A fair number of people have I was an inspiration to them. I thought it would be good for you know the whole story. It is fine if I inspire you and I do not send out for that. Sometimes I feel like a fraud and want to expose myself. If I given the impression am upbeat and optimistic I need July you know that time is passed. I no longer feel very optimistic and struggle with this disease worse than ever. I realize the only way out of this is to "check out". There was a time when I had a couple of situations that I almost suffocated. I was able to free myself and we got a addition in my chair so that was no longer a danger. Now I look back on that time and think "I missed my chance". If I know now off all this disease is going to be once I lost the use of my right arm and hand I think I would've laid the situation differently. Sometimes now I feel like up for for having an optimistic outlook. Now I'm no longer able to d will have everything o myself any harm so something did happen to me it would truly be an accident.
I no longer hope for a good outcome from my infusions. I think if they work will be too little too late. I find I curse more than I used to and am harsh with my wife more than I should. If I had known how much work accepting the one-year-old chocolate lab was going to be for I don't think we would have accepted it. I am full-time job for her and she works a full-time job. Adding that dog has been way more for her than we expected. Sadly I can do nothing to help. Around Memorial Day really starting to miss my hobbies. I read a lot and have the Bible read to me on my PC. I listen to the sermons online from our church. I watch videos on Amazon. This used to seem like enough to keep me busy but no longer. I think it is because I'm getting tired of reading. There were some shows on TV I used to look forward to but I don't feel that way anymore. I still trust my God but I really don't understand why my wife and I and our children (mostly Matt) are burdened with this. I long for release to call home to be with the Lord but that prayer is not answered. I become much more of our Debbie downer this year than ever before.
Another issue I have is that I'm totally dependent on my chair and have become dependent on the ceilingt lift. Last night the ceiling left would not work. My wife tried the old school way of throwing me from the chair into the bad. Her heart problems she is been having lately troubled me greatly. I had it up on the floor with a buddy arm. Our son had to come over and help me up. It is very frustrating being dependent on machines, PCs and iPhones. The biggest thing that annoys me is a software on my PC. My voice software is fairly flaky now and my smile mouse frustrated me to know and. Is very difficult to make the cursor click on the edges and often when I smiled to click the cursor jobs and they click something else. This is what I usually curse. Siri is also the creatively wrong dictating text.. Many times it seemed to go out of its way to put the wrong word in when what I said should not be able to be misunderstood. I think the Apple technicians who wrote the software laugh you about frustrated users are. I really wish I had something to be optimistic about I would have to say can't find much.
Well I did not want to leave you with the impression that I am always sunshiny and napping. This weekend had some good things but had its share of things that took way from that. There is nothing anyone can do to get my wife out of this predicament we appreciate your prayers and concern.
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