Christmas

Had a nice Christmas. We went to one of my wife's sister's house for Christmas Eve. Almost everyone was there and one of my great nephews made sure my beer didn't get warm before I could drink it. I find when I drink dark beers I don't drink very much because they make me so full plus there were lots of good eats. I got lots of hugs and my nieces are very affectionate toward me and make me feel so welcome. So do my sister-in-law's but they tend to be kind of busy.
Christmas day we had about half of the group that was there for Christmas Eve. It is become our custom that we provide prime rib with a herb rub   seared onto it. it makes the roast taste a little bit like pastrami. A lot of good food, good desserts and cookies. Fortunately I didn't eat way too much. Later on one of my nieces, her fiancé and their daughter came over with their little dog Josie. It was great seeing them and the little daughter is so cute. We found out last time they were here that their daughter could crawl through the cat door in the gate we use to keep Atlas out of the cat room. When he goes back there eats all their food otherwise we wouldn't care.
That evening I have to say I ended up feeling a little bit bummed. To be totally transparent I have to say I am being ground down by my MS symptoms and wish I could do more to help out and be able to talk and greet people better. What really got me bummed out is that my trigeminal neuralgia is coming back. Once again it is quite painful and this time it hurts when I'm talking but not all the time. I thought we were past this but I guess not. Months ago it started to come back and I started the medication again on a low-dose. Then I tried to decrease the number of pills each week until I got down to 2 pills a week. No pain and the and then I tried to go without it. Big mistake, now it's back with a vengeance. Now I'm taking 2 pills a day hoping to keep it at bay. I really don't want to go through another rhizotomy I don't want to take so many of these pills. It used to be the pills affected what little use I had in my arms but in the last year have lost the use anyway so it doesn't really matter now other than I just don't like to take medication. These were the only pills that I have taken that have had noticeable side effect other than making me drowsy.
So then I had a Christmas miracle happened last night was kind of funny, the timing of it and all. I have been telling Lacy and Slim there is a big opportunity here. I needed a new primary cat and guess what my wife put Lacy up between my knees last night and she laid down and went to sleep there. Then later she got down and I thought that was it. And amazingly she came back up, and spent at least 2 hours sleeping on top of my legs or more properly in a kitty nest between my knees. She even stayed with the dog on the bed. Now I'm thinking it was a Christmas miracle!

Brain Fog

I keep saying on Facebook and MS site that mentions that the MS person expected mobility problems but never expected cognitive problems. I knew this was a possibility and in the support group there have been a couple of people that are seriously affected by cognitive problems. What's bad about it is that it hit them when they were in their working years and they could not get disability approval without a lawyer. One of them never did get approval.
Now I am finding that is starting to affect me cognitively (thinking). Sometimes my filter in my brain doesn't work I say things that are rude or inappropriate. Sometimes when my wife scolds me I can't help but laugh because of the cognitive problems. My caregivers cut me a lot of slack on this and I'm laughing and not crying. I want to cry a lot but my anti-anxiety medication makes that impossible. Usually I run out of mojo around 7 or 8 PM but want to stay up until after 9 so that I split my time more evenly between bed and my chair..
What seem to be getting really bad is my memory and brain fogginess. Today when my wife came to get me up at 930 I thought it was Saturday and I said "I'm not ready to get up yet" because I sleep till 1030 or 11 on weekends. She said I have to get you up at, I left work to do it. I asked isn't it Saturday and she said no it's Friday.. I said sorry I'm thinking it's Saturday and she got me up. Now I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open and will probably fall asleep later. I think what I have today is called brain fog and usually a cup of coffee wakes me up but some days not so much. I'm having a lot of trouble remembering names and have trouble keeping track of what day it is.So far this is not lead to any serious issues other than annoyance.
I'm reading a book about the Vietnam War which was a very strange war especially for those who went over there and I can't say anyone ever really knew what we're doing over there. They had a saying that ended most conversations about the strangeness of their assignments and goals. The United States was never allowed to go in and and the war but were stuck over there as the "police action" that led to so much uncertainty. They're saying that ended most of these conversations was "well there it is" so that's what I have to say about my MS and all the different symptoms is "well there it is". I know people who have my type and are still able to walk but they have other symptoms that go with their MS and I wouldn't trade with them. The brain stuff has been very slow to show itself so hopefully I can keep a handle on the few things I need to remember.
Well this will probably my last post before Christmas so have a happy holiday season and God bless you.

Latest cat update

I wanted to give a new cat update. Lacy Is the gray and white one. She comes out almost every day and sleeps on the kitty bed which is on the kitty table so she can see out the windows. There is also a ledge in our bedroom window and she spends a lot of time on. We used to laugh about Macy, saying she was the neighborhood watch cat. Lacy seems to have a similar interest in what goes on. She no longer runs away from Atlas and hisses and bats at him if he gets too close. Neither Atlas or Lacy seem to be afraid of each other. She just doesn't like to occupy the same space as him. Atlas seemed to take in stride. One night my wife put Lacy between my knees and she stayed there for about 5 minutes. And she got down and surprisingly jumped back up on my feet and went up to my legs and laid down again. Baby steps.
Slim is almost all gray and is a fairly long cat. He has a tiny bit of white on the stomach but other than that he is a beautiful gray color. I've seen more of him this week than all the rest of his time here combined. Comes out and walks around the living room and checks out the entry room. He will lay right in the crossroad between the entry and the hall going back to our bedrooms. If Atlas comes over to him he pounds Atlas his nose or just ignores Atlas entirely. He seems a little restless and never stays in one spot very long.
My wife has found that Lacy likes to fight the shoelace on the end of the stick Macy used to. She is quite ferocious and the strings better watch out! One night slim came out and watched for a while and when he tried to attack the string Lacy pounded on his head and he quit. Slim will chase the laser pointer all over the place and Lacy totally ignores it. It's pretty funny to see my wife with the kitty string toy in one hand and the laser pointer in the other.
I keep hoping one of the cats will bond with me enough to jump up on my lap or sleep on top of me. So far that hasn't happened yet. Maybe it will. Tom will be home for Christmas and will take Atlas hunting in western Iowa so Atlas will be gone for a few days. We'll see how the cats act during that time.

I have become a worrier!

Yesterday I wrote a little about the difficulties I have with decisions. Today I will talk about things that stress me out. While I was still working of course I was stressed about work related things. Now that I not working I still find things to stress about. I'm pretty sure one of the reasons is that I just have to much time to think about things and I have become a worrier. I'm not sure if it's the fact I'm getting older or MS related but I find even when I was working I became more of a worrier and now that I'm not working I just find new thing to worry about.
These are some of the things I worry about now:
Sleeping too much during the day and not sleeping at night. The nights I have trouble sleeping are so long.
Whether I will forget to ask something before my wife leaves or my son Matt leaves.
I stress about forgetting things or worrying that I am forgetting something important.
I get really stressed out thinking about going different places. There been a few times where we just could not find anywhere to park and then it really bothers me that we go to the trouble to get me in the van and drive somewhere and then are not able to stay due to parking problems. It's very frustrating for me to depend on others for things that I've been doing for years like driving and parking.
A stress about digestive problems. I seem to have more troubles now than ever because I am sitting in a chair all day. Getting driven somewhere shakes stuff and I worry we have to leave and come home to use my sling.

Since I can't drive my chair anymore I stress about going to other people's houses. My ramps only work in certain situations and not all. Couple of them are pretty steep and I used to be able to drive myself and I trusted myself to drive down steep ramps. I worry about going down with someone else driving. Going up never seems to bother me but going down is pretty scary. The chair does want to stop in the middle so once you start down you have to keep going.

I worry about people getting hurt trying to help me on a ramp. Between me and my chair we weigh 600 pounds. I worry that other people will get hurt trying to hold me on a ramp if I'm going off.

I don't mean to upset my caregivers because they are great. I just find have more of a worrier than I used to be an don't know how to stop. Too many years of being independent!

Decisions

I mentioned it before that I have lost the use of my right hand and can no longer drive my chair. Now my wife positions me in front of my PC and tilts my chair so that I can sit here safely  all day. I am reclined enough that I can even fall asleep if I want. Recently I have seen on Facebook a video of a quad who can driver his chair using the straw to control it. The fellow who works on my chair had suggested this earlier this year. I looked it up yesterday on the Internet to see how they work. I have problems with my breathing and so I wasn't sure I would be able to operate this. From what I read I would be able to use it to get around a little bit. I don't think it would be accurate enough to put myself into the van and hit the chair lock device. Somebody would need to drive me into the van and probably to take me back to the bedroom. I would be able to drive around and look out different windows. Now I have to decide between this method of moving or running my PC.
If I got the straw control it would be in the way of my smile mouse which is how I maneuver around my PC. I still use my voice software to dictate things like this or Facebook posts or emails. The voice software would still work but the straw would be in the way of my smile mouse so I wouldn't be able to use my PC very well. I can still use my voice software as long as there was no other noise. That would mean that when other people are here I couldn't use my computer even to read a Kindle book.
I think I will stay with my smile mouse and use my PC even if that means I can't use the straw control. I am almost positive the straw control would get in in the way because even the straw from my morning coffee gets in the way of smile mouse. I have found that it is getting harder and harder to make decisions and I tend to overthink them and get stressed about a choice I have made.

Atlas visits Santa

I'm finding it harder and harder to concentrate and focus. I am not sure what that means for my blog in the future but for now I just post stories about pets. This beautiful black lab is our son's dog and we're watching him for a year while he is deployed. He has my wife wrapped around his big huge paw and she took him to the dog park as well is getting his picture taken with Santa. He wasn't really a good boy because he kept jerking my wife's arm trying to see things. He met a huge dog at Pet Smart and about ripped my wife's arm off getting over next to him. He really likes other dogs but cats are a total mystery to him.

After we lost Macy there was about 2 months where he was the only pet in our house. Then we adopted a pair of bonded cats. Fortunately for Atlas they are declawed. He can't figure out why they don't want to play with his toys. He tries to give the cats a toy to play with and they just smack him in the nose, hiss and yowl. Occasionally he gets to sniff them and once in a while even gets to lick them before they smack him. All this animosity has made him extremely insecure. When Matt comes over to give me lunch and sits down on the couch he climbs on top of him like a lapdog. Imagine a 95 pound lapdog. He does the same thing with my wife. The funniest thing is that one night last week my wife put one of the cats on my legs and she stayed there. Usually at bedtime as soon as my wife leaves he follows her into the living room. That is what happened the night she put the cat in my leg. After she left here comes Atlas who jumps up on the bed and chases the kitty away. Then he laid on top of my shoulder till my wife came to bed over an hour later. Last few nights he has stayed in their after my wife leaves and I think he is either jealous of the cats or he is protecting me from them. He has turned into a big baby.

Tiredness

Of the many problems that I have with MS is trying to decide the cause of Symptoms. Lately I have been having a very hard time waking up in the morning and I also feel sleepy all day. Like yesterday after Matt left at 2 PM I couldn't keep my eyes open and fell asleep. I'm not sure how long I slept but then at bedtime I couldn't fall asleep before 1am. Then this morning I had a very hard time waking up and ended up taking a morning nap. My wife goes to work around 6 AM so I wake up then and take some morning medications and supplements. I read for a while or listen to a sermon and fall back asleep. She comes around 9:30 AM to get me up so that is only about 7 hours sleep at night. I found a morning nap works better because I wake up for sure when Matt comes. I try to go to sleep by midnight. That seems to work out the best.

A year ago I didn't have this problem. Now I wonder is it MS progression, the time of year, medications or old age since I'm 60. It's probably a combination of some or all these. Trying to fix the problem so I sleep more at night seems be problematic. If I miss a morning nap then my afternoon naps are very long and start the cycle of going to sleep late and then getting up tired. Of course if I take a morning nap and I may not post on my blog depending on how quiet it is in the afternoon.

Of course   these are fairly minor symptoms and I know others who deal with worse things or the same things and I feel for them. If this were my only problem I would be  a happy camper. It just noticed this year it's hard to deal with and I always want to try to improve things or fix them. It's hard to just accept things and learn to live with them. The Bible teaches that we are to be content with what we have but it also teaches us to keep working. Sometimes is hard to find a balance.

More critter stories. I can't seem to stop

I was hoping to post something on the serious side but I keep getting sidetracked by these interesting animals we have in the house. I've mentioned that we are watching our sons black lab Atlas, while he is deployed overseas until June. We adopted a pair of bonded cats about a month ago. The more the cats adapt to our house the more jealous Atlas seems to be. He is a big teddy bear and would never hurt them but he likes to sniff them. Sometimes they don't mind but most of the time they meow and cry and bat his nose and it hurts his feelings so he leaves. Whenever my wife or son Matt pick up one of the cats he has to go over there and climbs on top of them practically. He is become very jealous of the cats TV in. Usually if my wife is here he is her dog and I am chopped liver
 You might remember that Macy used to sleep between my knees almost every night. I told my wife a much I missed that and I wish one of the cats would start doing that. Last night she got Lacy out and laid on the bed and scratch her ears. And amazingly she went over and laid on top of one of my legs. I have to admit I love that feeling. My wife left to go watch TV and the cat stayed there. I thought maybe we have broken a barrier. Right after my wife left guess who pops in the bedroom, that's right Atlas. He was jealous that the cat was paying me attention. He jumped up on the bed and she left. Then he came up by my head and laid with his head on my arm for a very long time. I didn't realize I can make him jealous with the cats. Silly puppy. Usually follows my wife back out to living room after she puts me to bed. He must be protecting me from these mean little kitties.
Another quick story – this morning when my wife got up both cats were in her bathroom. Atlas came over and sat by the door. Those cats made noises I have never heard before complaining about the dog. Maybe someday they will bond. Atlas is such a gentle puppy and those kitties let him know that they don't like him.

Grumpy old man – Burgess Meredith

Yesterday I started the day feeling pretty grumpy and reminded me of the movie I saw many years ago with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon. The premise of the movie that these 2 old friends were divided by both of them being attracted to Ann Margaret. As funny as it was it was Burgess Meredith as an old uncle who to me stole the show. He was a crusty old man who didn't have a filter on what he said. I looked it up on YouTube to play them for Matt when he came over. I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes and kept laughing about Burgess Meredith all day. I started out trying to find what he said to Jack Lemmon's character when Walter Matthau's character was invited in to Ann Margaret's house. Burgess Meredith and Jack Lemmon were hiding behind a tree watching and Burgess Meredith in his raspy voice says "looks like Tom is getting lucky tonight". At the end of the movie they play al bunch of not safe for work or my blog ad Libs by Burgess Meredith.

Then there were a couple of Burgess Meredith parts of the movie I'd forgotten that I cat post on. Early one morning Jack Lemmon and Burgess Meredith are on the porch talking. Jack Lemmon says something about Burgess Meredith smoking. In his raspy voice Burgess says "for a long as I can remember I started out every morning witb a cigarette and then I went in and ate 6 pieces of bacon. At night I drank my dinner. Dr. told me that I should be in the dirt years ago." There was a long pause and Jack  says sarcastically is there a moral to your story? And Burgess Meredith the says "no, I just like telling that story". Every time I think of this scene I started laughing. The next one is a little cruder but I think it's okay for my blog.

In this scene there is a young mother with the little girl about 3. She swallows a quarter and the mother is all upset. Burgess says "she swallowed a quarter, that's no big deal, kids swallowed quarters all the time". The mother says really? And Burgess says "yeah kids swallowed quarters all the time. If she craps out a dime and a nickel then you got problems!". I kept laughing about that one the rest of the day. I suppose some of my laughter was PBA disease but Burgess Meredith made me laugh and my mood changed all day.

I wish I could say my mood was improved by reading the Bible or prayer but I would be lying. I'm probably not the best Christian but when it comes right down to it I do lead on the Lord. And

Grumpy old man

We were always told growing up "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all". I woke up this morning in a foul mood. Probably because I spent all last evening coughing and had too much phlegm built up to use my breathing machine and so I don't think I slept that great. So I will try to keep this short.

 I woke up fairly angry and thinking about how I had to quit work 10 years earlier than I planned. I have disability insurance at 60% of my former pay which is good except that means that I will not even come close to my target number in my 401(k). No work no new additions. Also have to pay tax on the disability money at the normal rate. Some kind of crabby because I'm afraid I will leave my wife destitute by this disease before I've released.

I grew up with that show where the key person saying "what will be will be, the future is not ours is to see". I need to remember how loved I have but I am frustrated that I never got to my goals. They seemed so achievable and now they are not. I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself so don't feel sorry for me I have that covered. Thanks for reading my blog and I hope my bad mood doesn't spread.

New cat update

Last night was shower night and so my chair was parked in the hallway. After I was in bed we notice that Slim and jumped up on the chair. He seemed quite content there and my wife took photos of him. I was afraid you wouldn't show up because he is close to the same color as the chair. After I saw the photos I realized he looks pretty good. He is a beautiful cat and is fairly long and seemed pretty athletic.
After he was enjoying himself on their Lacy decided she needed to be up there too. To get there with him and does seem like they were going to be pals. Then she stretched out on the back in the chair to look up at the head rest, turned and jumped on top of Slim and chasing him away. When they told us they were a bonded pair we thought it meant they like each other and they do but she is mean to him. After she chased him away she stayed on the chair even after my wife moved to chair into it spot in the bedroom. She stayed there for over an hour. I think that means it is hers now. Slim is big enough to kick her but but she is mean to him. He does seem pretty attached to her and reminded me of me and my sister when we were younger. We were inseparable but she picked on me terribly and she was a year older. So far the kitties are not really affected to me but they are very entertaining.

Disabled or part abled?

Having a chronic illness and disability as lead me to read but others with different chronic illnesses and different disabilities as well as my own. Long time ago I read about a lady in the United Kingdom who sister drowned herself rather than live life in a wheelchair. She had to driver chair to a nearby river, climb over a fence and then drag yourself to the river. The story was published because the living sister wanted voluntary physician aided euthanasia laws created in the UK. And recently there was a story about a war injured man who lost his legs and wished he was dead.

I read these things and I think good golly they have the use of their arms and their complaining? They don't want to live in there so many things you can do as long as your arms and hands work? I wish they could meet me and realized that you just have to use what you have as best as you can because there is always somebody worse they can deal with it. I'm not sure how to get this message out but if your hands and arms work or if your one-hand and arm work there are so many things you can do that you should be thankful for. I am thankful I can still operate my PC and read e-books. I can watch videos on my PC and I have a loving family. My pets are also very entertaining so there is many enriching opportunities no matter how bad you are physically. I don't want to minimize these injuries and illnesses but it's best to try to rise above them!

MS men's Facebook conferences. If I could go this when I would talk about.

Today I noticed on one of my Facebook sites that I follow called, Men with MS that they are having conferences in large cities for discussions on how MS affects men in a number of different ways. In this post I will cover some of the things that I would want to bring up were I able to attend one of these are functions.
Of Course there many physical issues that in my case are extreme compared to many MS people. I have lost the use of pretty much everything below my neck. I still have feeling but it is numb a little by tingling and neuralgia. Like if I spilled hot liquids on myself I really have some wild spasms. When I am waking up and change positions a little bit my arms and legs spasm and my hand spasm into fists. I am bound in a wheelchair all day, put in there by my wife in the mornings before she goes to work. I can no longer drive my chair but I found a voice software and a program called Smyle mouse where the mouse cursor follows my face. This gives me freedom on my PC. I can no longer use my fingers so I cannot run my phone, use the PC keyboard or a TV remote. My son comes at 1 PM to check on me and give me lunch. So how does this affect my manliness? Hopefully this doesn't come across as sexist.
I am 60 years old and been married for over 35 years. I have always been the one who took care of home maintenance. This stopped about 4 years ago totally. There was number of years where he could do some things but not others. This has been one of the most difficult part about my disease. Instead of just doing things or fixing things I now have to communicate to others what need to be done or more difficulty to stay out of it and leave it for others. I went from having and using dozens of tools and knowing where I kept them. I can't say I was real organized but I usually knew where I left the tools I needed. Now they are all over the place and I don't know where any are. I still have to describe certain tools for people to use in certain situations. I find I'm not a very good communicator.
One thing my MS as affected is my diaphragm and I speak very weakly. The right side of my face is also numb due to a procedure done for my trigeminal neuralgia. This affects my speech also.
One of the longest time wise symptoms I've dealt with his urinary problems. I had trouble voiding my bladder and so I would go to the bathroom quite often. Since my arms quit working I have had to go to an indwelling catheter. You might wonder how this affects my self identification. The frequent urination did but the catheter and bag, not so much. I have given up the use of this area of my body many years ago. Of course this has affected my masculine identification but that was a few years ago. Took about 3 years to accept it mentally. I still think like a man but physically I'm really not anymore. Also a few years ago I require a ceiling lift to get me in and out of bed as well as holding me over the toilet. This used to bother me a lot but anymore I have pretty much lost any sense of pride and just take whatever gets dished out.
Lately I've been wondering how much more can this disease take away from me? I suppose there is something a can but to me it seems like it's taken most everything. I miss my hobbies like kayaking, fishing, biking and hiking. If I go anywhere someone has to drive me into my van and it sure seems like a lot of trouble. I get out once a week or so and have a beer or 2. I read a lot and try to post on my blog so people know how I'm doing.
So I gets and summation I feel like MS has made me much less of a man and more of just a person. My brain still functions like a heterosexual male and this shows up in some of my dreams but less and less as time goes by. I tend to have dreams about still working and when I wake up it takes a while to remember that I don't go to work anymore. I guess that's one area that still bothers me. No more work means I'm now on Social Security disability with some disability money from my job so that I get 60% of what a used to make. It is been difficult to transition from the pay of working to the pain and disability. I don't envy anyone who has to quit working.

Quick posting – a few more animal stories

Today one of my brother-in-laws came over for his weekly visit. It started out as a Bible study but is turned into a gab session instead. We did end up with prayer. Because of that I'm a little short on time today so I will just tell another animal story or two.
Atlas seems be feeling pretty insecure because of the cats. He is acting more attached than usual especially with my wife. He used to get jealous when she would brush Macy but with the new cats he is always jealous even if they aren't in the room. Last night he got up on the couch next to her and put his head on her arm. Then it morphed into his head on her shoulder then he went even further and put his head on top of hers and had his chest on top of her shoulder. He was glued to her until bedtime. Silly dog. She tells him he is a good boy and that he is still her favorite but he is still insecure.
The cats are starting to spend more time in the living room. Lacy has taken over the cat bed near the window. Sometimes she lays with her back paws on the table and her front elbows on the windowsill. There is nothing below her stomach. I'm not sure how that's comfortable but she seems to like it. Both cats and started hanging around our bedroom at bedtime. If Atlas walks by, even if he is 3 or 4 foot away they cry like little babies in their kitty voices. I tried telling them about the boy who cried Wolf but they don't care because they're cats and that's what cats do.
This morning Atlas laid up by my shoulders while my wife was getting me dressed. One time she rolled me over and he licked my left hand front and back, goober city. Next time she rolled me over he licked my right hand front and back, more goober. Then when she tipped my chair back to pull me into a better he licked my left chin, cheek, ear and then my hair. He left by ear full of goober and he is never licked my hair before. He must really be feeling insecure. I'm sure by the end of the year you all be great friends!

Pets – a never-ending story

I haven't forgotten that I promised to finish my thoughts on the story of the prodigal from Luke 15. It is some bouncing around in my head and I haven't got the discipline yet to put it down in writing but I will. Today I have to talk about pets because that is what interests me during the day when I am all alone.
Neither cat has attacked the Christmas tree so that is good. It might be because the big scary dog lays on the couch closest to the tree. I think Atlas feels a little bit robbed. He knows something Happened to the last cat and he can tell the new ones are not the same cat. He seemed a little taken aback when both of them are out here together. Neither one backs down when he comes to sniff them. Slim just ignores him and Lacy waits until will he walks away and then she hisses and bats at him. He still can't figure out why we don't get a kitty who likes him. Poor little puppy. Last night Lacy was making howling noises at him and he wasn't even close to her. We told him you would get his own kitty and think he believed us and is hurt that these kitties don't like him. I guess we should have let him pick out a kitty.
When we went and looked for a cat, they suggested Slim and Lacy because we wanted declawed and older than kittens. They were listed as declawed on their website but they checked and found it were both declawed. We didn't want to deal with the kitty stuff and I need a declawed cat so I don't suffer if they knead their paws on me like Macy is to do. She wasn't declawed she would have left bloody holes in me. So far neither cat is very cuddly. My wife can pick either one up and Lacy doesn't mind but Slim wiggles and wants down. We think the cats will be more outgoing after Atlas goes home when Tom's deployment is done. One day Lacy jumped up on my lap but didn't stay very long. They are both younger than Macy was when we got her so maybe they'll slow down and become lap kitties and they get older.
At the shelter we had decided on taking Lacy home. When my wife told them that they said that Lacy and Slim were a bonded pair who came from the same home. They had to stay together. I'm thinking now that they just thought we were suckers and that we would take both which we did. You know they say there's a sucker born every minute. I have never been blessed to common sense and definitely overthink things. It was my wife that said we would take both cats so I trusted her because she has lots of common sense. Having both cats is definitely interesting especially when they both come in the living room. I wanted to mention one other thing about them being a bonded pair. I was afraid that Slim would be mean to her because he is bigger. Is a very long cat and tall and does afraid you would pick on her because she is a little smaller. Guess what though she picks on him. If they are near each other and she doesn't want him there she will hiss at him and smack him. Somebody bought them a banana toy with catnip in it. She would like to would not let him near. She is a bully to him. If they were a bonded pair they were a strange bonded pair. Oh well there ours now and were getting pretty attached to them. Atlas is seemed pretty insecure and is even more glued to my wife when she is home and he was before. He stated me longer at bedtime and he used to because I think he is protecting me from the mean kitties or is afraid that I will give them attention said of him. I have to say I find these animals very entertaining.

New Cats Report

We've had the 2 new cats, Lacy and Slim, for over 2 weeks now. Lacy comes out and spent most of the morning in the living room and then disappears to the evening and my wife comes home. Slim is very shy but he started he could come out more often. My wife said that in the back room where they spend their time she beats up on him when these are too close and want the same toy. In our living room we have a table that is thin and about 4 feet long. This table is near the windows and Lacy has taken over the table. My wife bought a single padded cat bed for this table and now Lacy spends lots of time in it sleeping or looking out the window or hanging over the edge and looking around the living room.
I'm not sure if it's a problem but slim came out today and got up on the table next to her and she started hitting him until he left. They must've done this when they became a pair because she is 6 months older than him. He is bigger than her buddy lets her push him around. Neither cat is really overweight and Slim is not really skinny but he is a very long cat. He often gets up on his back legs and butt and stretches his neck out to look at things. We might need to get more than one cat bed so he has somewhere to go where she doesn't beat him up. Either the cat seems intimidated by Atlas and recovered by them they don't back up. Slim just ignores him and Atlas goes around him. Lacy waits until he started to leave after stiffing her and that she has is at him and swings her paw but I don't think he feels it.
So far neither cat is jumped up on the bed in the mornings to keep me company. After my wife goes to work Atlas come to living room so I don't see much of him. Hopefully the cats will decide to come visit me. I'm just glad for sing their antics and hope they grow to like me and maybe sleep on my lap. Sometimes my wife or son will put Lacy on my lap and she will sit there for 15 minutes or so.
The last hope shelter finally got the 2 cats that we were sort of waiting on. They are part Siamese male and they look just like the 1st cat I had. They are only a year old so I think we're better off with the 3-year-old cat's with one male and one female. The other 2 would make a great pair and I think I would've been happy with them except we found Lacy and Slim 1st. Right now Lacy as been sleeping in the cat bed or a couple of hours. We I wish I could take photos but I have to have other people do it for me. Slim is very hard to get a photo of because he is somewhat restless and never stays in the same place for very long. The other day my wife had to rescue him because he was climbing up between the headboard of our bed and the wall and couldn't quite make it to the top. She word noises and went and looked in all she could see was his head. The Christmas tree went up yesterday and so far neither cat as been a problem. Lacy went and slept underneath it for a while last night. You know how dogs mark their territory. I think at barked their territory way sleeping in it. If they sleep in it it's theirs!

MS and prayers

Suppose I need to mention something about my MS since that is one of the purposes of my blog. I have found that any benefit I got from my 1st infusion of Ocrevus was more related to the steroids I got along with them that were meant to ease reactions to the drug. We discussed steroids with the doctor and they are not a long-term solution. The benefit from them dropped off very quickly and prolonged use leads to many other problems without a real benefit. I get my next infusion early next year. At this point I have very little hope of any restoration but I notice a slowing of my symptoms. So maybe next infusion will help stop the disease progression.

I suppose I should mention prayer. Of course many people are praying for me to get better. There was also a little girl named Evie who received much prayer due to her kidney cancer. Miraculously with the timing she received the transplant organs she needed. Unfortunately the cancer spread to her brain and she had some tumors removed. Not long after that more new tumors showed up in her brain and there was nothing the medical field could do. Little Evie, 4 years old, passed away in October. Part of me feels like "why pray for something". So little of what I pray for actually happens and part of me thinks prayer doesn't count. Course I couldn't be further from the truth because prayer brings us into contact with God. I remember reading once that prayer doesn't change God so much as it changes our attitudes and we learn to accept the effects of living in a sinful world. We lived in a world that cast out the true King and ruler of the world, Jesus. His blood was shed on the hill of Golgotha. We live in a world stained by sin and the end result is death. We are fortunate that God has made a way to become accepted by him that is by the sacrifice of the Lamb of God Jesus. All this being said we need to pray and just because prayers are not answered the way we want does not mean that God doesn't hear

So back to my MS. I find that I sleep a lot more and to be honest I'm glad because it helps me get through the day to sleep more of it. Of course my dream is that I go to sleep sometime and do not wake up here. So far that is not happened. I'm finding I take an afternoon nap almost every day during the workweek. I can sleep up to an hour to an hour and a half and still be able to fall asleep around midnight every night. I go to bed around 930 and watch Amazon prime or things I've recorded on TiVo from my phone. Then when my wife comes to bed she puts on my breathing machine and I switch to reading on my PC. Some nights smile mouse works really good even though I have my nose mask on and some nights I have to do twisting and turning with my head to get it to turn pages. I'm not sure why one night it works flawlessly and the next it's kind of a pain. So far I sleep really good at night except for maybe 2 or 3 nights a month. Not sure why this is but even before MS I had nights that I couldn't sleep so that is not really increased. The difference is that before MS if I couldn't sleep I could get up go to living room. thank you for reading my blog, it really gives me something to do during the day. Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts.

2 New Cats

Yesterday's subject leaves me feeling dirty so I'm switching to something less controversial and lighter. Our 2 new cats Lacy and Slim are providing entertainment for me but have not been very cuddly. Maybe that will come later. Right now Lacy has become brave and likes to look out the windows in the living room. She explores the front of the house but Slim, even though he is bigger, seems much more skittish. He goes from the bedroom then straight into our bedroom dozens of times a day. While I'm in bed reading I can see them out of the corner my eye coming in and then going out. He seems a little restless but today he followed Lacy out to the front of the house. Right now he is on a card table in our entry room. He must've seen a bird because he's up on his back paws and his neck stretched out so he can see better.
I'm glad we got them, I think they will keep me entertained. Lacy might become cuddly but I don't expect her to bond with me like Macy did. Her coloring is so much like Macy though, that when she sits on the kitty table by one window, and as her back to me, I keep thinking it's Macy because her color is so much like Macy's. Of course her face is very different, almost all gray so when she faces me and don't think it's Macy. They're both very beautiful cats and I think they are going to be more active.

Sexual harassment claims, brave women versus women out for media attention

I can't say I'm sure what to post today. I have a bunch of things bouncing around in my head. One is the many sexual harassment claims on the news lately and I have mixed feelings about what I'm hearing. The latest one is Bette Midler complaining about Geraldo Rivera before the talk show that she attended 1991. Here is my problem – in the early 90's it was reported Midler showed up to a show very high on cocaine. It was reported that they had consensual sex in a closet. Her professional reputation and what she promoted was that she was vulgar and ribald in as well as a substance user as well and an alcohol user. She provided herself as being a woman who sought out men for sex. The report to me seems like she just wants to get back in the news.
There are quite a number of these that are coming out from 10, 20, 30 and 40 years ago. It seemed make a mockery of women new are coming out bravely reporting harassment and actual rape in timely manner. I would agree that the entertainment industry as well as politics lends itself to sexual improprieties toward women and I wish the best for these victims and hope both industries change. Bringing up old allegations that that were not made in a timely matter should not be picked up by the media and promoted.
One thing that's really strange is that the Billy Bush tape was announced by Donald Trump and his wife as just boy talk, false bragging and locker room talk. The other day it was on the news that the Donald Trump organization is now claiming that that tape was false and made up; created on someone's computer. If that is true why did they acknowledge it as locker room talk? I'm getting pretty sick of this stuff.

Psalm 34 verse 8

I can't think of much support today. Lacy has been in the living room for most of the morning. She has discovered what we call the kitty table. It a long skinny table that is by the West window. Macy used to spend hours on that table and there is a kitty bed there. Slim mass and discovered it yet but getting close yesterday. I've not seen him today. Yesterday Lacy have gone into the garage and was out there for about an hour. Silly kitty.

Today my only report is that I've been enjoying this line in the Psalms. Psalms 34:8 O taste and see that the Lord good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. This is one distinction between Christianity which is a relationship with God versus religion. The Christian is invited to seek the Lord and can expect an answer if we seek him honestly. Many atheists I have known demand God prove his existence to them. This is not truly seeking him but I find many of them are angry that God does not reveal himself to them. I think it's in Proverbs what it says God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.

Lacy and Slim are coming out of their shells.

I have not posted for a few days because Dan was visiting and his wife Danielle was here for short time also. All through the holiday weekend and Monday I was never alone and good and use the voice software. It was sure nice visit and Matt came over every day see Dan, Danielle, Atlas and the cats.
Today is just me and the animals. Both of them came out in the living room and kitchen wandered around while Atlas slept on the couch. Then later Lacy went all over the living room and even one over by Atlas, stretched out and sniffed him. He was asleep and never noticed. She is been a bunch of time looking out the front window and there one point where she was sitting on the end of the couch looking out the front window and she looked just like Macy sitting there. She also found a folding chair was on that so she can look out the window.
I'm hoping they get to where they will sleep on top of me like Macy did but I doubt that will ever happened. It's nice to have the distraction of seeing them wander around and sit on top of stuff like the couch. He wanted to let you know that I'm still out there and trying to think of things to put on my blog.

Thanksgiving

Since it's Thanksgiving I will share of a few of the things I have to be thankful for. The list would be incomplete without thanking my caregivers. Primarily my wife, and son Matt. Dan helps me when he is here and remotely helps me with my computers. Tom used to be stationed in Iowa and we saw him at least once a month. There is much more I can say about these wonderful people who make my life worth living but I have discussed them many times on my blog already. We also have Atlas, the wonder dog, for a year while Tom is deployed. He is pretty sweet and I like some of his kisses as long as they're not my mouth. He does like to kiss though.
I'm thankful for my new kitties. It took me 2 months to get over losing Macy enough that I could consider another cat. The one we liked turned out to be part of a bonded pair and we had already liked the other one but not as much as the new one named Lacy. Her body coloring is almost identical to Macy's. We had to think that was quite a coincidence that her coloring was like that and her name is almost the same. Her brother of the bonded pair is almost entirely gray and is a very beautiful cat. Lacy will sit on my lap for 15 minutes or so. Her brother Slim is not very cuddly. He is a strange combination of being timid as well as curious so we see him around the house more. They both seem aware of Atlas and are a little afraid of him. Slim but not seem to be afraid of him and walked right by him now. Atlas is a good boy and rarely chases the kitties.
I wish I could say I was thankful for the benefits of the new MS drug Ocrevus but I think the jury is still out. It seems to have slowed the progression but I had hoped I would get a little bit of use back in my right hand. So far this hasn't happened and my right hand is a little worse than it was last summer. Next infusion is next year and I hope the 2nd one gives me some pop.
I am very thankful that my last visit to my doctor for my coughing and sinus problems. She suggested Zyrtec – D and using the nose spray Flonase. Between the 2 I have very little problems. Still have to cough up things 2 or 3 times a day that's better than coughing all day and night.
Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers and I hope God blesses your 2018.

Can this be National complaint day?

Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will be filled with the gratefulness for all the blessings in my life. I'm thinking today should be dedicated to complaining! I guess I could complain about MS and how it has crushed me physically but I won't because I get to be here by myself a lot, I get taken care of pretty good, fed well, and now have 2 cats to replace Macy. I'm pretty appreciative of computers but I have to admit it has become a love/hate relationship.
It seems like Siri on my iPhone should be much more functional after so many years of being around. I use it as a safety net to make calls if I problems during the day. Is terrible for actually running my phone. I can open apps but can do absolutely nothing within the app. Seems like it should be improved since as been around for so long.
I'm not limited to using my PC along with a voice recognition software named Dragon Naturally Speaking and the software called Smyle mouse. My biggest complaint is that my old Dragon naturally speaking, 13.5 premium worked so much better than the upgrade to release 14 professional it's ridiculous. Right after I upgraded to 14 thinking it would be an improvement I kept getting calls telling me I could upgrade to release 15 for $99. I talked to a rep and said I am disabled will release 15 be an improvement for me? He said he wasn't sure that I said please check and if it will call me back and I will upgrade. Never heard from him again.
On my living room PC I have a Dell that started with Windows 8. After a year of getting notifications that I could upgrade to Windows 10 I finally did. My bedroom PC started out with Windows 10. It's very difficult for my engineering mind to deal with the fact that both PCs with Windows 10 are very very different. Many apps are different also. I only have voice software my living room PC. I did a Windows update couple days ago and now it barely works with Microsoft Edge. I could use Google Chrome if I want and recently I changed the resolution on my living room PC so that the text was now bigger. This worked for things I did with Edge but Google Chrome text stayed the same as before and I cannot figure out any way to change it.
So as functional as I am with my PCs seems there are so much room for improvement but none of the computer or software people worry about disabled people. It's kind of funny because that's how Dragon NaturallySpeaking got it's start.
My motto for MS is always been "I'll find a way to muddle through" and that's what I still try to do.

Psalm 30 – meditations

 I have been meaning to post this Psalm for a while now but have been posting about cats. I have enjoyed this Psalm for many days, especially toward the end of the day when I am weary, I ask the Lord to just take me home. I especially meditated on verse 9.It's good to remember that this world is the only place that we can offer praise to our Savior who the world cast out and put to death. This world is the only place that we can show our love for him because once we get home we will be with him forever.This world is the only place that many things can be accomplished and have an eternal reward. Loving our spouse, children, others are only available while we are here. I believe once we get to heaven we will know our loves from this world but we will be filled with admiration and adoration for our risen Savior. I wish I were more eloquent. I think what I'm trying to say is that while we are living in the world that cast out true King we earn reward for things that we do and appreciate what God gives us. One Psalm says he sets his solitary in families. I believe that as we appreciate our loved ones, including pets we will take that home with us to heaven. I believe our pets are a gift from God and they will go to heaven in our hearts. One example is the prophet Nathan describing to David that a man a lamb that he loved as if it were his own child. Our hearts can be attached to our pets and this is a gift from God. I apologize for any typos or strangely worded lines. I'm having trouble with the voice software.

Psalms 30:9-12

9 What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?
10 Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord, be thou my helper.
11 Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

I'm having trouble with the voice software.

 The cursor jumps all over the place, I don't enunciate well and I have trouble saying to correct things. Also when I updated Windows 10 the keyboard is changed and works differently than the last one. Also I'm using the microphone on the computer which is that good. If I plug a microphone in that it is attached so that the speakers don't work because it expects a dual use piece of hardware. I found out this computer is limited this way, has something to do with the chip that uses for microphones and speakers.

New Cat Additions

My stories tend and have been longer than I want, but that is probably because I overthink things. I used to be an engineer and have always been somewhat picky. We had talked to a shelter called Last Hope and they were going to have a pair of cats that they said were a bonded pair but they didn't know when they were coming in. We were sort of waiting for that but it had been a few weeks so I started looking on the Cedar Valley humane shelter the other day. I found 2 small cats that were under 3 years old and one medium cat that was 5 years old. They were declawed so I wanted to go out and meet them. My wife took me out there Friday night. The girl who was helping us didn't think any of the 3 we mentioned were good fits for me. She said the 2 small ones like to bite and the one who was a little older had just been returned and had been in a very foul mood.
We said we didn't want a but wanted a cat that was declawed because it's not good to declaw an adult cat. It's a very dramatic surgery and If declawed they take quite a bit longer to recover because they are usually heavier and is painful for them to put their weight on their front paws. The girl said that they just got to in that were 3 years old and declawed. She mentioned their names as Lacy Lou and Slim Shady. I told her that their website didn't say your declawed but she checked and they were. So we took the male into the cat meeting room that they have and he did not mind if Janette held him and after he was here for a little bit she could hold him on my lap, scratch his ears and he started purring. He was a little bigger than I wanted but I said if the other ones don't check out I'll be glad to have him. Then we wanted to meet Lacy Lou so they brought her in. She was pretty sweet and reminded me a little bit of Macy. Her color 0f her body is very similar but her face coloring is different. She would sit on my lap and she liked it when my wife held her. I got pretty attached to her right away I said she's the one I want. That is when we found out that her and Slim Shady were a "bonded pair". They had been raised in the same home by an older couple. When these people had grandchildren they found out one of the grandchildren was terribly allergic to cats. So they had to give them up. I told my wife well I guess I don't get a cat then and I wanted to meet one of the little ones. They brought in a little black cat named Willow. She is not terribly friendly and my wife tried to pick her up she tried to bite her so we decided she wasn't going to work out. So I was all set to leave without a cat than my wife says "we will just get the 2 of them". To be honest I was pretty surprised. We discussed it at length and I kept saying we don't have to do this unless you want to. Of course with a room full of cats it's hard not to get attached to them and so she told the girl we would take them both and come pick them up Saturday.
I think we're going to change their names little bit and call the girl Lacy boo and the mail just Slim Or Shady. he is almost totally gray so I think that's where they gave him the name. I think will drop the slim part because he's not slim but not fat either. He's a fairly long and we think that is where the slim came from.
Right now they are hiding a lot but we think though move out of the bedroom where they hide after they get used to the house. Janette brought Lacy in this morning and held her on my shoulder and scratched her ears. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt to have a cat on my shoulder again. It took a while to get used to the idea that the next cat would not be like Macy. We had a bond that will probably never be repeated. As well have still going to call Macy my MS cat.

In the photos I am holding Lacy and the other photo is Slim in the front and you can barely see Lacy behind him. They certainly try to stay together and my wife said she is glad we got both of them. Hopefully they will bond with me little bit more as time goes on.

Head Cold – much improved

The cold I mentioned the other day is more or less gone. Thursday was kind of bad was sneezing a lot but then Friday was a lot better. I felt like sneezing most of the day but could stave it off I closing my eye. When I did this tickle would go away and my I would water a bunch. Now it's Saturday and I'm pretty much back to normal. I've been taking Zyrtec – D every day and it seems like my phlegm problem is much better. I had to go to the doctor so that I could take it every day because the pharmacy cut you off after 3 weeks due to people making meth. The doctor also suggested Flonase which I use once a day. Now my coughing seems to be on the wane. I hope it stays that way.

Health – couple minor updates

In a previous post I mentioned that we received it a denial letter for Ocrevus from our insurance company. I was able to start on it anyway because Genentech who manufactures it supplied it to me for free. Earlier this week we received a letter saying that our insurance will now cover it. I guess this means I will be continuing the infusions next year. My MS progression seems so slowed but is not completely stopped. There are a few things I used to be able to do with my right hand, like running that recline function on my chair. So I guess it is progressed a little bit. Maybe next year with a couple more infusions all notice a higher level of it working.
I suppose I should mention that yesterday I think I have a cold because I get a tickle in my nose and I ended up seizing all but yesterday. This is problematic for me because I cannot lift my hands to use a Kleenex. Today is better, I'm still getting a tickle in the nose but so far I have not sneezed. The tickle is in the right nostril and when it it to me my right I closes and starts watering. This makes a little hard to read things on my PC. After a while my clears up and I can read again so I just have to be more patient. Yesterday I was cold all day and today I am fine so I'm pretty sure yesterday was the worst day of my cold. I have to say that many of these things are pretty annoying when I have MS too. I have to say things like this are "light affliction but for a moment" which I think is in the book of James. Take care dear reader and God bless you!

Reminiscing – Dan and camping

Yesterday a friend of mine posted that she went to the movie "It" because her son wanted to see. She showed how brave we are for kids and it never would have gone to this movie without encouragement. This reminded me of a story of my own that similar but a little different. Most people who know me well know I may big fraidy cat. I tend to be scared of a lot of things and avoid scary movies. When I was younger the movie the exorcist and commercials on TV. The commercials were so scary I have had nightmares about that movie I hold wife even though I never saw it.. I used to take my sons when they turn 18 on a camping trip with the 2 of us only. It was supposed to be a bonding experience.
When my son Dan turned 18 I decided we would take my John boat to an island in the Mississippi near Gutenberg. The islands did not have names just numbers. I don't know what number this one was but is fairly long. The night before we were to go my son went to see the movie "Blair witch project" and just him telling me about it was enough to make me scared. We were the only ones within miles when we camped on the island. In the middle of the island it was kind of a swamp and we didn't go there. We hiked around the entire island perimeter which was fun. That night after it was dark I told my son the scary story involved the island we were on and I told him there had been sightings of a witch at night on that island. I told the locals called it "witch island". That night we heard some things creeping around our tent and I think we were both scared. He asked me if I was a witch and I told him I wasn't going out there to see. We camped in the sand and it turns out there were small turtles in the sand that came out at night.
I thought he knew he I was joking about the name of the island until later that year you mentioned "camping on whitch island". I laughed pretty hard and told him I just made that up because he had seen the Blair witch project will be the night before. It made for a funny story.

Pets – thinking about adopting one

As you can imagine I miss my sweet cat Macy terribly. For 6 years she was pretty much attached to me. Her fur was so soft and I really enjoyed her purr when I scratched her chin. She would always sleep either on my shoulder or between my knees. What found it extremely funny is that when she would jump up on the bed she would never walk on the bed she would walk on top of me to get up to my head and shoulder. Sometimes she would lick my eyebrows and sometimes she would lick my face. Then she would sniff my face and then turned around a few times and laid down in the same way and spot on my shoulder. When I woke up she was often there between when my wife went to work when she came home to get me out of bed.
Now my wife and I are in the process of seeing if we can find a pet to fill the void. Atlas is willing but he cannot get up on my chair and he no longer stays with me in the morning. About 2 nights a week he stays on the bed with me  my wife goes to bed. When my son is not here he is totally attached to my wife. Right now we are trying to figure out if we want a cat or dog. I am more of a cat person but realize that a different cat may not bond with me like Macy did. My wife is more a dog person and so is Atlas. So we're considering both. We're not worried about Atlas because he loves everybody. He doesn't mind cats but cannot figure them out. He wants to sniff them but they don't want him to most of the time so they just leave. When Macy uses sit on the back of the couch he would bring your his toys thinking surely she would like this toy because he loved it. Then she would smack him in the nose and he would go pout because the kitty didn't love him. It was pretty funny seeing at 10 pound declawed cat control hundred pound dog. Atlas is just a big teddy bear with a huge heart. If he could he would cuddle with me during the day but he is too big to fit in my chair.
So we're considering other animals right now and really don't know what were looking for. I think it's one of those things that when we find it we will know but we can't really describe what it is we want.
I keep telling my wife that Atlas wants a kittyof his own!

Luke 15 – Father's Servants part 1 of 2

I think I've covered 4 of the 5 subjects in Luke chapter 15 – the prodigal son. I've discussed the prodigal, the father, the older brother and the people who live far away. I have read ministry that addresses all these. My next step is to discuss the group called the father servants. Will I have had many thoughts of them have wondered many times what they represent to us. I think I will discuss that further later.
My 1st thought is that when the sun returned to the father it was with the thought that he would "become as one of his father servants" because they were well fed nice soon because of this they were well treated. When he starts come home the father runs to him and throws his arms around him and there is no mention of being a servant. Is accepted back into the home as a son because that is what he is to the father. This reminds me that God wants our hearts and companionship not necessarily our actions. If our actions stem from a closeness of a relationship with God and those actions are great. If not then they are not acceptable to God. This is clearly born out in the epistles of the New Testament. Also in Proverbs there is one that says "my son gave me your heart".
The older brother felt that is "obedience and service of the father" preempted the father's love for the prodigal the returned. This story clearly shows that he didn't understand the fathers heart.
I hope to post further some thoughts on the father servants.

MS – some recent musings

Recently there was a post on Facebook with a video asking a number of people about their MS. 1st they were asked "what would you tell MS if you could". I have to say the answers were pretty silly and no one was a quadriplegic I guy have become so I thought the answers were not very realistic. Then they asked if you could take a break from MS what would you do. That got me thinking. Course I never get a break from MS I did and could use all of my appendages I think I would get a 6 foot leash and drained Atlas on how to heel. And I would take him for walks around the neighborhood and go down to the creek and let him play in the water.
There was also a poster last week that would dealing with loneliness that goes with MS. I would have to say really don't get very lonely I do miss being around many people especially miss going to the coffee shop. While I don't really get lonely a.m. getting very bored. I have been off work for almost 4 years and I read a lot but not much else to do. Catching up on Facebook is interesting but my days get kind of long sometimes. Some afternoon's I just lean back close my eyes and I wake up an hour later. I find if I take less than an hour nap I get so go to sleep at night. I take much over that I'm awake until 3 or 4 and sometimes I never go to sleep until my wife leave for work and gives me my morning pills. They gabapentin I take for my neuralgia makes me sleepy so I go to sleep fairly easily after I get those pills. The bad thing with that is I have strange dreams and sometimes I am stuck in them and my wife come to get me up. Last week I didn't remember very many of them so it was kind of a good week in that regard. Today I didn't get stuck in a dream state and don't even remember so that is good.
Atlas bark at something about 15 mins before my wife was supposed to come. That he came back and got up on the bed with me and barked a few times. I'm not sure if he came back to protect me or be thought I would protect him. Maybe he asserted the joke about the 2 guys in the woods talking about what to do a bear attacked. One guy says I would just start running in the other guy says you can't out run a bear. Then he says I don't have to out run the bear know the opt out run you!

Atlas – Big Teddy Bear

I think I mentioned it before but Atlas doesn't spend as much time on the bed with me at night or in the mornings since the cat is gone. I think he liked it that he got close to her and sometimes she would let him sniff her and a really likes her. Of course she pretended to never like him. Well this morning he stayed on the bed after my wife went to work and he would put his head on my foot. I think he was trying to reward me because I never scolded him yesterday for barking at weird things. I've tried scolding him but since I can't drive my chair over by him and scold him from above he just ignored me now. Yesterday I just didn't have it in me to scold him so I think that is why he cuddled with the this morning. In honor of this I will post a couple Atlas stories
he is a big old teddy bear and loves everybody. He is still a Labrador and seem to need to bark at some people were in the driveway before they get to the door. He is kind of scary if you don't know him but it is a big teddy bear once they come in. There was a guy here last week to put new batteries in my ceiling lift. Atlas scared him with his barking so when he came in he stayed away from him. Matt was here to let the guy and Andy pulled Atlas back. The guy changed the batteries and while he was in the bedroom Atlas laid on the living room floor. The guy came out of the bedroom and came halfway down the hallway and then froze. He said "he's looking at me". Atlas was lying there not to be moving and the guy was scared of him. He seemed very happy when Matt got Atlas in the guy left as quick as possible. We told him that he was a big old teddy bear but he was still afraid of them. We've never found anyone else who was afraid of him so it was kind of funny.
Atlas is pretty bright and picks up on patterns of behavior very quickly. In the afternoon I listen to music on my iPhone. Then when I see my wife pull in the driveway I use the Siri function and tell my phone to pause the music. Now when I do that Atlas runs over to the window starts barking because he was glad my wife is home. What's funny is that whenever I tell my phone to pause to music he jumps up and runs the window and barks even if there is no one out there. A few weeks ago I called up the Siri function and he started barking before I can tell it what to do and somehow his barking made by phone call a former coworker. I can't move my hands so I'm not able to hang up my phone and so went to that person's voicemail. It was kind of funny that Atlas is barking called somebody.
One more story. When the weather is right we would leave the windows open. Every day the mail lady, who was close to retiring, delivers a male and would say hide Atlas while he was barking at her. She knows he's a big sweetheart so she was ever afraid of him. One day he stopped barking at her and grabbed one of his toys and ran over to the door. He waited there for her waiting for her to open the door and play with him. Course she didn't even know he was there but it was hilarious. Is bark is so ferocious but all he really wants to do is make friends. He is pretty entertaining.

Good/bad moods – I have them both

I don't want to give people the wrong impression about me. I don't feel I'm this great example of a Christian. I struggle daily with my disease and with life in general. The Bible mentions "the comfort of the Scriptures". I have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ my Lord. It says in Romans "if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God is raised him from the dead thou shalt be saved".
Sometimes I have Bible lessons will and I enjoyed. Through so many Bible teachers better than me but I want to share a little bit because the Bible also says "I believe therefore I speak". Most of the time I feel like I am barely hanging on to the difficulties in life by my fingernails. I believe the Bible and believe I will end up with Jesus in heaven while I'm here I find this very difficult to deal with. I have a hope set before me and includes heaven but have no idea how many years I'll be stuck in this body. It pretty much given up hope that my physical condition will improve in any way shape or form. The new MS drug seem to of stopped in advancing so fast and I appreciate that. The other side of the coin is that my insurance company has denied paying for it because "is not medically necessary". So I will only continue to get it as long as the manufacturer provides it to me. We also can appeal their decision but I don't know if I'm really ready he emotionally.
I have really felt like posting but think it's important that I share my thoughts when I can. Yesterday we lost the Wi-Fi connection until afternoon so I couldn't post.. I am not sure what I would've posted. The whole cat thing kind of depressed me because I realize I am the weak link in the chain. I don't think a cat is going to just bond with me immediately like Macy did. When I took her home she cried in her carrier and I unzipped the top and reached in and scratch your ears and she quit crying. We bonded at the shelter and on the way home. Then she spent a number of weeks a hiding under the recliner's getting acclimated to her new home. I don't see how we can find an animal with my condition like it is so I'm a little bit bummed about that. We still have Atlas here so hopefully I'll share some Atlas stories. It pains me terribly that I can't throw the ball for him. He loved chasing balls and bring them back. I do have a few funny stories that I'll share later.

Cat visit

The Foster of the cat we were interested in brought him over yesterday. I would say it did not go very well. The cat was very skittish because of the drive from Bettendorf and being in a carrier most of the afternoon He didn't like to be in the living room. My wife would go back and get him and try to bring them over to me. I found I couldn't pet him or scratch him and made me realize this was unfair to the cat. I'm not sure about pursuing this anymore.
It really made me feel the power that MS has over me. To be honest a cut to my denial and I felt horrible the rest of the evening. At this point in time and it seems like there's no way to pursue getting another pet. I went to bed last night pretty much devastated. I felt what MS is taken from me acutely. I missed having Macy and the use of my arms and hands more so than I ever have. I tried to be upbeat and positive but yesterday it was impossible for me.
I'm going to have to sign off now my voice thing is working very strangely today and my voice is very faint.

Looking for cat and an Atlas story

At one time we're thinking about getting a small dog that could be a lapdog for me. After looking at one online and missing out on it I started to rethink it. I have come to really appreciate dogs but it seems difficult to find a smaller dog that would be housebroken already. I started looking at cats online and check with a shelter here called Last Hope. They have a 4-year-old cat is declawed and we're going to get to meet it tomorrow I think. Is in the foster home now with other dogs and cats so we're sure it will get along with Atlas. I hope he works out and finds it comfortable to sleep on top of me. As one of the many things I miss about Macy. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much and I don't expect this cat give me like her. It's kind of nice to have a cat around. The always seem like there either sleeping or doing something that I would laugh at. If it becomes a lap kitty during the day that would be even better but who knows with cats.
One thing there is about Atlas is that he barks at lots of stuff during the day. When my wife is here he or than ever barks at stuff. She tapped him on the nose once and that was all it took. He knows I can't do anything about it so he walks and lots of stuff. I don't mind it be barks it UPS or FedEx guys but he really shouldn't bark at my wife for our son who comes over.
I don't think he realizes it buys his "protector" bark is the same as it is "I'm glad to see you" bark. One day he was barking at the mail woman who knows his name and talk to them when the windows are open. Then he ran over and grabbed a toy open she would play with him even though the door was shut.
A guy came over the other day to work on my ceiling lift because they needed new batteries. My son was here so he could control the dog in case the guy was afraid of him. Atlas must intimidate people even though he just a big teddy bear. The guy came out of the bedroom after working on the left and seemed afraid to come down the hallway. Atlas was lying on the floor and the guy was intimidated because Atlas was looking at him. Poor little puppy is so misunderstood. He really wants to be everybody's friend but he still dog and feels that requires him to bark at things.

The Prodigal Son – the "obedient son"

I have really procrastinated following up on the prodigal son story. Mostly because I feel somewhat inadequate sharing and posting. There have been books written about this chapter and I am not sure how to make it concise enough. I'm going to give it a try but if this wet your appetite there is a book written called the "Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller.
The 3rd main character is the elder son and one who considers himself to be the obedient son and from our point of view he is. We would look at him and say he is an upstanding citizen. Some of the things he says though reveal what's in his heart. I'm not sure where in the Bible it is but there is a verse that says that "man looks on the outward appearance but God looks at the heart. The "obedient son" actions and speech let us into a little bit of what he really thinks.
He tells his loving father that that he has served faithfully for many years. It's obvious from his attitude and desire to grasp the heart of the father. The heart of the father longs for companionship with his sons and views the return of the prodigal is a great thing. The obedient brother does not see it that way. He is angry at the father because he has rejoiced that the prodigal returned. Is anger and attitude of not going in the celebration shows how little he grasps the father's heart. This "obedient son" looks at his years of faithful service not as serving the father but somehow using it as a lever to force the father to appreciate him. When we look at this from God's point of view we have to say that is missing the point. If we were to spend our entire lives never breaking any of God's principles we would still have to say all we have done is what we are supposed to do. There is no forcing God to accept us because we think were good enough. Roman says all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. One principle the obedient son thinks is that the father is now a debtor to him. We have to remember that God will not be debtor to any man and cannot be. He. Is our Creator and we is owed everything. One other thing the oldest son says is that the father ever killed the fattened calf so he could celebrate with his friends. This may be somewhat subtle but lets us in on his attitude. He didn't want to celebrate with the father but wanted to celebrate with his friends. He exaggerates the failings of the prodigal based on what we are told earlier. There is no mention of spending his money on harlots it that is where the obedient son takes the discussion. Either he knows more about the situation then he is letting on or he is exaggerating the failings of the prodigal.
So from the outward as we see these son who is always there and he says enough to the father to make us realize that he does not understand the fathers heart of love. The father's heart overflows toward the prodigal because "he was dead but now he's alive". Jesus said he came to save sinners. In Luke 15 also mentions that there is joy in heaven among the Angels over one sinner that repents. When my favorite hymns says:
softly and tenderly Jesus is calling calling for you and for me.... Oh sinner, home!

The prodigal son – refresher

A while ago I posted some thoughts I had on the story of the prodigal son which is in Luke 15. In it I discussed the prodigal, the father and the people who lived in a far country. As I reread this chapter and think what amazing things are here? Such a simple story and yet it is filled with the never-ending source of instruction on God's heart and also on different ways people react to the "Father".
To refresh this story talks about the prodigal "which represents a sinner", of which Romans tells us that we all are. The prodigal desire to get away from his father and he goes to live with people were far from the father and is likely never had any desire to seek about.
So I have mentioned 3 of the 5 groups are characters in this story (I'm not sure it is a parable because Jesus started out with "a certain man had 2 sons") I believe from this that this actually happened. So when this story there are 3 main characters. The father, the prodigal son and the faithful son. There also to other groups that I think are worth mentioning and the 1st is the people in the far country. The 2nd is the father servants. Somehow I don't think any of these can be overlooked and we can find instruction in all 5. Most people know of the "prodigal" and now we returned to the father. Many people mention it but don't really know or have read the Bible that teaches about it.
While not looking into it today hoping to follow up later I hope to address the 2 missing groups from my 1st post. It was a few weeks ago so you may want to refresh yourself with. I hope to finish up my thoughts by the end of this week and hopefully I have enough ooph to get it done. Unfortunately I have to be in the right frame of mind to tie my breathing and my speech as well as proofread. Lately my voice software as been frustrating me every day. There are so many words I don't dare use and there are so many that I assume are simple words but they don't transcribe correctly. It takes a lot of work to correct either by the voice software or by the virtual keyboard. Well enough of my whining, I hope to take this up again soon.

I May Try to Find a Cat

A few weeks ago my wife showed me a dog video of a small dog that was available for adoption. We applied through this agency called Last Hope. They had a dog adoption event at a local Pet Smart store. They did not have his dog with them so we're able to discuss it with their staff. We were told that had already applied for adoption but they would let us know. Friday I was looking on their website and saw that dog was gone so I think someone adopted it. All the rest of their dogs are too large to be lapdogs but they were all well behaved and well mannered. I was amazed at the pitbull mixes were the most affectionate dogs that they had. We took Atlas with us and the made friends with all the dogs. He seemed very frustrated though because we would let them off his leash to play with the other dogs so he got to go to the dog park afterwards.
While we were at Pet Smart Matt drove me over to look at the kittens. Many of them more 6 months old so they weren't really kittens anymore. While we were looking at one in particular he kept licking its paws just like Macy would and then look at us like we are annoying her. While this was going on I started thinking I am probably more of a cat person even though I like dogs. Dogs used to not like me until I got MS. I think maybe I am a nonthreatening person now in this made the difference.
Friday I was looking at their cat adoptions and found they do not list whether the cat is declawed or not. With me not being able to move it seems best to have a declawed cat, at least on the front paws. Indoor cat seem better off being declawed in the front but so many cats that could be placed easier if they were declawed. The shelters are so full of cats it seems better to me that they go through getting declawed rather than putting them down because there are just too many cats. So we did find a cat by emailing them and asking if they had any that were declawed. There is one that we are interested in and I think we will see if we can meet it. I'm a little afraid of getting a cat because they are so individualistic. I can't compare it to Macy as far as become attached to me because she was unique and the timing was perfect. It would be nice to have another animal around. Hopefully it will like sleeping on top of me because I really miss that. I'll keep you posted because it is not a short process with Last Hope.
The one thing that makes my church for cat difficult is the issue of declawing. I agree that it is a negative thing to do but many indoor cats really should be declawed. In my situation it is a must. I don't want a kitten and they recover from declawing in a day or 2. Please older is a very long recovery for an adult cat so I need one that is already declawed. I'm finding that almost all of the shelter cats are not declawed. My quandary is this - is a cat better off getting declawed or being put down because there are just too many cats and not enough people?

MS – some things I wonder about

Once in a while I feel obligated to post something about MS on my blog. As I mentioned, in the past I tended to just try to ignore it because when I think about what I've lost it is somewhat depressing. I have a lot of things that are good to think about so I try to think about those. This morning my wife was getting me dressed she rolled me over onto my stomach so she could pull my shirt down in the back. Then she rolled me back and I lay there looking at the ceiling fan for what seems like the thousandth time. I laid there while she got my chair in position so she could lift me into it.
As I laid there I thought of how I feel like I'm a baby who crawled into a 200 pound body and has to have everything done for me. It made me think of "how did I get this bad". Until I was diagnosed in 2009 I never even heard of this type of MS. It also has advanced from me being able to walk with a limp in 2009, to being more or less a complete quadriplegic now. When I was in my 40's I always felt like I was pretty healthy. In 1999 I graduated with the help of my employer from a two-year program at our community college. This was part of the agreement for me being promoted to "application engineer". At that time I weighed over 250 pounds and after no more school I had time to go to the gym. I started to lose weight and eat a low-fat diet. Each year I would be more and more healthy. It was about that time I started noticing problems with my walking and just assumed it was from working out too much. So I tried more exercise focusing on the weak side and eating better and better. More vegetables and fruits. As my weight dropped and I became more and more health focused my MS was progressing. Seems like the healthier I tried to be, the worse I got.
One thing I found about losing weight is that there are stages on the cellular level. You could lose weight by shrinking the fat cells fairly quickly. One problem with that is that as long as that fat cells  are there it goes back up fairly easily. I found it took months of being at a weight before it became "stable". So there were steps in my weight loss like say I lost 10 pounds. One weekend of overeating and boom it would be back. I found I needed to stay at that weight for number of months for my body to eliminate those fat cells and the weight loss became part of me. So it took quite a few years to go from 250 down to about 170. I was running regularly, biking quite often and kayaking a lot. Strangely though during this time my MS got worse and worse.
I had a theory I shared with my neurologist. My theory was that my body stored toxins in the fat cells and as I kept weight off my body would eventually eliminate those cells freeing up the pesticides to find a new home in my body. I told him I thought this was what was causing my MS symptoms and perhaps I made my MS worse or caused it. He told me it wasn't true but then they can't tell you what causes it so I'm not sure how he can say for certain that I'm not right. The end result was that as I kept getting "healthier" I kept getting weaker and more pathetic. I still wonder if had I stayed fat it would've been better off but of course is no way of knowing.
At this point it doesn't really matter what caused it or accelerated it. I'm in a wheelchair and have accepted this except for losing my right hand. I hope they figure out what causes it so that my children do not have to go through this. They say it's not genetic and I hope that is true. The doctor can't tell me why my MS has advanced so far and so fast. I've tried supplements and other types of eating things and while I was using them I got worse faster than the other guys I know who had my type. They are still able to walk while I kept going down hill so fast. Right now I feel fortunate that I can still be here by myself and we adjusted the controls on my chair so that I'm not able to accidentally drive around. Take care dear reader. It's always good to count your blessings. No matter how bad I am I still have many things to be appreciative of.

Communication problems

I probably already mentioned this before but my MS affects my breathing diaphragm and has weakened it significantly. This probably wouldn't be as big a deal except I have had sinus problems my whole life. Since I said leaning back now in my chair my sinuses tend to drain back into my breathing system. I would say that I am a phlegm monster. I did some research and found that many of the products on the market would work if I used the version that had – D on the end. This bed it was a decongestant. I tried using some over-the-counter and found a helped but I still had many days where I spent the whole day coughing and coughing and coughing. Went to the doctor a few weeks ago to discuss my options and she prescribed me one of the over-the-counter products with the decongestant. You might wonder why need a prescription, it is because the law only allows purchase of this product for 3 weeks. Then you have to wait. Of course if you need more they suspect you are making meth and so I needed a doctor's prescription. Strangely though is not covered by insurance because it is "available over-the-counter". So now I take 2 of these a day and after 5 days I am more or less alleviated of the constant coughing. I still have some drainage but it's only about 10% what it used to be. I guess I'm counting this as a win.
So one of my biggest problems is communication and the constant coughing was a real hindrance. I still have problems speaking with background noise because by diaphragm is still weak. I find it difficult to talk loud enough for anyone to hear me. I also have hearing problems in my left ear and have difficulty hearing other people. Between these 2 things which is a combination of MS problems and old-age problems and find I am more isolated because whenever we go anywhere there is always background noise so I have trouble being involved in conversations. I feel bad because I want to be involved and it frustrates other people when I can't hear them. At least some of the phlegmy cough is now abated. When other barriers are speaking is from my trigeminal neuralgia procedure called a rhizotomy. To eliminate the trigeminal pain they burned the nerve bundle and because of this the right side of my face especially around my mouth is numb. This makes it more difficult to talk clearly and what I hear in my head is not always what comes out clearly. So between these 3 things I find communication difficult. When I'm around other people I find I want to enjoy their company but am very frustrated by my problems. Many times I have to communicate to my wife and she can sort of understand me and read my lips a little bit. Then she tried to tell somebody what I said. I think it ends up being frustrating for everyone involved and I found it works out best buy just sit there quietly and my wife feeds me and lets me have a beer or 2.

MS – a long strange trip!

I think by now I have mentioned it how strange MS is for me and everyone else I know of. It's been almost a year since I lost the use of my right hand which is been the last thing to go. Now some days I am able to get my hand on the tilt and recline control but I cannot drive my chair. Most days I move my coffee cup a little bit to get the straw in my mouth if I am alone. Sometimes this takes 10 minutes but I am usually determined to get my coffee. Yes I love coffee! I didn't start drinking until I was in my 30s. Even decaffeinated has some caffeine in it so I don't get to drink it after 2 PM. So now I use voice control and smile mouse to do anything on my computer. This takes a lot of breath and is very hard to correct. Sometimes it takes what I'm saying as a command and opens up a different app. Sometimes when I want to correct something it just adds new words. It also picks up my breathing and puts in the word will. So now I will try to describe my current state.
I told my wife last night they alternate between apathy, anger and sadness. I wish I could add gladness to list but to be honest it doesn't seem to show up very often. I'm always glad when my wife gets home from work so I guess I do have some of it. I don't mind being alone for the most part but really enjoy her company now and I always have. We first started dating my friends were mad because I was "whipped". I would just tell them that if they were more interesting than her I would spend time with them. I still went trout fishing a lot with my friend Mark until he went to graduate school in Michigan State. Then it was just me and my fishing dog Chester. He loved to go and run and run and run.
One strange thing I have found with my current state, is that I miss walking now more than I ever have. I think it is because whenever I had mood swings when I was healthy or was overwhelmed with life I would go on walks. Walking seem to even me out and thinking while I walked tended to make me not be overwhelmed with life. I used to take Chester with me and I taught him to heel so it was a joy taking him. Now that I can't drive my chair and I see people walking their dogs I've started to miss it. I've been in a chair or use the chair most of the time for over 5 years. I really didn't miss it like I do now especially when we get a nice fall day. I loved going for walks in 50 to 60° weather. 40° was okay as long as it wasn't Wednesday.
Thank you for reading my blog, it seems to help me relax to post things especially today I am finding my mood is getting better while I'm doing this. Of course Chester passed away decades ago but it was my first dog and we were very attached to each other. I didn't think I would ever feel that way about dog again. I do now about Atlas. He is much calmer than Chester was but I found have become attached to him in a way I never thought possible.
Back to MS for minute, in closing. MS tends to grind someone down emotionally and mentally. I am very fortunate to have a great group of caregivers and friends. Many of my friends would do anything I asked of them but most of the things I need done are done by my wife and sons. I know a lot of people feel bad that they can't help me but MS is a cruel taskmaster and doesn't care about things like that. Beside my caregivers and friends I have "the comfort of the Scriptures". To be totally honest I'm not sure how I could handle the extreme lows I get without this comfort I get from the Lord. Yesterday I was reading in Psalms again and I notice this verse:
 Psalm  27:13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord...
I believe this Psalm was by King David and he went through many trials. To me is the idea of "fainting" is what I think of as me "giving up". Many times MS makes me want to give up but somehow I'm sustained. I'm glad that I am still around to praise my God who saved me and loves me.