Attitudes

I thoughtabout posting animal stories I guess I feel more serious today. When I became an MS quadriplegic lost the use of my right entirely I would have to say my attitude changed dramatically. Up until that I lost something I just found a way to accept it. I lost use of my right hand over six months ago I would say I have not accepted it yet. There was a short time when I could still use my right hand to adjust the tilt function and recline function. This made it so that I got some variation in how I fit in my chair. Now I can't and I realize how important that was. I could also pull my coffee cup I could get the straw for my coffee cup into my mouth. Now that's gone. Sometimes I try really hard to move my hand but it is pretty much dead. I started thinking about my attitude and I realize that many people with the same set of attitudes but maybe in different quantities.
The first one I will talk about is that sometimes I actively would like to actively stop my life. Of course being a quadriplegic does not allow me to do this. It is usually at the end of the day and feel this way. I could have done this a few years ago but I chose not to. I thought of the pain I would leave behind that trusted God somehow make this bearable. I love my wife terribly and want to spend every opportunity with her. My sons also. Mostly I feel this way at the end of the day when I can hardly stand to be in my chair. He used to spend 11 to 12 hours in it and now without much time means I am very uncomfortable. I also had trigeminal pain and came back. I recently underwent a radiology treatment and so far it appears to be working. I also want to mention my friends and wonderful sister in laws. Looking forward to seeing them also is a factor that keeps me keeping on. I also have low times where I don't trust the Lord and these are the hardest times to bear. I tend to be a big baby and feel very sorry for myself. He has promised to take care of me and I really don't know how we can but I am sure he will. Had a terrible scare a few weeks ago. My wife had heart problems. She was in four nights the hospital. It turns out she had water building up water building up around her are. This made it work much harder. She is now on some medications and she thinks this problem is back 10 years. Fortunately she had the right set of doctors who diagnosed her. I don't know what I would do without her. It's not like it anyway I can replace her as my caregiver. We have been together since 1975. As Yoda would say lost I would be without her exhibition point.
Another attitude I would have is that I wish Lord would just take me home. I've been a Christian for very long time and I know where I would be, I will be with the Lord. This is divided into two attitudes. While I actively pray and wish we just take me home. He was free me from the body I am stuck with and also the burden I am to others. There is another attitude like this where I just would appreciate going home. So one way I am actively begging for and the other I am just ready for it.
Another set of attitudes is that I am glad to be alive the day when I wake up. This divided in two categories. One where is just okay that I wake up and that whatever happens happens. Like the Doris Day show I grew up with. What will be will be.
There are the days where rejoice in being alive. Actively look forward to praising Jesus. So as an MS quadriplegic I would say that I alternate between these five attitudes. As part of the roller coaster I am on emotionally. The other day while thinking about this I realize that everyone probably goes through these. Other people probably have different amounts of each but that everyone struggles. It is part of our life here. I think everyone suffers and struggles. I just struggle with different things that other people do.
Well that is all I have on the subjects and I appreciate people who pray for me and spend time with. My brother-in-law's has been coming over each week and I really look forward to time with him. I've also enjoyed for many years the company of my wife's sisters. They are very fun to tease and my disease has cut back on that but not entirely. Thank God for my support system especially my wife.