adding that dog has been way more for her than we expected. Sadly I can do nothing to help. Around Memorial Day really starting to miss my hobbies. I read a lot and have the Bible read to me on my PC. I listen to the sermons online from our church. I watch videos on Amazon. This used to seem like enough to keep me busy but no longer. I think it is because I'm getting tired of reading. There were some shows on TV I used to look forward to but I don't feel that way anymore. I still trust my God but I really don't understand why my wife and I and our children (mostly Matt) are burdened with this. I long for release to call home to be with the Lord but that prayer is not answered. I become much more of our Debbie downer this year than ever before.
Another issue I have is that I'm totally dependent on my chair and have become dependent on the ceilingt lift. Last night the ceiling left would not work. My wife tried the old school way of throwing me from the chair into the bad. Her heart problems she is been having lately troubled me greatly. I had it up on the floor with a buddy arm. Our son had to come over and help me up. It is very frustrating being dependent on machines, PCs and iPhones. The biggest thing that annoys me is a software on my PC. My voice software is fairly flaky now and my smile mouse frustrated me to know and. Is very difficult to make the cursor click on the edges and often when I smiled to click the cursor jobs and they click something else. This is what I usually curse. Siri is also the creatively wrong dictating text.. Many times it seemed to go out of its way to put the wrong word in when what I said should not be able to be misunderstood. I think the Apple technicians who wrote the software laugh you about frustrated users are. I really wish I had something to be optimistic about I would have to say can't find much.
Well I did not want to leave you with the impression that I am always sunshiny and napping. This weekend had some good things but had its share of things that took way from that. There is nothing anyone can do to get my wife out of this predicament we appreciate your prayers and concern.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Two dogs and two cats.
Hopefully I can have a couple short animal stories. That night was shower night and as I went into the bathroom and noticed both cats were on the window ledge. Slim is very long and athletic reminds me of a panther the way he walks. He was in the window taking up most of the open part. Lacy had her head poking behind slim so she can see out. Told my wife that looked like a wrestling match was coming. When I came out of the shower the cats were up on their back legs with their front legs wrapped around the other one. They sort of wrestled like sumo wrestlers. We have seen them like this before and the one that wins is the one that throws the other one. But it's surprising how often lacy wins even though she weighs about 3 pounds less. I tell my wife she is meaner. That night they ended up selling it without a battle. It is entertaining having two cats. We see lacy out a lot but slim is is very independent and some days we rarely see him.
We also have two dogs because we got a one-year-old chocolate lab because we thought we would miss having a dog when Tom took his dog to Alaska in early July. Sometimes it is annoying having two of them but sometimes very entertaining. One entertaining thing when people come to visit or my wife gets home from wherever. Atlas does one thing Jordan does another. Jordan go to the window to see if there's really someone there. When someone is there she starts whining because she can't wait to see them. Atlas runs into the entry room barking like a nut ball. After Jordan whines she runs into the other room with the doors. About that time Jordan runs to the door and Atlas back into the living room. They do this sometimes up to six times. It's like watching a canine version of the Three Stooges or the Keystone cops. It wasn't for the barking it would be. Hilarious.
We also have two dogs because we got a one-year-old chocolate lab because we thought we would miss having a dog when Tom took his dog to Alaska in early July. Sometimes it is annoying having two of them but sometimes very entertaining. One entertaining thing when people come to visit or my wife gets home from wherever. Atlas does one thing Jordan does another. Jordan go to the window to see if there's really someone there. When someone is there she starts whining because she can't wait to see them. Atlas runs into the entry room barking like a nut ball. After Jordan whines she runs into the other room with the doors. About that time Jordan runs to the door and Atlas back into the living room. They do this sometimes up to six times. It's like watching a canine version of the Three Stooges or the Keystone cops. It wasn't for the barking it would be. Hilarious.
Monday, June 4, 2018
Attitudes
I thoughtabout posting animal stories I guess I feel more serious today. When I became an MS quadriplegic lost the use of my right entirely I would have to say my attitude changed dramatically. Up until that I lost something I just found a way to accept it. I lost use of my right hand over six months ago I would say I have not accepted it yet. There was a short time when I could still use my right hand to adjust the tilt function and recline function. This made it so that I got some variation in how I fit in my chair. Now I can't and I realize how important that was. I could also pull my coffee cup I could get the straw for my coffee cup into my mouth. Now that's gone. Sometimes I try really hard to move my hand but it is pretty much dead. I started thinking about my attitude and I realize that many people with the same set of attitudes but maybe in different quantities.
The first one I will talk about is that sometimes I actively would like to actively stop my life. Of course being a quadriplegic does not allow me to do this. It is usually at the end of the day and feel this way. I could have done this a few years ago but I chose not to. I thought of the pain I would leave behind that trusted God somehow make this bearable. I love my wife terribly and want to spend every opportunity with her. My sons also. Mostly I feel this way at the end of the day when I can hardly stand to be in my chair. He used to spend 11 to 12 hours in it and now without much time means I am very uncomfortable. I also had trigeminal pain and came back. I recently underwent a radiology treatment and so far it appears to be working. I also want to mention my friends and wonderful sister in laws. Looking forward to seeing them also is a factor that keeps me keeping on. I also have low times where I don't trust the Lord and these are the hardest times to bear. I tend to be a big baby and feel very sorry for myself. He has promised to take care of me and I really don't know how we can but I am sure he will. Had a terrible scare a few weeks ago. My wife had heart problems. She was in four nights the hospital. It turns out she had water building up water building up around her are. This made it work much harder. She is now on some medications and she thinks this problem is back 10 years. Fortunately she had the right set of doctors who diagnosed her. I don't know what I would do without her. It's not like it anyway I can replace her as my caregiver. We have been together since 1975. As Yoda would say lost I would be without her exhibition point.
Another attitude I would have is that I wish Lord would just take me home. I've been a Christian for very long time and I know where I would be, I will be with the Lord. This is divided into two attitudes. While I actively pray and wish we just take me home. He was free me from the body I am stuck with and also the burden I am to others. There is another attitude like this where I just would appreciate going home. So one way I am actively begging for and the other I am just ready for it.
Another set of attitudes is that I am glad to be alive the day when I wake up. This divided in two categories. One where is just okay that I wake up and that whatever happens happens. Like the Doris Day show I grew up with. What will be will be.
There are the days where rejoice in being alive. Actively look forward to praising Jesus. So as an MS quadriplegic I would say that I alternate between these five attitudes. As part of the roller coaster I am on emotionally. The other day while thinking about this I realize that everyone probably goes through these. Other people probably have different amounts of each but that everyone struggles. It is part of our life here. I think everyone suffers and struggles. I just struggle with different things that other people do.
Well that is all I have on the subjects and I appreciate people who pray for me and spend time with. My brother-in-law's has been coming over each week and I really look forward to time with him. I've also enjoyed for many years the company of my wife's sisters. They are very fun to tease and my disease has cut back on that but not entirely. Thank God for my support system especially my wife.
The first one I will talk about is that sometimes I actively would like to actively stop my life. Of course being a quadriplegic does not allow me to do this. It is usually at the end of the day and feel this way. I could have done this a few years ago but I chose not to. I thought of the pain I would leave behind that trusted God somehow make this bearable. I love my wife terribly and want to spend every opportunity with her. My sons also. Mostly I feel this way at the end of the day when I can hardly stand to be in my chair. He used to spend 11 to 12 hours in it and now without much time means I am very uncomfortable. I also had trigeminal pain and came back. I recently underwent a radiology treatment and so far it appears to be working. I also want to mention my friends and wonderful sister in laws. Looking forward to seeing them also is a factor that keeps me keeping on. I also have low times where I don't trust the Lord and these are the hardest times to bear. I tend to be a big baby and feel very sorry for myself. He has promised to take care of me and I really don't know how we can but I am sure he will. Had a terrible scare a few weeks ago. My wife had heart problems. She was in four nights the hospital. It turns out she had water building up water building up around her are. This made it work much harder. She is now on some medications and she thinks this problem is back 10 years. Fortunately she had the right set of doctors who diagnosed her. I don't know what I would do without her. It's not like it anyway I can replace her as my caregiver. We have been together since 1975. As Yoda would say lost I would be without her exhibition point.
Another attitude I would have is that I wish Lord would just take me home. I've been a Christian for very long time and I know where I would be, I will be with the Lord. This is divided into two attitudes. While I actively pray and wish we just take me home. He was free me from the body I am stuck with and also the burden I am to others. There is another attitude like this where I just would appreciate going home. So one way I am actively begging for and the other I am just ready for it.
Another set of attitudes is that I am glad to be alive the day when I wake up. This divided in two categories. One where is just okay that I wake up and that whatever happens happens. Like the Doris Day show I grew up with. What will be will be.
There are the days where rejoice in being alive. Actively look forward to praising Jesus. So as an MS quadriplegic I would say that I alternate between these five attitudes. As part of the roller coaster I am on emotionally. The other day while thinking about this I realize that everyone probably goes through these. Other people probably have different amounts of each but that everyone struggles. It is part of our life here. I think everyone suffers and struggles. I just struggle with different things that other people do.
Well that is all I have on the subjects and I appreciate people who pray for me and spend time with. My brother-in-law's has been coming over each week and I really look forward to time with him. I've also enjoyed for many years the company of my wife's sisters. They are very fun to tease and my disease has cut back on that but not entirely. Thank God for my support system especially my wife.
Friday, June 1, 2018
Crisis of faith
I have often mentioned my faith on this blog. I probably should talk about it again. While I couldn't post for a while because I couldn't talk is of my trigeminal pain in a couldn't see very well because of the high dose of pain medication for my trigeminal. It is nonnarcotic pain medication but is supposed to work on my trigeminal. All it did was take the pain from being off the charts to being on the chart I get nine or 10 when I chewed, swallowed or talked. I tried going off let and that is how I know what it did for me. Now I fed my radiology procedure I have dropped from 10 pills to age. My vision improved and I had a little pain come back but he gets better each day. The trigeminal procedure may take months to fully work. I can't wait to get off this medication is messing up my vision today. Not as bad as before but I'm having trouble reading things on my PC. Some apps I can change the text size and some I can't. I hope this post is understandable. I'm trusting my voice software but this is still a little wacky what it thinks I said. Sometimes it will put a word in correctly and does not call then two minutes later no amount of talking will put that same word in. I can use of virtual keyboard but the one I can read is huge and covers up what I want to write. I can make it smaller but that is too small to read. There is no in between which would be the best. I just have to learn to live with what I have. I have told people that if I could I would pounding on the walls or throw things. Then I realize if I could do that it wouldn't be using this software.
Back to my crisis of faith. A while back I got really down about the effects of this disease and the pain from trigeminal. I still have to say I do not understand the why of this even though I doubted the Lord because of my disease I was held on to the fact that I know that God is good, that he loves me and he wants the best for me. Sometimes this made me mad because you don't understand how being dependent on my wife and others is best for me. But even through these times I remembered the cross and now that proves God's love for me. Well I'm running out of energy so I will sign off for now. Never forget that God loves you and that is proven out by the cross of Christ.
Back to my crisis of faith. A while back I got really down about the effects of this disease and the pain from trigeminal. I still have to say I do not understand the why of this even though I doubted the Lord because of my disease I was held on to the fact that I know that God is good, that he loves me and he wants the best for me. Sometimes this made me mad because you don't understand how being dependent on my wife and others is best for me. But even through these times I remembered the cross and now that proves God's love for me. Well I'm running out of energy so I will sign off for now. Never forget that God loves you and that is proven out by the cross of Christ.
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