More of yesterday

Yesterday I posted some of my thoughts that included death. Since I have a increasingly progressing disease that has no cure for treatments I have realized that I have 3 to 4 ways for this to end. One way is by death. My wife says I have too much time on my hands to think about things and I would agree. My ability to and my life by suicide or tragic accident. The doctors have told me that my type of MS makes me a candidate to have my breathing become problematic and lead directly to my death. Of course this is very rare and what again I am very special. Since it is so uncommon and no one is able to predict what that will be. Months may be, years probably. I have a DNR in place because I do not want to be on a ventilator. I'm on a BiPAP machine help to breathe at night for comfort. Most people that are quadriplegics come to either pneumonia or an infection of some sort. I realize my breathing leaves me open to pneumonia and the sores I have that do not seem to heal leave be open to infection. I mentioned these because one of the values that I have picked up over the years is the idea of a "good death". I have always hoped I would have a good death but is not looking very likely. My idea of a good death is one that comes fairly quickly, causes minimum fuss or burden on others and is possibly at the end of a life well spent. I became a Christian when I was 25 and am now realizing that scriptures do not support this ideal. But I don't pray for much and I know many people pray for me. I pray that I would pass away soon and avoid societies rigidity in the area of physician Assistantance. It seems as if society requires that we go bankrupt before this is over. If I could check out on my own I would.
The following are not really things that I think will happen but sometimes what time on my hands I do daydream about them. I'm not sure if this is where I got the idea but the Gillian Flynn book "dark places" had a person in it that went around during the farm crisis to farmers were in danger of losing everything and mercy killed/murdered them. He found these people by word-of-mouth and prevented them from committing suicide. The book was about an odd situation where there was a fire the same night in one of the houses where you was doing his thing. I don't remember everything but they confuse everything for decades until that was caught and confessed to all the killings. So sometimes I think about someone that sneaks into our house when I'm here in bed by myself and help me along to the next world where I will be with Jesus. It is illegal for someone to assist me and I believe it is treated as murder. I would not want anyone I knew for a stranger to be accused of this last alone do prison time. These are things that forensically it would not be very hard to make it looks non-suspicious but I realize now that what I know of that subject is come entirely from TV and is probably not very realistic.
Now I look at what I fear will be a long lingering awful death. It breaks my heart to think that I loved ones will be drugs to this tragedy. Probably my biggest fear will come true that my family will be made destitute.
Leads into my next concept of merciful death provided by my Savior in honor of my prayers. I never prayed for my recovery from this disease and that will be part of my next post. So hopefully this last post I have on my fantasy departure. Next three will be actual realistic ways that I will get out of this disease of body. Again thank you for reading my blog and in the future after I exhaust the subject will try to retain simple posts about our animals, light health updates and maybe some Bible meditations.