Animal games – hope you get read this

I have animal stories today to give you a change from my health stories. Sometimes Jordan is very attached to me, like during thunderstorms. One morning she stayed in with the when my wife went to work. She kept her head on my leg all morning. Today there were thunderstorms but no Jordan. She is not very consistent. She's my wife's dog and I just fell in the empty spots.
Also the time she seems to have an agreement with the cats. Lacey, the female, will creep up on the dog and she is untouchable and she is on it that dog is. If she thinks there is time she runs and jumps on the cat bed. Her agreement with the dog is that she is untouchable when she is on the cat bed. Somehow yet the agreement that she is untouchable. I'm not sure how they came to that agreement but it is. I find it funny. One day we had the windows open and Lacey a the female cat, Slim and Jordan have a different arrangement. Some days the cat just walks by Jordan and neither of them pay any attention to the other. Some days before the games were Jordan chased the cat. The cats seem to tease Jordan and he plays games around the kitchen island. He tricks a dog into going the wrong way and and he sprints down the hall to the safe room. Other days Jordan just has too much puppy and just chases the cats. Cats always find a way to be safe. I'm want to sign off now because my voice software makes a lot of mistakes. I hope you can figure them out. Hopefully my eyesight will get better as I drop off the pain medication. Jordan and [a cat] were looking out the same window together.

Problems with Jordan

I mentioned earlier that Jordan infuriated me last week on two occasions. I found it pretty disappointing because I want to bond with her and get her to Mike me. She has this habit of going to a footstool at 5 PM and days of my wife has things to do or goes to the gym. She starts barking for her at 5 PM. Her barks and with a yipping howl. He keeps this up until my wife gets home. Tuesday did this for over 50 minutes. Nothing I can say would stop her. She would just look back at me with a look that it sort of said screw you. I can't raise my voice anymore but I tried to get her attention to stop and was not successful. I seem to be able to to deal with it for a half hour and then it starts to get annoying.
We went to outdoor music about 15 minutes away on Friday. Used to be able to takeAtlas anywhere in the was so mild be made friends everywhere. Friday we tried to take Jordan out. It was a disaster. At one point she pulled so hard on the lease she toppled my wife over. She pushed through my mother-in-law's cooler and ended up cutting her leg. Started barking at another dog and she sounded terribly mean. My wife took her home. It seems we can take her anywhere except the dog park. I was so disappointed in her. I enjoy having her around and want to be able to take her with us but she's not going to do that and may never be. This week my wife put a bark collar on her and she goes to work. And a loud noise or barking gives a warning beep. That allows her to barks before it gives her a shot. This has quieted her during the day. The first day, Monday when she tried to bark for my wife and gave her a little shock. She pouted until my wife got home. Now she is much more domicile my wife is gone. My wife gave her bottom month to try to get her to listen to me but no luck without the collar. I enjoy your company a lot when I'm here and my wife is at work. Maybe she will copped out as she gets older. I so hope some day to get to take her with us but that may never work out.. Give me so sweet and we hope to have her share that if we go to outdoor music. Can always hope!

When the difference a day makes

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday trigeminal pain came back with a vengeance. Later in the day my bottom was very uncomfortable in my chair. That evening I found out that due to distraction my trigeminal medication did not make it into my pillowcase's. I pretty much went cold turkey for a day. Now I'm back on it and the pain went away. I went to high doses is up my vision is pretty screwing. Am doing is post by memory and open it turned out okay. I will be back on the normal dosage today. I have been wanting to go cold turkey because I am tired of medication. I used to pride myself until I was 50 that I was on almost no medication except for Tylenol.. Now I have this huge list. The doctor reported no everything from vitamins to probiotics. It's kind of silly. On Sunday evenings my wife fills my pillowcases. I don't know how she juggles everything. Just keeps getting more more things added. My son helped some. I which I could get her some consistent helped but can't think of anything. Loud people offer five file that volunteer help is not very consistent.
Last night I had a total meltdown mostly from trigeminal pain. It was in a spot heart every time I swallowed. I couldn't eat or drink without terrible pain. Turned me into a blubbering idiot. I don't know out she deals with it. I would be up a creek without a paddle without her. She keeps plugging away. I better sign off now I really can't see what I'm doing.

Last week – synopsis

Last week was up and down like almost all of them are. I have varying days of acceptance of my paralysis. Lately it seems like I vision problems very from day to day and I still have not decided there from the trigeminal prescription or from the MS. I'm still on the trigeminal medication without significantly. Last week I vision was spot on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I couldn't focus both eyes on the same thing and my vision was bouncing. Usually gets better as the day goes on my last week on Monday and Thursday I did not. Friday it was somewhere in between.
Some part of me thinks last week is not so bad the other part of me struggles against the whole MS situation. Most weekends seem to be especially difficult because that for my wife and I feel the biggest changes in our lives. Sunday is especially difficult day for me. As I cannot get up because required sleep I missed church on Sundays. A few years ago I could drive myself but now I require someone else to get up early and make me get up, get me dressed and go with me. I do not have this done for me because I'm afraid I will fall asleep in the service. I'm 99% sure I would and I would feel like it was too much effort. I listen to every sermon on my PC. I usually fall sleep during the playback and I pick up the next day for I left off. This would seem extremely rude if I did it in person but it works for me. When I get caught up I listened to legacy sermons. Since my memory is not so good I can read listen to them and that is what I'm doing because I listened to all of them.
Itching has also gotten very bad and I have to wake my wife some nights the dozen times. We have tried a number of different lotions and cortisone lotions but it always comes back. I take Benadryl and that helps somewhat that sometimes he itching is on the inside of my skin I cut my arm and it won't go away. It tends to make me somewhat insane and I think a great torture method would be to cover someone with itching powder and bind there arms. I want so bad to scratch stop myself but my arms and fingers just won't do it anymore. I used to be able to sort of moved my torso back and forth and get some relief when in bed. My body no longer responds. Now my left arm and started itching from my elbow to my knuckles. Just my left arm. I tried not to think of the why because there isn't one. MS is a cruel taskmaster. I used to be able to find a workaround but no more. It has got me and devastated me. My moods at best are just a difference in my attitude is "yeah whatever". So when I talk about mood swings because of that to which the guy was not in this body anymore. I know that bothers my caregivers especially when I express this desire and wish someone would help me. It is illegal in the state of Iowa. I usually wake up feeling okay, not great but okay. By the end of the day is when it kicks in. So the moods drop as the day progresses. Used to be I look forward to getting out of bed and at the end of the day look forward to going to bed thinking out of the chair. Now I no longer look forward to any of them and would take it by the third option but I can't.
I tried to think that last week was not so bad since I had no major issues were am just tired and tired of being tired of this disease and the symptoms that seem especially severe compared to anyone else I know that has it also. One day the dog last week infuriated me and Friday we tried to take her out to outdoor music in the park and had bad results. Perhaps I will post about them later in the week. This post seems especially wordy and says so little. Maybe I have a career that I'm missing where I write garbage it is "click bait". So little of what I read is supposed to be news is much more than the headline. The article seems to add very little to what the headline said. I hope real good week dear reader and God bless you.

Fears

Our air-conditioning quit working Saturday night. I slept terribly and Kept over heating not realizing it had quit. It's been pretty hot, in the 90s. One of my worst fears with MS came true. I dreaded going to bed thinking that I would be miserable all night like it was Saturday night.
I was so wrong. We had the windows open all night and the ceiling fan on high. Actually had the best night of sleep in weeks. I guess I learned something about fears. They're worse in your mind then they are when they happen. My biggest fear is being trapped in bed unable to get out by myself and need to get up for turnover on my side. I can only lay on my back that I'm totally dependent on other people get out of that position.
I have been afraid of pressure sores as long as I have been trapped in the bed or in the chair, unable to get out of either. I thought that spending about half a day in each would prevent them. Now I have one on my bottom. To go through getting it looked at will be so involved I'm not sure how to approach it. So far a time I need to get out of the chair for medical field they act like they have never seen someone in a wheelchair. My wife has to get off of work take me. It usually means more than one provider and appointments. They make a better seat but to get one I have to go through medical hoops to prove to insurance I need one. When I was working I would often just purchased what I need on my own. This saves dealing with the medical dance and insurance. Now that I'm now working I am stuck. Now I just do a my wife tells me and depend on her entirely. I don't know how she juggles work and taking care of me. God bless her.

Jordyn update – sweetheart or stinker

When Atlas was still here he and Jordan would never do come see me while my wife was at work for she got me up. He left back in July and Jordan has never slept alongside of me. I think she always wanted to be ready for when my wife came home. She is totally my wife dog and cannot wait for to get home. So I had given up having company and those hours I am asleep. For whatever reason this week Jordan laptop next me and even slept alongside of me laying on my leg. I was very surprised. This was Wednesday. Thursday, no sign of her. Then Friday she joined me for the whole time. It's nice to have a little bit of company. Then when my wife tried to get me out of bed she is in her way the whole time. Once she even lay between my Calves and ankles. She wouldn't leave your wife had to push her off of me. I hope this becomes a regular thing. Even though I am asleep most of the time is nice to have her I attached to me and I can tell you that I'm asleep. She can be really really sweet. I was kind of annoyed with her last night because she stole the sum of my Cheetos. I share some things from my dinner with her but not those. I can get away with it because I am disabled.

Update health

There are couple of updates. For some reason the phlegm decreased yesterday so I was able to sleep better. It does not go away entirely but decreases enough so that I can breathe over the top of it with my breather on and sleep better. I got three hours of solid sleep before I woke up in the middle of the night and read it until my wife got up for work. She gives me my morning pills and the one for neuralgia makes me sleepy and I slept solid until around the time she came to get me up. That I was a total of six hours which is a lot better than the four hours of interrupted sleep I had had last few nights. Today I'm not so grumpy. That's one update. Usually on Saturdays and Sundays I'm allowed to sleep at least till 11 and sometimes in the afternoon. I guess I catch up. That is one improvement.
The other is in the medication I take for the trigeminal pain in my jaw and mouth. I can tell the radiology treatment is advancing because the numbness is apparent around my face. So when I feel it in advance I tried dropping one of the pills for the pain. In the past I've gotten to inpatient and dropped it too fast so the pain came back. This week I dropped it down to four pills. I used to take 10 pills and all it did was dull the pain. I want to get off this medication because it affected by eyesight and also my neurologist was worried that it affected by electrolyte balance. The drug is called Tegretol and I take the generic called carbamazepine. Now I am down to four pills a day. Some days my eyesight is better in some days it is still out of whack. In a week or so I will drop down to three pills. I guess that's all for now of course I hope to keep posting. Pictures are not so easy anymore because I cannot take them is my hands do not work. My individual fingers do not work either which came as a surprise to me. Take care dear reader.

Three nights of lousy sleep

I have had my third day of dealing with terrible sleep the night before. This has never happened before. I can barely keep my eyes open but don't want to take too long a nap today I know it'll be another bad night. I keep coughing and coughing and coughing. I have had mixed results with decongestants. Two doctors have told me that they work by making the phlegm thicker and therefore with less volume. Since I have a weak diaphragm because of MS this works against me. My wife helped me increase the angle of my sleeping and that helped be able to get some out but there seems to be a never ending supply of it. The pulmonologist just shrugged his shoulders and said it's MS related, oh well. My breathing machine makes it more difficult to cough because I have to synchronize it with my coughing. Pulmonologist was very difficult to understand due to language barrier. He asked me if I had a DNR and I said yes. They said so you probably wouldn't want to be on a ventilator? I said that's correct and just babbled something and shrugged. To be honest yet the manners of a goat.
Some finding out that while MS produces certain physical disabilities also creates a secondary affects. So far my primary care physician has been the only real help. Even then there's not much they can be done. I don't think they make a tool to suck out your lungs. Probably because it would be difficult to put it in and the lungs are too delicate inside. I feel bad for my wife because I probably keep her up and she has to get up to work. I just wanted to keep my blog honest some not looking for sympathy. Yesterday one of my sister-in-law's came over to visit. I think I was pretty grumpy and feel bad for her. She needs to learn from Jordan our dog to just ignore me. LOL

Finally Jordan pictures

I finally have some pictures. Good golly Miss Molly PCs and other things are really hard to deal with anymore. For some reason my voice software getting stuck. I have had to restart my computer twice today. My wife took photos of Jordan with my phone. There's supposed to automatically go to my cloud but I couldn't see them yesterday partly because my eyesight is so wacky. Had to have her email them to me.
Jordan is getting more affectionate. I think a few weeks ago she realize I was alive not just a mannequin. These photos are her laying upside down between us. She really likes to lick things as you can see from one of the photos. One night she had her head upside down and went to sleep on my shoulder. And she got up and laid across one leg and went to sleep again. She may like sleeping against me because I don't move. When it is storming she likes to cuddle a little bit with me. Thunder seems to make her anxious. So basically she is either very very sweet or a little stinker. I think the older she gets the sweeter she will get. She still chases the cats and does not let Lacey sleep on the bed. Maybe eventually she will.

Update

Well look in my post the other day I am sorry that brought up that I wanted to hurt myself. That is not true even if I could I would not. Part of the problem is how MS works. It's not like a normal disease it is way with you and then has an conclusion. This disease is way with you and then leaves you wondering what's next. I was just blowing off steam like my friend with MS DOS. It's unlike any disease I could have imagined before I had. It takes you to a place and you think you adapt and then you find out there's more coming. Also other problems confuse us as to whether they are MS related or not. One of my MS friends as tailbone pain, severe. I have the trigeminal pain and I still wonder if this MS related.
So please don't worry about me my family has be well in control. I think this disease produces emotional states they cannot be understood unless you have MS. I didn't but now I do used to think so but now I do. As soon as you accept and adapt you find out something new is added. Produces a undescribable weariness. Like Monday used all of my time dictate to my computer. That I have problems so I save the file. Later when I went to open it I could not find. Guess Windows 10 as file management different. There is a list of recent files but for some reason it was not in their. By eyesight is poor enough they could not read anything in Windows. Like this app I can make the text am dictating large can make out most of it but the standard I can't in the menu are small. Some of them I have memorized and can find them after a while guessing where the cursor is. I wanted to post photos of our dog Jordan being sweet but they could not find the correct icon. Hope to find it next week. I don't usually post on the weekends because I can't find the time were totally silent. Take care dear reader and don't worry about me.

Not a very good week except for one of my sister in laws special treat

I promised a post about pets but I've had such a rough week I haven't been able to. Monday I had a fairly long post and when I was almost done my voice software went all wacky and ruined it. I was busy Tuesday one of my lovely sister-in-law's came over and me breakfast of a very nice cinnamon roll. Tuesday and today I eyesight has been so weird I have been able to do much. I tried closing my eyes for a while this morning and ended up falling asleep. It's a lot better now but still difficult the focus both eyes on the same thing. It makes it hard to read. Today I am very worn down and very tired of having MS and being a quadriplegic. Am tired inside it out.
I keep reading about people who are fighters and fight MS call themselves warriors. Good for them the MS is kicked my butt. I just want to go home with Jesus. I hope to have pet stories my next post. None of the three animals we have are very affectionate toward me. I thought Lacey the cat was going to be but Jordan chased her off the bed and she's never been back. Jordan is is 100% my wife's dog. I still have hope that over time one of them will grow to like mordan can be very sweet and has shown me affection a couple of times but nothing consistent.
Well I will sign off for now apologize that this is not a pets story. As my MS has progressed have more isolated. I knew what I quit driving could not get out on my own that this d due to probably happen over time. I really miss going to the coffee shop a attitude that nd trading factor with my coffee friends. Missed my work friends to but after four years it's hard to keep track. I wish I had a good attitude but is gone and I don't think I'm willing get back am not a warrior, a fighter against MS or a inspiration. If I could find a way to go home I would probably take it. Oh well I am in other people's hands now.
. I am not a warrior. I'm not a warrior I am not a warrior