Memorial concluded

hHave one more I wanted to discuss. My wife made a friend at the church we go to now when we first started going. We started doing things together with her and her husband. Their names were Curt and Lori. Their daughter was in softball in the field was right behind our house. We used to go sit with them and blab and watch the game. Later on we met Kurt's parents who came to the game also. Kurt's dad's nickname was Sugar and his mother's name was Dee. As in the previous story we became their friends by being friends with their children. Sugar was a very entertaining person and always had a story to tell. He came to be a Christian age  late in life and he had decades of living without Jesus so he was a little rough around the edges and his stories were a little on the rough side. This was  not a problem to me because I became a Christian in my 20s and some rough edges that I still struggle with. What was funny was that I had met sugar years before. We lived  near the same town and they had garage sales  in his  area fairly often. I was interested in a tiller he was selling.  we did the old school bargaining. A lot of "I don't know", sliding that hat back and kicking the ground. We were five dollars apart on a very old very worn tiller. It ended with us parting ways until I got to the end of the drive. He called out all right I'll take it and I went back and got the tiller. It had some pretty big problems with leaking oil but it was fine for a small garden. I never was able to repair the leak but used it for 20 years. When we first met Sugar and Dee he seemed familiar that we got to talking and I find out where he lived I asked if he used to have garage sales a lot. After a little bit of back-and-forth he knew that I was the guy who bought the tiller and haggled for it. We both started laughing. After that whenever I saw him it was like we're old friends and we would shoot the breeze tell our wives drug us off. My wife was more friends with Dee for the same thing. Just being friends with their kids made us their friends.
So what I found was that people with good family adhesions were very good at passing those feelings along when the opportunity was there. I felt like I have benefited greatly from the three have mentioned here and along with many I have mentioned. I'm pretty much out of ability to speak so I will sign off now. Thank you again for reading my blog.

Cont...

What follows is in no special order. We found that over the years that some of the friends we made from church and had similar family bonds treated us like friends. It we're friends with their kids we're friends with them. Since I had little solid male companionship growing up will this was very important for me. That brings up the memorial in the newspaper. It was for a man named Roy Wright. Roy had two daughters and one of them, Rhonda went to our church was married to a man named Rod. We met them at a church function and the conversation started out with teasingly insulting Rhonda. Found out later that she was used to dishing it out but rarely got it dished out to her. I have been a person who teased all my life and I could tell somehow that she was too. We became immediate friends and then we met her folks, Roy and Karen. We were helping them get there new house ready to move into. We moved some furniture in and we were taking a break. I noticed the painter was painting French doors. I had painted a half-dozen and found them unbelievably difficult. It was going through it like it was butter. I never seen anyone paint so well and so fast. I commented that to the other guys and was overheard by "the painter". He came over, showed me the brush and made up a story about the edge of the brush. It sounded almost believable but I realized he was pulling my leg. He joined our conversation and spoke like he had known us for years. He left the room then and when it with Karen and her two daughters. Other guys in the group laughed and said you know that is Rods father-in-law. The joke was on me and I found that Roy was as my friend from my whole life. Every time I saw a Roy he talked to me I get bit my friend forever. He was an amazing man and a really enjoyed meeting him and knowing his own family over the years. He left behind a great testimony for his wife and children and now grandchildren.
I am not able to finish today as I had hoped.Too much Trigeimimal pain. It is back. See Neurologist Thursday.

A memorial to some who have passed through

In Sunday's obituary section there was a memorial to a friend of ours father. I started me thinking of all the parents of people we knew and we were friends with and some that we met through our children's involvement in sports. This gave me something to think about all day Sunday and kept me from ending the day as Mr. negative.
The first I will discuss is the most important one to me. It would be my late father-in-law John. I did not have a very good home life after my mother passed away when I was 10. My stepmother never connected with my sister or I and where clearly treated like we were baggage. When I started dating my wife I was 18 years old and had been booted out my father and stepmother's home. On one of our first dates we went up to her parent's cabin and I was surrounded by a loving and caring environment. I couldn't believe how well they got along. Her parents were there of course as well as her father's parents. I was treated like I was royalty. Anyone that was their daughter's friend was their friend also. I had many years and spent a fair amount of time that their father. His influence on me was better than I could ever imagine. He taught me so many things about home repair and was always there when I had something to work on. It's amazing how well you can connect to somebody by working with them. When he had me helping with the cabin for their house I felt I graduated because he trusted me with his own things. Occasionally I have a project that would require a specialized tool from his workshop. I would go down in the basement and do the job. After I was done I would just look around his workshop that all the cool things he had. I bought many tools after that. As he got older he developed heart problems and I would do things to take care of their properties and felt privileged to do so. There are many more things I can say about her father but to sum it up I would say is the most important person I have had in my life besides my wife. He passed a decade or so back and I have missed him more than any other person I can think of beside your mother. He is by far the most important man in my life.
To be continued&

Quick greeting

I have not posted yet this week. I don't usually have the time on the weekends. Yesterday was an odd schedule. The techs came late so my son came and gave me breakfast and coffee around 10. They got me me up around noon, for me in the chair, took me to the living room and fed me lunch I was in my chair until my wife will be the around 7 PM. She put me in bed got me mostly ready and did the file think that 9 PM. Left little time for voice use. I trouble getting by voice software to work correctly and so that got a shot Monday.
Tuesday was the global schedule of my eyesight was person who's ever been had a fading voice. All of a sudden anything bright carried superbright night could not really see much. The outside windows all superbright with no distinction. So was the TV and part of my PC's green. I started to wonder if that was the light people saw and they were dying. I am ready so I said come get me but it was that kind of light. Certainly I am still having bridge been in the evening and have trouble reading this. My voice is all over the place and so I'm not going to post today except to say God bless you dear reader.

Some minor health updates.

Unfortunately some of my trigeminal pain has returned. I started having pain in my right lip so I increased the trigeminal pain med and it did not affect the pain. Since it was in my lip I wasn't sure but now it is lowered down to the bottom of my jaw inside. Increased dosage has screwed up my eyesight again with no effect on the pain. Seems that took two steps forward and three steps back. After the radiology treatment I don't think there is anything else they can do for me except shrug their shoulders and say to bed/so sad but in Dr. speak. The this is the radiologist later this month. I can't say have ever imagined pain like this before. As the day goes on I am worn out and it seems worse. I start out the morning with very little pain and it seems to increase their and other places as the day goes by. My bedtime I'm ground down. I try to say awake so I'm not awake into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes it is really hard and I fight sleep like today. I think I am losing the battle and will fall asleep even though I don't want to.
I've been reluctant to say the latest this I am in a hospice care at home. It tends to freak people out and give them the wrong idea. I had the same idea until recently when I was put on it. Does not mean I am close to dying by the have problems and only they can keep after. It's been a real education for me. My issues are that if I get a skin infection in one of my wounds or pneumonia then it will be a serious deal. I have to admit I am ready to go. A big part of me does not want to because it will break 40+ years with my wife. There is no one like her. We have grown together over these many years that is why but really don't want to go but am prepared that is my time. I know I will be with my Savior Jesus. The apostle Paul said he was "betwixt the two". I think I understand that more now than ever before.
I did not have a good day with the dog yesterday. I stayed in my chair until my wife got home. The dog took the opportunity to lick my ankle bandages for over half an hour and a my wife got home and kept her away. I'm fairly confident now the dog does not care about me at all and it really hears my feelings. This one more disappointment on top of all the others. One worries of these.
Well I am not sure what I would ask you to pray about specifically. Thank you for all your prayers. Most evenings when I am weary I long to be home and out of this body. I know what will happen in the Lord's timeframe and not mine. Well that's all for now.

Some updates – Jordyn sees Santa

Matt noticed yesterday that I had missed taking my antidepressants Saturday and Sunday. This is probably what contributed my total tailspin on Sunday. I'm still here.

My wife took Jordyn to see Santa. I am sure that she told Santa that she was a good girl. I think her motto is "there's a sucker born every minute". She is so cute sometimes that I'm sure she had Santa fooled. Last night my wife went out with their sisters. How she was gone Jordyn a bulb off of the tree, chewed it up and ate part of it, found a kleenex and ate it and found the stuffed toy Grumpy Cat, carried it around, flipped in the air, chewed on it but she did not tear it apart. She barked a bunch while my wife was gone because she thinks if she barks my wife will come back sooner. Of course she totally ignores me especially now that my voice is faint and weak. I don't think she ate much of the Christmas ornament. She is used to eating tissues so that is a big deal and she did not destroy the calling cat. I'm getting used to her barking and just ignore. She did find a eating utensil and carried it around a little while but that's no big deal. She is so happy when my wife gets home. She is definitely my wife's dog.
When we had the queen bed in here my wife used to have her put her paws on my chest and her head down on my chest. This is giving Poppa a night nighthug. Then she would get a biscuit which she cared about more than Poppa. With the hospital bed and the computer table over me she cannot get up to my head area. Sunday night the table was not up yet so she could climb up and she climbed up to my head. A lot of times she plopped down with her tail against the top of my head. Sunday night she plopped down so that she was sitting on my head. It was very funny. This is why we call her the Galloot. She stomps where she wants and plops down where she wants. She is not a dainty little thing. I've been telling her if I can I'm going to bite her so she knows that I am the A-dog. I did not do it because I was afraid of what I might bite. I guess she knows that she is the top dog.
It's time to sign off for now. Take care dear reader. We have two nursing technicians who get me up in the morning now so Janette does not have to come home. I'm not sure how well it is going because they ask me lots of questions. I don't do well with decisions anymore. I'm used to my wife knowing what I need taken care. Hopefully we get past learning curve soon. Decisions are bad enough but before my coffee, crazy. I did get a shave this morning. No blood so it went good. We thought we would see more of the nurse but so far not much. I hope that changes soon because only she can redress my wounds.

Power of suggestion

A while ago while you're still going to the wound clinic for nurse we had not seen much of was with Dr. Sharma. The doctor told me that my skin the longer was able to heal itself even with their intervention. I have a DNR order so that if I get a infection it will probably spread to my blood and then be terminal. I mentioned but prepared to go. The nurse we not seen much announced that I wanted to die and that I was in a deep depression. I tried to correct her that being ready to go is not the same as wanting to go. She only heard what she wanted and kept saying I was in a deep depression. We no longer go to the wound clinic because they've done all they could. We have nursing help that comes in a few times a week to redress my wound. The results of been spotty with them showing up. Hopefully we get that straightened out in the next few weeks. This is supposed to help my wife out not confuse her.
So back to my subject. Ever since his nurse announced that I wanted to die and would not hear any explanation I've started to think that maybe she was right. I've been in a tailspin ever since and my poor wife has to deal with the results. Thank you wonderful nurse. 90% of the nurses are great but it only takes a bad one to spoil the bunch. I'm really tired inside and out of living in this body. There's only one way out that I can see. I spend a lot of my day longing for release to be with Jesus. Thank you reader for reading my blog and caring about me.

Problems deciding on my new schedule

I looked over my list of topics and can only find ones that are very serious. I decided after some of my last posts I was not going to get serious anymore. I may break that will try to keep them short. I mentioned a while back that I'm not supposed to be my chair very much and we try to keep it from two hours to no more than six. I now I have a hospital bed to sleep alone. This is been a huge emotional change. I would think with three animals one of them would come show me some sugar. Not so. I read Kindle books on my PC and watch Amazon prime videos. I used to watch TiVo record shows on my phone but for some reason that quit working. My son and I tried everything. We gave up when I tried to get the cable company to send me my password. I had to put in our account number and it said that number was invalid. I don't want to call them because they are awful in you just bounce around from one department to the next. I gave up trying and now I have another reason to despise them. Unfortunately they are the only game in town. We've had no problems with the cable Internet just the TV.
So back to my subject. I spent a lot of time in bed and find it hard to find a reason to get out of bed on the weekends. I find I can stay in this bed all day because is pretty comfortable. I now have nursing technologists, and get me out of bed in the mornings. It is not until 11 o'clock. My son went to the back in bed before he goes to work around 1 o'clock. The only other choice is to wait until my wife gets home and that can be too many hours in the chair. I normally plan to have her get me up around 6 PM to feed me and watch some TV. When that time comes around I normally don't feel like her going to the effort are me getting you the hassle. Have become a bed prepare which is something like a couch potato. I'm not sure how to deal with this in general. Part of the care I will be getting because my skin is failing to heal itself even with the wound clinic's aid. They said they have done everything they can do now I have my having home health which includes some nursing. This is getting hard to get used to. They seem to have the mistaken idea that they can fix me but I don't see that happening. I believe I am on a downward spiral now and when it ends no one knows. The main purpose of all this care is to keep me comfortable keep pain to a minimum. I tell them when they come in and I'm ready to go and know Jesus as my Savior and Lord. Evan will be my home and I'm ready spiritually t I am o go. I'm not quite emotionally ready to leave my wife of over 40 years. But I will sign off now because my voice software is not picking up what I say very well. God bless you dear reader.

Animal post

I promised to have stories about our pets and that is what I will do today for the most part. They limit my stories because they do not come back with me when I'm in the bed. I am "chopped liver". Have a quick aside before I start my story. Our army major son is stationed in far north Alaska. He said he felt that tremors a little bit but not much. It number of years ago he was stationed north of Anchorage and would've been close to the epicenter. Now for the feature film, LOL
one of the cats, a female named Lacy, spends most of the day in a cat bed that is on a table next to the side window in the living room. She has made in their own territory and everybody else somehow has agreed to accept this. Sometimes she sets in the middle of the living room and wait for her to chase her and that she jumps up on the table and and somehow that has become home base in the dog leave her alone. She will lay in that bed all day. She can be pretty entertaining. And she will lay her back and act like she's swimming. She will also make weird meowing noises and we have no idea why. Other times she will later back may go over the edge it so far that there arms hanging out that we cannot figure out how she does not fall out. Somehow she stays in their. Other times she will lay on her back and go around in a circle pushing on the sides. She can be very entertaining. Other times she will stand on the bed and sort of climb up the window sash and rub her paws on it. This is why we have always had cats that are declawed in the front. They would claw a lot of things and do a lot of damage. Also up for some reason which in our case would be a passing it will be easier to find a home for. For safety of the cat it will always been allowed back cause and their damage is minimal.
Lately the male cat named Slim, has been going around the house more. Most of the time that dog leave him alone and he just wandered around from room to room. He likes to explore and lately has been trying to get into the garage. My wife would let him but she is afraid she would forget he is out there and you would get run over. He has explored all the rest of the house except the garage. One day he snuck out there came back covered in cobwebs. Now you want out there again but in no chance. Well I'm going to sign off now and thank you again for reading my blog. As you may know Wednesday was a terribly rough day. I may write more about it in the future or something of a similar theme. So God bless you in Jesus name.

Not a good attitude

Recently I have gotten involved with some nursing care and medical tech care due to my series of wounds that won't heal and probably never will according to the wound doctor. My ceiling lift seems to be a big deal to them. They are used to what is called a Hoyer lift and is as if they'd ever seen a ceiling lift before. Yesterday they had to Techs come out and my wife showed them how to use it. Today several people came out and it had to be okay by the physical therapist. Of course my wounds including the one of my bottom add to be examined and shown to everyone. I was to have questions and is very hard to talk so I wore me out. We are doing this mainly so my wife does I have to come out every day. To being totally honest I find this process exhausting. This entire disease has pretty much worn me out. I have given up on any idea that I will improve physically. This has also affected by outlook and I can't say is very good anymore. I feel like a horse that is been put away wet. I feel like a mule has been beaten and the only relief is going to sleep. I wake up to another day of the same thing. Lately it has felt like the heavens are made of iron. I have read that this is common in many Christian's lives. I know longer think the Lord will let me out of this and unless I take it one day at a time it overwhelms me thinking of years of this cycle. Many days I cannot wait for bedtime and sleep. When I wake the next day I just think that here we go again. I have some optimism in the mornings but by evening is gone. I cannot allow myself to think that this could go on and the same cycle for years. Well enough of my whining I will sign off now.

Regrets, I cannot say I have many.

As you know from earlier posts I have a lot of time to think. Sometimes I think of regrets and I don't have a lot of them. I can't think of many or any for that matter since I've been married. Fortunately I can say that I'm one of the people that have never cheated on their wives. I'm not sure how many people are of faith are not but I am glad that I am one of them. I have had flirtations over the course of years (my dad took me on sales calls in the summer to grocery stores. He taught me how to flirt with the cashiers) but has never ended with a regretful situation. I'm not sure if I should list my regrets but I have a few when I was younger and stupider. Mark Twain said when I was 14 I dad was stupid and he just kept getting dumber as I grew older. Now I am 21 and think my dad knows a lot. The old man sure has learned a lot in seven years. Paraphrased.
My and all regrets are how I have dealt with my MS. I never imagined it could advance this fast or far. I had never read on the Internet but anyone with a similar pathway with MS. I spent a lot of money trying to adapt my environment to this disease. I thought we would be able to stay in our two-story house, I retired at 67. Also when I was 50 I was in good health and felt that my health based on history would be good until my 70s. All of my grandparents passed away their 70s and I was under the impression that my course would be similar. That thinking went down the crapper when I got this disease. There are no rules with this disease. The only thing I can say is that annoying cliché "it is what it is".
I either have too much to say on my posts were not very much. I'm going to make this one short. Have developed pain in my right lower lip that I attributed to trigeminal neuralgia. Now I'm not sure. We increased my medication and the new pain is the same. I've never had pain that was in down at the bottom have my mandible for whatever that's called. This is not much higher and is not as severe and is not going away. I've no idea how I deal with it. When I get a rollover to get dressed in my face presses on the pillow the pain somewhat tolerable. That is one reason I don't think it trigeminal. We don't see the neurologist who did the procedure until late December. It would be no surprise to you that I am very tired of going to doctors. Every one of them listens differently. Some already think they have you diagnosed and they tend not to listen very well. My primary care physician is always been great but now he is becoming more of an administrator so we don't see him much. Wound care doctor has been fantastic. He listens and what to ask questions she gives me an exact answer. Well I'm tired of fighting my computer and the pain in my lip makes talking more difficult. Take care again dearest reader.

Paradigm shift

Since I have been diagnosed as having primary progressive MS I have sought to modify my house and car/van to accommodate this illness. Originally the doctor in 2009, we had a good prognosis. He thought it would be so walking with a cane I the time I reached retirement age. This turned out to be untrue and that my MS progressed faster than I would've anticipated from what I've read about case studies, learned that the support group and based on the doctors original prognosis. Since that time I've gone through quite a number of adjustments. Not only my method of getting around but our house and vans to accommodate this disease. I would say until a year ago I had a positive outlook and felt that I would get some benefit from that. It turned out not to be so. About a year ago my wonderful cat Macy died. To be honest I was a huge blow to me and I can never replace her. Since that time my attitude has changed. I now feel I am more realistic in my Outlook which some medical people take to mean that I am depressed. I don't believe that is so well come to realize that most likely possibility of being free from this disease is to pass out of this scene
I know I will be with Jesus and that makes me accept my physical difficulties. Since my diagnosis I would say I used to go through some sort of adjustment or paradigm shift every year to year and a half. Since I'm no longer been able to work four and one half years ago these shifts seemed to be every six months so. Fortunately not my sons ministry to my computer remotely. I use a voice recognition software as well as a program called smile mouse which follows my face. Recently I have been faced with a new paradigm shift. The wound clinic Dr., why think the world of, said she believes by skin is failing is no longer able to heal itself even with their intervention. Now I'm now on a new footing, medically speaking. After opposing it for many years now I have finally accepted getting a hospital bed which means I will be sleeping by myself from here on. Am able to interface with the world through Facebook and my PC. My fingers are course are paralyzed so late I able to use my iPad or iPhone. And able to use iPhone a little bit to the use of Siri. I am amazed how limited Siri is. I can make a phone call but cannot hangout and they cannot answer a call it seems to me rather shortsighted.
So my latest paradigm shift is to get used to a hospital bed in my wife they began a different room. I must admit that this bed is very comfortable and so far I sleep very well. I'm not sure my wife does because a few times I have needed something in the night she answered right away. I don't think she is sleeping very deeply and we hope she gets used to this. Her care for me is amazing. I am as needy as newborn baby. This is my latest adjustment as well as her adjustment. I had hoped the cat would come and sleep on my legs like she used to but so far it has not happened. When my wife comes in Jordyn jumps up on my legs and I know the first time she did that if the cat was there would be the last time the cat was there. I also spend much more my day in bed than previously. I'm glad I have my PC because I can read Kindle books using the smile mouse turned the pages or I can watch Amazon prime videos. These have spoiled me because it is no commercials. If I watch commercial I started daydreaming during the commercials and usually miss some of the show. This is the newest change I have to deal with. I grew up with with the Doris Day show and the opening song had "what will be, will be". This is probably not the best outlook for Chris and I have with all this stuff is bigger than me now. Combined prayer of dozens of people is not changed my disease progression and so I accept that. God does better than I how the course of my life should go. Praise be to God has saved you sinner like me!

Dreamworld versus real-world

Yesterday I had a fairly lengthy post but lost that when my computer locked up. Yesterday my computer and phone seem to be acting really strange. Not sure how it will go today but I'll try again.
I have always had vivid dreams but they seem to gone up a notch or two since I've been taking gabapentin for my feet neuralgia. Monday but I really really odd more so than usual. In general in my dreams have not disabled. Occasionally in my dreams have trouble walking on uneven surfaces but that passes and I'm fine. It's kind of strange that I dream that does not include my disabilities at all. So Monday morning my wife gives me my gabapentin and a few other things before she goes to work around 6:30 AM. And she comes in at 9:30 AM to get me out of bed. I was dreaming that I was a dog walker and I was out walking about a half a dozen dogs including Jordyn. It is a nice sunny winter day with snow on the ground but the streets were mostly clear. Dream was so realistic. I wife had to wake me up and I couldn't distinguish between my dream and the real world. Asked her what she was doing there and it all seemed out of place. My brain was still in the dream for about an hour and I think she thought I was acting more odd than normal. About an hour my brain was still in the dream.
I voice thought that dog walker would be a interesting job. One problem though is walking around with dog poop in baggies in my pockets. I suppose I would get a satchel for that if I was serious. And what do you do with it? You're not supposed to throw in the garbage, you're not supposed to add it to a mulch pile that would go on your gardening. I suppose I can dig holes around are hedges and after a while now it seems like a lot of work. I guess there is crappy parts to any job.Ha Ha. If I wanted a real challenge would try to be a cat walker. I would be a doozy!
This one is going to post yesterday. My wife but it's really be tolerant of me to put up with all strange I am from time to time. While she was here getting me up I never did feel like I was in the right place. I guess part of me is not accepted by disability. I used to love going for walks in the winter as long as there was no wind. I'm going to sign out now and take care dear reader.

Minor health update

I hope to make this pretty short. I do tend to blather on when I start talking. I pressure sore has led me to spend much more time in bed is very little in my chair. Have found that less I spend in the chair the harder it is to get into it again. I think it is like riding a bike you have to get your butt used to the seat. It takes about an hour my rear to get used to the seat again. I find I spend from 2 to 6 hours in my chair but two to three is most common. I feel like a kind of a slug spending so much time in bed.
The other thing is my trigeminal pain. I'm trying to wean myself from medication and is been six months since the procedure with radiation. I finally got down to three doses a day. I went to weeks with no pain so I decided to go to three doses one day and two the next.. This works for a week and then started getting twinges. I tapped out that twinges and the next week the pain was pretty serious again. Now I'm back on four doses a day till the pain stops that I will go back down to three.
I'm convinced now at the medication definitely affects my vision. When I was down to three one day then to the next I vision was pretty good. Now it is out of focus and started to get both eyes looking at the same thing. I'm not sure if this is where I am stuck. Is another medication that neurologist that I can try. I was hoping to be off all of them and do got look forward to yet another doctor visit. I don't see the doctor who did the procedure till December. I am hoping and praying that I keep getting off of medication.

Jordyn you gotta love her

It seems like whatever I say bites me in the butt. Jordyn was really cuddly at night since last weekend. My wife's sister who is retired has been visiting once a week. Jordyn loves her visits. This week she has not visited because she has been updating up bathroom. I sent her a text yesterday telling her that I think Jordyn missed her and was pouting for a couple of days. Then I texted her that she has been super cuddly to me at night. One night she slept with her on my legs and her head on my stomach The rest of the week she always seemed to be in contact with me. I bragging her up every chance I got.
then yesterday things went south. I got up late and was in my chair in the living room while my wife was at the gym. Normally she would come over once in a while and and sniff my ankle bandages. I would scold her and she would leave. She might come back 15 to 20 minutes later that I would chase away by scolding. Last night was sort of a nightmare. She came over and started licking my ankle bandages and I kept scolding her (I can no longer yell) and she would ignore me. I scolded her that my voice ran out. I gave up thinking my wife will be home pretty soon. Was really a big deal and that she started pulling on the bandage with their teeth. When she did this for lower jaw would push on my wound underneath and it was pretty painful. I scolded, I pleaded, I called her names and nothing worked. I started calling and my son came over from work and put her in the kennel. I was pretty angry with her.
I was ready to start breaking her up on my blog. As you can see from the photo she seems really attached to me. Skip be such a sweetie and she can be a real stinker. She is so awfully cute most of the time. I just wish she reminded me a little better. Of course is too late for me to quit loving her. She has melted my heart I am very attached to her now. One step forward, two steps back. That seems to be the motto of my life.

Realistic ways out for me

Yesterday's post was from "sad Phil". Today I will post a more realistic view of things. As you know I have an incurable untreatable disease that progresses and is moving faster than normal. Realistically looking at the situation there are three ways for me to act in this body has become something of a prison.
One would be that I am miraculously healed. This could manifest itself in many different levels from complete restoration of my health to getting my right hand use back. Have little hope that the Lord will heal me in one of these levels. The Lord can see my heart and he knows that were I get my health back I would be faced with the same tendencies of temptation that this disease has as physically freed me from. I also think that if he were going to it would've been party passed by now. It is still a possibility but I do not think you will happen.
As I can way would be the Lord return for his own of which I am using my faith in the work of the Lord Jesus my God and Shepherd on the cross at Calvary. He took the punishment for my sin upon himself so that I would be free of the penalty. There will come a day that all believers will be taken up to be with the Lord forever. I've come to believe that this will not happen in my lifetime. For a number of reasons why and one is that I believe things will get much worse in general on earth in society as well as earthly problems. In Peter he says "he is long-suffering, not willing get any should perish but all come to repentance". He lingered over Israel many centuries giving them plenty of opportunities to turn back to the Lord. I do not discount this as a possibility because it the Bible also says that "now is the accepted time, now is the day of salvation". If you have not done so please dear one come to Lord while there is still time.
The third way is that this body passes into death and I will be with the Lord. I believe this is my most realistic hope to get beyond this disease. This can play out a number of ways a number which I fear and number of which I would view as a mercy. I read a biography of the great John Wesley and after a lifetime of serving the Lord, preaching the gospel, he climbed up to bed in the second story and the next morning he was found deceased with the most contented look on his face. Believe Lord rewarded him with a painless passing. Cannot say I served the Lord as of of many of the great saints who have passed before me but it would be a mercy to pass in my sleep with no traumatic events. I believe would be the easiest on my loved ones also. I dream of this book do not feel I deserve it. Lord could provide a number of ways in which I passed with the least trauma to my family. I pray for this. Last extreme is the long drawnout painful death which challenges all of us to honor my DNR. My heart is very to go but my body is still here. I fear the breaking bonds which I have of my loved ones but look forward to being with my Lord. I believe my loved ones feel similarly. There's such a wide range of possible medical situations is truly impossible to cover them all so that everyone feels confident there following my wishes. God bless my family and I hope they see my passing as a release from the difficulties and just keep seeming to mount. So I think this may end my very serious Phil posts. Can't say for certain because I forget from day to day what I've already posted. Again God bless you dear reader and thank you.

More of yesterday

Yesterday I posted some of my thoughts that included death. Since I have a increasingly progressing disease that has no cure for treatments I have realized that I have 3 to 4 ways for this to end. One way is by death. My wife says I have too much time on my hands to think about things and I would agree. My ability to and my life by suicide or tragic accident. The doctors have told me that my type of MS makes me a candidate to have my breathing become problematic and lead directly to my death. Of course this is very rare and what again I am very special. Since it is so uncommon and no one is able to predict what that will be. Months may be, years probably. I have a DNR in place because I do not want to be on a ventilator. I'm on a BiPAP machine help to breathe at night for comfort. Most people that are quadriplegics come to either pneumonia or an infection of some sort. I realize my breathing leaves me open to pneumonia and the sores I have that do not seem to heal leave be open to infection. I mentioned these because one of the values that I have picked up over the years is the idea of a "good death". I have always hoped I would have a good death but is not looking very likely. My idea of a good death is one that comes fairly quickly, causes minimum fuss or burden on others and is possibly at the end of a life well spent. I became a Christian when I was 25 and am now realizing that scriptures do not support this ideal. But I don't pray for much and I know many people pray for me. I pray that I would pass away soon and avoid societies rigidity in the area of physician Assistantance. It seems as if society requires that we go bankrupt before this is over. If I could check out on my own I would.
The following are not really things that I think will happen but sometimes what time on my hands I do daydream about them. I'm not sure if this is where I got the idea but the Gillian Flynn book "dark places" had a person in it that went around during the farm crisis to farmers were in danger of losing everything and mercy killed/murdered them. He found these people by word-of-mouth and prevented them from committing suicide. The book was about an odd situation where there was a fire the same night in one of the houses where you was doing his thing. I don't remember everything but they confuse everything for decades until that was caught and confessed to all the killings. So sometimes I think about someone that sneaks into our house when I'm here in bed by myself and help me along to the next world where I will be with Jesus. It is illegal for someone to assist me and I believe it is treated as murder. I would not want anyone I knew for a stranger to be accused of this last alone do prison time. These are things that forensically it would not be very hard to make it looks non-suspicious but I realize now that what I know of that subject is come entirely from TV and is probably not very realistic.
Now I look at what I fear will be a long lingering awful death. It breaks my heart to think that I loved ones will be drugs to this tragedy. Probably my biggest fear will come true that my family will be made destitute.
Leads into my next concept of merciful death provided by my Savior in honor of my prayers. I never prayed for my recovery from this disease and that will be part of my next post. So hopefully this last post I have on my fantasy departure. Next three will be actual realistic ways that I will get out of this disease of body. Again thank you for reading my blog and in the future after I exhaust the subject will try to retain simple posts about our animals, light health updates and maybe some Bible meditations.

Slightly morbid subject – read at your own risk.

I promised a while back if it is describing the mixture of values I have. After I graduated high school I would sad dove I use whatsoever other to stay out of trouble. I drank a fair amount and was usually obnoxious and I got drunk. My friends kept me out of trouble for the most part. During this time I had a little bit of values I picked up from my friend Mike was really into Indian stuff. I watch the movie "Little big Man" the main character Jack who from one life style to another, which ever way the wind blew him. I felt a kinship to Jack in this regard. I never got into drugs because one time I smoked hashish with my friend Mike and I realize it was either dive into that lifestyle or say out entirely, which is what I did. That life style seem to immersing and I would disappear into a drug world that had one end.
The most endearing character in the movie was the old Indian chief "old Lodge skins". When Jack was taken by the Indians and brought up as one is determination part of getting attention of the old chief. He became like a son to him and referred to him as my son. Jack referred him as grandfather. The bond between them and the old chief speaking English is all thing way endear them to me. As you know Dustin Hoffman is not a big man. The old chief tells him of a brave and past times that was not very big but had a very courageous heart. The old chief told Jack that he was like him and so he called him Little big Man. Probably my favorite scene of the movie old Lodge skins decided it was a good day to die. His idea was all throughout the movie and it was a reminder it have always felt the same way. None of us gets out of here alive. Old Lodge skins referred to their tribe as the "human beings" and viewed their values and is very understanding one and the old she was confused throughout the movie that the white man never seemed to understand this. After many decades old Lodge skins realized that this tribe would be "rubbed out" is white men never stop but it was never going to stop coming. It was after the Army came in and massacred one group of this tribe there were on the reservation promised them by the American government. The blood on America's hands is a whole different subject. In the last scene of the movie old Lodge skins said he did not want to live in a world without "human beings" and decided to climb up to an Indian burial ground and asked his son to go wThe two of them climbed slowly up to the spot where there was a funeral bier prepared. Old Lodge skins does a Indian dance with chants and when he is finished he tells little big man that he will lay down and die. He lays down slowly and is laying there for a while. Then starts to rain with very large drops in with the time of year we know the drops are called. There are large drops and after a few land on old Lodge skins face and he says to little big man am I still here? Little big Man says so patiently "yes grandfather". After more raindrops plopped down the old chief only rises and says I guess is not my day to die. They go back down the hill. Of course you couldn't love old Lodge skins anymore then you then.
So is actually the movie that gave me the idea that we should always be to die because that is the way of all men. I picked up other values they saw in western movies. One of those was that when a Indian became old poor in some way useless to the tribe you would go off by himself to die. I saw great wisdom in this and I find that our society is built differently. Many call Christian values and here's what I see is veryrather strange.
In my case have a very strange noncommon disease. Our health system and value system seem to be built on the idea that you have a disease will either get better or die. There is no physician assisted method of getting out of a chronic disease that may go years for terminal. This is the case I find myself in. One of the reasons lawmakers will not allow physician-assisted methods for people like me that they fear cases they cannot prevent misuse where an elderly person is euthanized so that their wealth can be passed on greedy relatives. So in my case is not an alternative and we must go through the torture of me and my loved ones until something happens to me like Pneumonia, infection or another type of medical problem. In my case I cannot realistically hope for a heart attack or some other sudden way of passing I can aneurysm or stroke. Have a strong heart and I used to have I blood pressure and felt that it had an aneurysm a weak spot in when my brain blood vessels it would've gone off by now. I'm now on a blood pressure medication that brings it down to a safe level. This will bring up my next post about where I've you are the 3 to 4 ways I have of getting out of this world. With the medical system is now we will go broke and news everything which is really much and I will leave behind you just to widow. Thoughts of this film me with great sorrow but there is nothing legal to do. I'm to debilitated do anything on my own that is not even on the table for consideration. I will try follow up later on this and after I'm done with this morbid train of thought will probably only post Bible subjects or animal stories. Thank you again forward to my blog dear one.ith him. Of course little big man said yes grandfather.

Weekly post – multiple subjects

I think this is the only post am making this week. It's been a little strange, this week. I've been plagued by voice problems, spent a lot of time away from my PC that I can use voice and doctor visits. I feel little rushed this week wanted to say anything to keep my blog going. Part of me is losing the desire to keep my blog going. I realize I am very compartmentalized and while part of me wants to keep the blog going other parts of me think what the point, I guess I am going downhill. Is becoming much more difficult to coordinate my voice, time with the PC and being home. It takes a lot out of me go to the doctor.
Went to the wound doctor Wednesday I got an unusual response from the doctor. I'm not sure how to place it into my odd MS factors. One of the issues with my MS is not considered terminal but I've been told in the last year that my diaphragm problems will be eventually. Now the wound doctor telling me that my skin is losing the ability to heal itself in my wounds don't appear to be getting better. In some ways I feel like I'm a walking dead man icon Green mile the movie. I don't feel like many closer to an and then I did a year ago but with this MS no one seems to know anything solid in my wife and I are left to figure it out on her own. Since I have having trouble cognitively this falls on her shoulders. Course she has no way of knowing or even guessing. It's always seem to do is guess.
I'm getting a note Jordyn better. I'm not sure this is a good thing. Have learned that she has a bit of a poser. When there is someone here she seems like a sweetheart to me. As is I'm here by myself with her I become chopped liver. She ignored me entirely as to the cats. She is really really good at being a real sweetheart when there is an audience. She really has the looking cute thing down to an art. Lately she has been stopping all over me there's someone here that she wants to take her outside. We call it, galloting me. Used to not mind it much but now she's gone more extreme and she makes him mad. But then she is super super cute it's hard to say mad. Not much else new to say about the critters.
Having more problems with my computer and smile mouse. It works really good in my living room one in the distance between my face and the computer is bigger. Is this on the edge of what I can read though. My bedroom computer is much closer my face. This makes it really hard to control the mouse when clicking to select something. Often the cursor jumps and clicks the wrong thing. Sometimes it clicks where were want and other times not. Using the virtual keyboard is quite challenging. One keyboard is too big and takes up too much of the screen and the other virtual keyboard is too small. I have not found a way of making in between one. This wears me out because many of the things I want to type in my voice software will not do it correctly. My only recourse is to type it in with the virtual keyboard. Often this means the cursor jobs around the screen especially if I am having rattling breath. This one of the reasons I think maybe I am close to the end of my blog because it just wears me out.
Well dear reader thank you for spending your time following me and God bless you all.

MS progression – some feel is like a punch in the gut.

I read an article today on a MS Facebook site. The man was talking about how it felt when he went to his neurologist and was told that his disease is progressing and he has new lesions. He described how it felt like a punch in the gut. He is only 31 and has relapsing remitting type. Unlike mine which I expect progress because it is that type (and is somewhat uncommon and the speed and debilitation of my progression makes it very rare) is type you would not expect a fast progression. It is only 31 and seems like he is unable to work though that was not real clear in the article. He also had discussed it with others and their comments on his site that they felt the same way. A punch in the gut. When I was first diagnosed my doctor said that I had a good prognosis for the type I had in the age I was. He thought I would be able to still be walking by the time I retired. This did not turn out to be true. Progression was unbelievably fast. Every six months or so I had to find a new way to adapt some physical loss. I walk with a cane as long as possible. A manual wheelchair did not work because of the weakness in my hands. Using a walker work for a while but then the weakness in my arms meant that wouldn't work anymore man to start thinking about a power chair. This is a whole different level. Ramps round the house and figuring out a way to all the chair. Like I said a whole different level physically and financially. I could no longer go upstairs to our bedroom. I started sleeping on a futon bed in what used to be our master bedroom. We really wasn't that big so I slept in there alone with my wonderful cat, Macy. She kept the company and I think this is about a year before we decided to find a ranch that can be modified fairly easy for me. I again could sleep with my wife. Is so comforting to me to her breathing when I wake up in the middle of the night. Somehow I know everything is all right.
So I have digressed a lot on the subject that started with. You do that a lot more lately. I used to read our children Winnie the Pooh books. We love Tigger and Winnie the Pooh is very sweet especially when you described himself as a bear of very little brain. I feel like that is what I am, as a man with very little brain. I know there cognitive issues with MS and that my brain is actually shrinking. Sometimes I feel like the witch in Wizard of Oz and gets wet and yells about it mouthing her. So back to my original is subject. Used to feel like physical losses with MS were like a punch of the gut. Have been to so many that now they just break my heart little more. I read about all these people who have diseases and they are described as courageous in the obituaries and warriors while they are alive fighting their particular disease. I'm no longer either. In my case and MS has won. I am a full quadriplegic and my voice and breathing are affected by weakness in my diaphragm. I'm trying the drug Ocrevus which is infusions every six months. It may have slowed the disease a little but if it works it will be too little too late of my case. I really needed something five years ago. I will try one more year of it and if I don't see something tangible I won't continue it. So I'm so glad that there are people who still have good attitudes, are optimistic and do everything he can to keep the disease at bay. God bless them and their big hearts. Well I'm going to sign off now because my mouth is getting wacky and I'm having trouble forming words correctly. Thank you again for reading my blog.

First National Box Day

I'm sure I'm probably late for national cat day. Story of my life, they late and a dollar short. So I'm going to rename this national box day and hope it catches on. My wife's retired sister stops over once a week to break the monotony. Today she noticed the cats were very into the boxes. We were going to get rid of them but the cats use them to play in and so it is hard take that away. We thought about getting a cat condo but we figured they would not use it and like the boxes instead. Kind of like kids at Christmas and end up playing in the boxes rather than the toys. She captured them in rare situations that went together. Slim sat on one top of the box looking out the window. She captured another rare situation where Jordyn was examining the cats rather than chasing them. Sort of an odd day. So here you go for the first and probably only "National Box Day".

My mixed philosophies part one

I promised a post about how my value system retains of things from when I was young. When I was in my early 20s I really didn't have much of a value system and drank a lot. My friend and I had motorcycles and we ripped around Cedar Rapids. I had a beard and was kind of a bad boy but never really got into much trouble. I'm not sure what my, wife who was my girlfriend back then, saw in me, but she had common sense and I didn't have much. My affection for her kept me from being too bad. I found that what her dad thought of me mattered a lot, probably because I had no relationship with my dad. He put all his effort into my stepmother, stepsister and his new son. I kind of felt like I was the odd man out and so be it. My best friend from the neighborhood when I was in junior high was really wild. He ended up being out of control to his parent's and they turned him over to the state. He was in foster care after that which is a whole other story. There is sure a big difference in foster parents. My friend Mike was really into Indian lore and values. He used to share these with me and we did some things like canoeing when there was a thin sheet of ice that we had to break through and camping in winter. That's what the Indians did so that's what Mike wanted to do. I thought a lot of the Indians' values like the great Spirit were a lot of bunk but I enjoyed some of the activities with Mike. One summer day after I could drive went to a nearby river and covered ourselves in mud climbed up and some trees and hung over the river and would jump off. Occasionally we did it when canoers went by. Most of them thought it was pretty funny. Of course I have digressed from my subject. This is probably why I am socially awkward and tried to avoid being around people I don't know. I either don't start talking or I start talking and and up rambling.
I'm not sure when but I saw the movie "Little Big Man". The story starts out with with his family heading west in a wagon train back in the pioneer days. They are attacked by Indians and everyone but he and his sister were killed. They were taken by the Indians. Why this resonates with me is because the main character, Jack, leads many different types of lives as he goes through on thing after another. He is brought up as an Indian and is picked on and humiliated by the boys. Eventually he gets angry enough that he punches his main tormentor in the nose. In this tribe that was never done and this tormentor was humiliated. Jack became one of the Indians and learned all of the Indian ways of this particular tribe. When he became old enough he went on a war party  and distinguished himself. He became the adopted son/grandson the main chief "Old Lodge Skins". The old chief was very wise and it was the start of the times when the Indians were being pushed out of their lifestyle by the whites. In this movie Old Lodge Skins imparted is philosophies to Jack who had been renamed Little Big Man based on a previous warriors name that the old chief told about. Is probably the wisdom of the chief they gave me some of my philosophies in life. One of them was that you always assume the best about things and of the people. This made me very naïve as I was also very gullible and naïve probably from bouncing around and moving a lot as I was growing up. I see I will have to continue this later as I am running out of speech energy. I have to suck my breath in and hold it in until my voice software is done writing the last thing. This wears out my chest muscles. I hope to continue this later and it will take me remembering where I left off. My memory is gotten extremely bad due to the combination of getting old and the double whammy of having MS affecting my brain as it progresses. Thank you again for reading my blog. You really enjoy posting about our pets. The other posts are more like a job that keeps me from just vegging out all day. Also it shared a little bit of my personality.

Hawkeye dog

Here is Jordyn with her Iowa kerchief on. Somehow she gets cuter and cuter and bratier and bratier. Am starting to think there is some connection between the two. She still knows how to schmooze Papa. Joe longer gets up at the crack of dawn on weekend mornings but has learned to sleep in a little bit. She will a with her head between my wife and my shoulders. I will tell her "shhh it is sleepy time". She either goes back to sleep are goes out in the other room looking for the kitties to chase. As long as she lets us sleep either works for me. The only thing she does that if she catches the kitties is to hold them down and sniff them in their bellies. For some reason they absolutely hate this. Probably the getting held down part. Lacy often teases her and will keep walking near her hoping she will get chased. I don't often get photos to add so this is kind of a treat. When I am here by myself not know the animals cuddle with me. When someone else's there Jordyn puts on a show and will put her head on me especially if they tell her to get off the bed. She knows how to play the sweetheart.

Problems posting.

I had hoped to post today but between rattley breathing voice program not doing very good.

Computer issues settled

I've got my computer swapped the one with voice recognition that works is my bedroom PC. I'm thinking that my future includes spending less time in my wheelchair even if and when the pressure sore has healed. Have known people who have had pressure sores that would not heal for years. My doctor gave me some hope that this one would heal but even if it does I don't think I will be able to spend as much time in my chair as I used to. I think this means that my main computer will be in the bedroom. I was going to replace the one in the living room with one that has a microphone card that works but now I'm rethinking that. I may have to table the decision until next year.
I was able to purchase a new set of earbuds that ever very small earbud portion so that is less irritating to my ear. It also has a very small wire part that goes behind my ear. There is so comfortable I cannot believe the difference. For them all day yesterday and all last night and I forgot they were even in. I use these so that I can do things on my PC like watching prime videos and TV shows while my wife is sleeping. She can also come in and watch a TV show before she goes asleep and I can still watch something else.
I have a headset with a microphone. I tried to get it set up to work and found the speaker in the computer bezel works better. They were very comparable either so I don't think it's a big loss. So I hope to keep posting fairly often. But now I'm ready to go as far as the computer situation is. An issue I have though is that I purchased a Dell two in one computer with a 10 inch screen. I chose it because it was the smallest screen size that still gave me flexibility with its other positions allowed. So far I haven't used those. I tried making a tent type configuration but that turned the screen upside down. Some of the applications won't work upside down so that shot that down. One issue with this two and one is that it is somewhat slow and really needs more RAM to run the voice software better. My son Dan is looking into replacements. I can probably live with a 11 inch screen hope would and want to go much bigger. I think of normal laptop would probably be fine. One advantage of the two and one is that it is also a touchscreen which helps when other people are helping me do things. I don't know if laptops are touchscreens but I suppose the good be learned if needed. Well I hope to post more in the future. It's funny because I think of things suppose about on Saturday and Sunday one Monday rolls around I have forgotten them. I should send myself an email with a reminder.

Health update post 2

Two other areas I should mention is the decrease in my trigeminal medication I'm trying to wean myself off of. We also had a frank discussion with the staff at wound clinic about difficulties functioning it is I get worse I still need to be alone as my caregiver must work for insurance reasons as well as income. I have gone from 10 tablets (200 mg) a day down to three now. I've tried getting down to three in the past being too aggressive thinking that my radiology treatment is advancing but I have to wait. Each time I've gone to three pain came back like gangbusters. I've been on three which is one every eight hours. Since Monday and so far the pain has not come back. I hope this holds out. So many times since I have been diagnosed with MS that I said "at least this or that still works" find that within a month or so that is gone and I have to adapt.
The other area discuss that we were able to have a frank discussion with the nursing staff and the doctor at the wound clinic pertaining to how difficult things are getting for me and I wish I was out of this body. They were very helpful one of the nurses used to be a palative care nurse and new how to maneuver in the system as well as having contact people she knew. Earlier this week we met with a nurse who work in that field for the hospital we use. We were able to get on file my medical wishes and that goes through their entire system. She was very helpful and will meet with a social worker that she put us in contact with probably next week. So I'm getting pretty worn out and will sign off. Again God bless you dear reader. PS, I didn't do myself any favors this morning. I had my wife positioned me before she left and I am off to one side and this is messing up my smile mouse. The cursor is jumping allover and clicks where I don't want to. Also won't click where I wanted to. It is difficult fighting the voice software as well as the cursor jumping over. Once again take care and God bless.

Health update – post number one

I'm having trouble finding at my living room computer. I have mentioned in past posts that I have a PC in the bedroom but the soundcard which includes any microphone functions no longer works. I only have voice recognition software on the computer living room. I'm supposed to stay out of the chair most of the time and so I don't have access. Of course I made this much longer than it should have taken because I was mentioned here and overthink everything.
The point I'm trying to get to is that is getting very hard for me to figure out my schedule with the limitations of the chair and spending more of my day in bed. I suppose I should've switched the computers a few weeks ago but I don't know how long it will take to heal. I still have my old mentality from decades of just splashing some alcohol on my wound throwing a bandage on it. It is in my wounds which I got quite often because I have always been a little klutzy. So I love the same thing for these I'm finding out that everything different now. I believe it because my circulation is very poor because I cannot move. I Used to be able to have my wounds heal in a couple weeks. I find it so difficult to get usWe went to the wound clinic yesterday. The doctor said pressure sore was getting better and the weird sore on my leg they got because I fell sleep while I had a motorized massager under my calf. I feel pretty stupid about it because I thought more than once I was getting sleepy and I to call my wife in to turn it off. But I convinced myself I would only be asleep for a little bit. I was the stupid part. I woke up an hour and a half later. The wound just kept getting bigger and bigger and now is needing redressed every day. Couple weeks ago the doctor use a scalpel to cut the dead tissue out of both wounds. It felt like somebody was pitching me with their fingernails. She asked if it hurt and I said not real bad because I was pretty sure if I said her she would give me novocaine shots. Experience has taught me that they overcame shots often hurt worse. I have found that I can tolerate quite a bit of pain if I know it will end soon. Lingering pain is what I find difficult to bear.
I asked the doctor in a blunt of matter because I did not want sugarcoated answer. I asked if there was any hope and either wound was eventually close up. I have a friend who is in a wheelchair from a spinal accident and this was unique him but he had a wound on his tailbone and bothered him for years. Know the situation is different but I have been having doubts that my pressure sore wou golf ld ever heal I think I got a straight answer that it was heading in the right direction. She would not commit to a timeframe I was encouraged that it was a little bit better. I again I have to thank my wife for redressing both wouns each night. Good golly Miss Molly I sure am a lot of trouble.
eSo long story yields the point that yesterday's visit was on the positive side. The news was good but not great but I believe I got a straight answer. I know some doctors want to sugarcoat things but that doesn't work with me. I think to literally and need a blunt answer. I have other news about my health but this post getting so long that I think I will make a second post if I have enough breath. Thank you for being my blog appreciate you all.

Short post about Jordyn

Don't have time for a long post I will have a short one about Jordyn. Sometimes she is stranger the cats. When she is a with me she mostly sleeps. Around 5 o'clock she expected my wife home if she is not a already home. At 5 o'clock gets on the footstool and looks out West window. She gets anxious sometimes he barks and if my wife will hear her. She also seemed to know what time it is for my son to let her out at one 45. This seems like she can tell time but I don't know how.
There have been a few times now where she gets on the footstool earlier and barks couple of times. Within a minute my wife turned the corner onto our street. I don't know how she does it. This seemed impossible for her to know my wife's SUV is turning into our neighborhood. She is definitely my wife's dog when she is home. She wants all of my wife's attention and she misbehaves a lot. When my wife sets on the couch she climbs all her. For some reason she thinks she is a lapdog. At night sometimes Jordyn puts her head on me. I think sometimes she chooses me because I don't move my wife turns over often. I am losing my voice I will sign now. Again God bless you dear reader.

Some good

Occasionally a few things, minor, should be mentioned but I tend to forget them. I have been able to lower the use of my trigeminal pain medication and have been taking four one day
and three the next. I have noticed my eyesight is better in the days with three. I'm really scared to go to three every day because I've tried that twice and the pain came back. I can tolerate a little bit of pain knowing that it should get better but those other times it was pretty bad. I noticed that  the numbness around my I has gotten further along in so I expect my jaw to follow suit. I used to try to educate myself with the Internet and self diagnosed things but I've stopped that a couple years ago. I realize I'm not a very good doctor.
My phlegm amount is decreased. Would say now that is caused by allergies. I know I'm allergic to cottonwood when they are dropping their seeds. I suspect have other allergies at the recent rains and cool weather have helped with. Again, who knows. I could end up being allergic to house dust. If I was working I would probably go to an allergy doctor. I am pretty sick of doctors so I wouldn't now.
One funny thing I think share is that I asked about wound doctor if I was a candidate for a bottom transplant and they said no one does that. I told them they could be first in the world. I told them as long as those about same size I didn't care what color was. Well I have to sign off now to take care dear reader and may God bless you.

My blog's purpose

Thank you all for your cares and prayers. I'm not sure if I have made this clear or not I would just like to say a couple things. One, the purpose of my blog does not include sympathy. But Is my way of keeping people care about me up to date because I don't speak well enough to tell them individually. Two, as far as I know the MS I have is not only rare but my case has advanced faster and further than anyone I have ever read about or that my neurologist expected. Three, my blog I hope to educate a little and entertain a little with the pet stories. Four, I still hope my sense of humor shows through in my wife makes me laugh every night putting me to bed. Five, I hope this is the last one. If I were to choose someone to get this disease out of all the people I know and care about I would all of my hand and say choose me. I would not wish this on anyone. Thank you again for caring but do not feel sorry for me. My wife perhaps but not me.

Sort of a health update (part one)

I went to the wound clinic yesterday. The spread of the fungus under my skin has been arrested but the actual pressure sore has gotten worse. The doctor is a very soft spoken lady and shared one insight into my future with these type of sores. There was a nurse there that used to be a pallative care nurse. She told us that each doctor could only focus on on their particular specialty. There were going to contact my family doctor (primary care) and suggests some things. The wound specialist said that due to my poor circulation and always needing to be either in the chair or laying on my back in bed, this would may not heal and pressure sores were going to be a problem going forward. I found this somewhat disheartening. I never imagined this particular problem in those terms. Her and the nurse mentioned that circulation problems would need a cardiac doctor which I have not seen yet and don't know if I ever will. Right now my circulation problems are wounds that don't heal well, my feet swelling some when I'm in my chair and cold hands and arms even if it is warm. They don't know why but my legs and ankles do not swell up. Compression socks do not have my feet only my ankles and legs. I tried them years ago and they really didn't do anything for my feet.
So to sum up some things my doctors have told me over the last couple years that are disheartening are these: my neurologist in answer to a question I had about how MS people die have MS (a been told for years that MS is not fatal) he said that the only way people die directly from MS is due to a weakened diaphragm so that one is not able to breathe. He said this afflicts me and I'm a candidate to do that type of MS I have. I asked the question in my wife was pretty upset with me for asking. That was early this year. The pulmonologist (of whom we were very disappointed with) said that my MS will probably need me to stop breathing and when I quit breathing I would die. He volunteered this and when I asked "soon" somewhat eagerly he started mumbling and babbling that with MS could be years and no one could tell. The asked if I had a DNR and I said yes. He asked if I would ever want to be on a ventilator and I said absolutely not. That was earlier this year also. I don't remember which doctor that due to my breathing week this I would probably be subject to the risk of pneumonia. Now the wound doctor tells me I will have problems with pressure sores more or less with the rest of my life. That is four dings out of four. That brings up bit of sadness that I will share later. My voice and software are acting up and I will have to sign off. I hope I'll be able to post some of my life philosophies that I got when I was young and so hold onto while being a Christian holding those values. Right or wrong it will be what I have.

Pet stories/update

I think I am due for your pet update. This is that no chronological order. Yesterday I saw Lacey sleeping on one in take me end of the couch on my left. The dog was called up against the armrest on the same couch. Early in the morning I'm not able to turn my head very much and my peripheral vision is a unable to focus because my glasses on the face forward.. The cats had her back to me and her head tucked in. He thought how nice I was and hope they would soon be cuddling up with each other. When Matt got here he went over to the dog and I was turning my head to tell him how nice it was that they were getting along. When I turned it out of the corner of my right I I saw Lacey in the cat bed. I took a better look and realized what I thought was the cat was really only a pillow and a light-colored dog toy. I thought this was funny.
I don't know if it's that bad weather we've been having but Jordan has been sleeping on the bed in the mornings after my wife leaves. Is nice to wake up to a little company. This morning she even put her had on my leg. For some reason this spake a lot of difference to me. As I have said she is either the Swihart or a stinker. Sunday she kept looking my pants because underneath there is a wound from falling asleep with a massager under my calf. The massager did not have a safety timer so I bought one and have not used it yet waiting for it to heal. She wore me out done her to leave me alone and by the end of the day I was pretty annoyed. Sweetheart or stinker.
 Some days Lacey or Slim just walks by Jordan and no chasing goes on. Other times the puppy comes out for and it's full on row. We keep telling Jordan to be gentle with the kitties and they will like her but she has a lot of puppy. She still has an agreement with Lacey when she gets in the cat bed she is safe. Those two are pretty entertaining. We used to collect boxes for my brother-in-law sold a lot of items on eBay. He doesn't do that much lately but my wife left a pile of boxes in the entry room and the male cat who is all gra and named Slim love to play in them.
I probably have more stories but I don't remember them now. My voice software is also flaking out. It would not work a Y on the end of gray. Then instead of correcting things changes the text so tiny they cannot be seen but messes up future dictations. I'm sure my weak voice contributes to this and also I have the headset laying on the computer because if I try to where it ends up getting out of position and I cannot put in the right place. I will sign off now and thank you again for reading my blog. I would love nothing more than one of the three pets become a cudedler. Take care my friend and made love of God bless your life.

Update

I read and hear about people with health problems that are fighters and warriors. I'm very happy that works for them and they are warriors. My history of primary progressive has taught me that I am neither. I spent many years trying to outwit, exercise and having a fighter attitude. I found in my case none of that mattered. MS is just Plugging along and has won. I have found that nothing I have done as mattered. I just have to keep adapting to the changes. Not too long ago I became a full quadriplegic. Can't even move my fingers. I'm now a picture of someone that has given up. I don't want anyone to have in my description alive or dead I have fought this disease. I now have to have everything done for me. My loving wife keeps having more and more to do for me. It breaks my heart. I just go where she says and try to do what she says. Have great difficulty communicating and I confused her because it trying to make conversation and telling her I have a problem that needs her attention come out the same. The solution is that I quit trying to make conversation. Is been very difficult because I have always enjoI now have a pressure sore that I've gotten mostly from the my chair and since I cannot move in bed I guess it's always got some pressure on it. I'm supposed to be turned on my side and switch the other side every half hour or so. This is impossible for us to do. There is only one side I can lay on and I can only indoor one half hour because of my neck pain. I cannot lay on my left side because I would fall off of the bed. We do the best we can but it does not seem to be improving. Sad to say but this is just one more thing for my wife to do.
I would say I have pretty much given up. I suppose if it happened earlier it would've probably meant suicide. That is out of the question now and no one worries about it because I cannot do anything. I really want to help my wife but that is no longer possible. Some days my eyesight is wacky and some days fairly good. I am hoping it is from the medication I'm trying to get off of and not MS. I pray to be let out of the body and be home with the Lord. So far this not happen. I'm told odd to talk about this because it scares people.
Strangely, Sundays seem the worst. I think it is because the commercials that they show with football games. The show people my age retired and doing fun things that I can no longer do. For some reason kayaking it has now become very popular and is in many commercials. This makes me miss kayaking more than I used to. Between the car commercials and investment/retirement commercials I feel like a moron because I am not prepared for my disease. I know would have been impossible to prepare for this but is one commercial after another.. Commercials make you feel like I should've been able to purchase $40,000 or more vehicles. Everybody in the commercials lives in a huge expensive houses. I like pro football but I'm thinking about not watching because of these commercials. I'm not sure what else to do. Usually Sunday football gives me a break from reading. I like reading but I need a break with something else now and then.
I am starting to lose my breath so I will need to sign off now. Thank you for reading my blog and all your thoughts and prayers. God bless you dear reader.

Politics, strange, strange and trained

I don't usually blog about politics but I think I will today. I started this yesterday but by voice software required a reboot so I couldn't keep it. I have the TV muted so I can use my voice software and have learned that body language tells a lot. I watch the accuser and I can follow about half of what is said with closed captioning. When they have a "special news break" it's mostly a lot of blah blah... but through all this which has taken weeks I have questions that I am sure will never get answered.
One of my questions is why was a 15-year-old girl at a high school drinking party? When I was growing up I had a sister and a stepsister that would never have been allowed to go out by themselves and to a party unattended by adults. They would've had to prove that a responsible adult would be there. All my friends and parents would do the same. I grew up in the 70's and this was a common thing. When I was in school there were a few guys who were notorious for having alcohol parties and there were two types of girls who would go. There were girls that were really adults much younger than everybody else. The other type that were naïve and were viewed as fresh by these fellows. Everybody in school knew about this, but some girls didn't believe it and went to these parties. Some of the stories were horrible and spread like wildfire. Of course is not their fault and they should've been respected. They went into a dangerous situation that I am sure they were warned about, but either didn't believe it or they thought they could take care of themselves. It didn't take much alcohol and the resistance common sense disappeared.
I have also wondered why our president did not select a woman. Women make up over half the population it seems to me three women should be a minimum having nine justices. I am sure there must be a qualified woman judge out there.
Cavanaugh seems like an odd choice and I wonder if if he is a Trump sycophant and has promised personal loyalty to the president and not justice.
Having learned to watch TV without the sound on, I have learned to read body language and follow the words. Many times body language is more telling than what is said. I've always gotten a creepy feeling from Cavanaugh. Watching I thought accuser came across as being at best eccentric. I have wondered if this event was so traumatic why has she not seen a therapist. The event was 30 years ago and her choices seem a bit odd to me.
Seeing her on TV with her hair looking like her picture on the news from a skiing trip is seems like her hair just came off the slopes. That part struck me as odd and most people when they're going to be on TV at least comb their hair. If I had a teacher with hair hanging in her face all the time and uncombed I would think eccentric and probably close to being a genius.
Of course these are questions that I will never have answers for. I don't want to comment on the outcome or the truthfulness of either because to be honest it's outside my pay grade. This is a democratic republic and our elected officials are required to address these issues. Sometimes this produces strange and sad results. I would hope that a new candidate that was more moderate could be chosen. Maybe that will happen.
I am running out of breath now so will sign off. Thank you again for reading my blog. I had hoped to post more this week ,but other things prevented me. One other thing would be my health and also the pets. After being exposed to these politics that leave me more troubled and confused I look forward to cat videos. It is nice to get the diversion of these extremists that fight for our votes.

Thought channels

I wanted to post yesterday but it didn't work out. Sunday we went to a local cider place that sold beer also. I don't like cider is just too sweet. Two beers of the up and I did not have a third. When I came home I was a little depressed. You know that song "too much time on my hands", that's one of my problems. When I daydream which is often and bind there are three channels my brain falls into.
There is the good channel, the bad channel, and the naughty channel. Naughty channel mostly involves things I can talk about because they are defiling. Much of the news lately has made me think about these things more than I should. I think about my high school days. I was never involved in anything like what I keep hearing about. But there was always a silly girl underclassmen that would go to these older people parties. They were viewed as fresh victims. Everyone seemed to annoy and these young girls would ignore the advice stay away. There were two guys in our school who were notorious for this. There was a lot of alcohol and drugs. Enough said. The longer I go fast my physical inability in this area less I think about it.
The bad channel is mostly self-pity. This is made worse because I thought the new drug that is infusions for my MS would give me use four days and I have on days of my right hand back. Is very difficult on days that I have difficulty with my voice because it is so faint. Yesterday was terrible. Today not so bad. Another thing that is bad is that even if I voice is there a cannot be heard above any background noise. That's my bad channel and one spend too much time in.
The good channel has two main types of thought. They are my meditations on the Bible and this yields an uplifting to my spirit. I wish I could say that I prayed a lot and I don't. I find when I started praying I began to daydream and cannot stay on task. I suppose I should practice more and maybe I will. There's also the channel where I think of my blessings in life. I have a great group of caregivers anchored by my wife. Have the last blessings to think about these days because I become more and more physically disabled. Loss of money problems in the future troubled me. The Republicans have changed Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security to "entitlements". This is strange to me because I've been paying and these systems since I was 16. Democrats been so far the other way they scare me to. Bill Clinton ran on a liberal platform was a moderate president. I wish we could have some moderation in our politics. Oh well, God is my provider and I need to stop looking at my troubles focus on what I do have. This is all I have energy for today take care dear reader.

Meditation of late

I was thinking the other day that Jesus healed many people. It is rarely mentioned but at the pool Bethesda were many who were not healed there as well as in Jerusalem and Samaria. There may have been people of faith. Sometimes I wonder why Jesus does not heal me. But I think of all the people at the pool waiting for the water to be troubled by an angel and they would step in and be healed. When I consider these people I realize there are many Jesus left in their same condition. This helped me accept my disease more. The Lord knows how much I want to come home and how much I want to stay with my wife. We have such a special bond. She always makes me laugh and I enjoy her deadpan type of humor. When I go home that will be gone because is only for this life. I so weary of my disease and the burden placed on her but I trust her to take care of me like no one else. I also Appreciate my son Matt a lot as well as Tom and Dan when they are home. I need to build more that daily trust in my Savior.

Jordan and Lacey latest

Am not sure how to deal with the pressure sore and time in my chair. The nurses instruction of getting up three times a day and only one hour in the chair is impossible in my situation. So instead of discussing my health I have a dog and cat story.
The cats are getting more comfortable with Jordan and she has toned down her behavior around them. Sometimes still gets a lot of puppy and chase them but they are starting to get along better. I mentioned once that Lacey the cat bed in the window. She has it timed out she knows how much time she needs in the living room before she get in the Bed before the dog can catch her. Sometimes she would just sit in the living room and wait for the dog notice her and then and Jordan starts toward her she wants the cat bed. It's pretty entertaining for her and for me. Jordan has accepted that the cat bed is home base like when we were kids and three was home base.
Now Jordan will put her front paws on the table and Lacey that's her lick her head and ears. If Jordan tries to stiffer belly she suspects it and will sort of wrestled with him until he stops. The other day Jordan gave her one of her toys. She was not impressed and Jordan seemed very confused and she did not want to share. It become extremely entertaining and some day I hope they will cuddle up but that is a lot to hope for. Jordan is is settling down a little. Does seem to save it up when my wife gets home. I wife sister retired recently she comes over once a week to see me. Jordan thinks is just like my wife and dominates her time here. She will try to climb up in her lap and sometimes is 60 pound dog can get there. She always tricks my sister-in-law do taking her outside. Words all she wants is to fight when she knows when she has a sucker.
I am running out of breath and am difficult with the voice software I will sign off for now thank you for reading my blog.

Cognitive MS problems

I hope to get this post in before my voice software goes wacko. I wish I could post about my pets but I'm not able to get to this PC enough because I have to spend so much time in bed. Went to the doctor on that yesterday and is coming along pretty good so I hope after next week I can spend more time in my chair.
I feel I need to discuss cognitive issues that become much more pronounced in the last year or so. I'm not looking for sympathy but just want to share and educate. My MS is the worst I have heard about. It has advanced faster than the doctor or the Internet information led me to believe.
My wife took me to the doctor yesterday there was a time when my fishing partner. It hit me pretty hard how much I have lost. There was a time my trout fishing buddy referred to me as the roadmap. If I went there once I had no problem going there again by memory. He was amazed because most of the trout streams were in obscure rural areas. There even ones in Wisconsin and I could go to by memory. I was always pretty smart.
Yesterday I had no idea where the doctors was that we went to last week. When my wife started out I wanted to tell her that she was going the wrong way. I held my tongue though because I trust her immensely. As we went there nothing seemed familiar and it was a surprise to me and I realized how much MS has screwed up my brain. I find it difficult because I say things and and they come out with the wrong thing. My brain and my tongue seems disconnected now. I am finding this difficult to accept. I am sure I will eventually because I have no other choice. I'm now along for the ride between MS and my caregivers. Everything I lose must be made up by mostly my wife and my son Matt. They have to figure out whether what I'm saying is coming out correctly or incorrectly. This makes me very angry with myself. All this is all I have breath for so I will sign off now. God bless you dear reader and I hope your life is going good.

Pressure sore problems

I went to the doctor abou. T my pr essure sore I have to stay in bed most of the time now. It is a fungus and the spores spread under my skin. My wife showed me a pic. The medicine she rubbed on it makes the spores show up as red. A picture totally freaked me out. I won't be able to post much because my bedroom PC has lost the use of the microphone so I cannot dictate or control the PC by voice.

Weird animal behavior

Recently Jordan and Lacey have shown on behavior. Jordan love everybody who comes to our house. She also loves all the dogs at the dog park. I wife took her on a walk with the leash the other day. Whenever she saw another dog he became extremely ferocious and scared my wife as well as the other person walking their dog. I g copy guess cannot go on walks now. I wife told me dog trainer at her class said some dogs get that w&ay on the lease.
 Last night Lacey somehow blasted out of the window on the screen porch and spent the night outside. She has never shown interest getting outside. My wife was worried about her and looked for in the backyard with a flashlight. I wasn't too worried because she likefoo. Sh and was there first thing in the morning.. Silly animals!

The blues MS style

Will I have not posted much lately. I've really been struggling with the downward effects of my MS. Is hard to get used to the idea that nothing will ever get better only worse. Especially my breathing. I have a lot of phlegm and am now having a lot of problems coughing it up. I cough for hours on the same staff and it takes a long time to cough it up. I cough on the same stuff for hours. It wears me down physically and mentally. Doctors have no solutions. It is just part of my MS. I used to have a positive attitude but lost that when my right hand but working and I became a full quadriplegic. I feel silly having optimism when I should've known nothing would ever get better. I am still struggling with my trigeminal neuralgia medication. I keep hoping I can get off it begins is screws up my eyesight. The doctor also says it lowers my sodium level to problematic levels.
I have gone from a positive attitude. I have been sad, discouraged, impressed and now I am just brokenhearted. I find our new cats and dog entertaining. None of them have attached himself to be likened Macy did. I know she was one-of-a-kind but I had hoped to get some affection out of these new ones. I think Lacey said toward cuddling with me until Jordan moved in. Jordan cannot stand another animal getting attention and sleeping on the bed. She chased the cat off and she hasn't been back since. Jordan does encounter with me either. So basically I am mostly brokenhearted and don't see ever coming out of it. It is probably better than when I was depressed because I shared that over and over by loved ones. Depresses me that I keep adding more and more things my caregivers to d will o. I will let cool can no longer do anything for myself except use smile mouse on my PC. I can read books and load up prime videos for Q3 pretty busy bad.
Now I have found out that I have pressure sores sitting in my chair. The wheelchair guy came yesterday and warned me that a pressure sore group of doctors will probably tell me lay on my side and not get in the chair. When I am on my side and can do nothing so I'm not looking forward to that. The benefit will be that hopefully my wife does not have to dress by would twice a day. Well I need to go now I'm running out of energy. Take care dear reader.

Animal games – hope you get read this

I have animal stories today to give you a change from my health stories. Sometimes Jordan is very attached to me, like during thunderstorms. One morning she stayed in with the when my wife went to work. She kept her head on my leg all morning. Today there were thunderstorms but no Jordan. She is not very consistent. She's my wife's dog and I just fell in the empty spots.
Also the time she seems to have an agreement with the cats. Lacey, the female, will creep up on the dog and she is untouchable and she is on it that dog is. If she thinks there is time she runs and jumps on the cat bed. Her agreement with the dog is that she is untouchable when she is on the cat bed. Somehow yet the agreement that she is untouchable. I'm not sure how they came to that agreement but it is. I find it funny. One day we had the windows open and Lacey a the female cat, Slim and Jordan have a different arrangement. Some days the cat just walks by Jordan and neither of them pay any attention to the other. Some days before the games were Jordan chased the cat. The cats seem to tease Jordan and he plays games around the kitchen island. He tricks a dog into going the wrong way and and he sprints down the hall to the safe room. Other days Jordan just has too much puppy and just chases the cats. Cats always find a way to be safe. I'm want to sign off now because my voice software makes a lot of mistakes. I hope you can figure them out. Hopefully my eyesight will get better as I drop off the pain medication. Jordan and [a cat] were looking out the same window together.

Problems with Jordan

I mentioned earlier that Jordan infuriated me last week on two occasions. I found it pretty disappointing because I want to bond with her and get her to Mike me. She has this habit of going to a footstool at 5 PM and days of my wife has things to do or goes to the gym. She starts barking for her at 5 PM. Her barks and with a yipping howl. He keeps this up until my wife gets home. Tuesday did this for over 50 minutes. Nothing I can say would stop her. She would just look back at me with a look that it sort of said screw you. I can't raise my voice anymore but I tried to get her attention to stop and was not successful. I seem to be able to to deal with it for a half hour and then it starts to get annoying.
We went to outdoor music about 15 minutes away on Friday. Used to be able to takeAtlas anywhere in the was so mild be made friends everywhere. Friday we tried to take Jordan out. It was a disaster. At one point she pulled so hard on the lease she toppled my wife over. She pushed through my mother-in-law's cooler and ended up cutting her leg. Started barking at another dog and she sounded terribly mean. My wife took her home. It seems we can take her anywhere except the dog park. I was so disappointed in her. I enjoy having her around and want to be able to take her with us but she's not going to do that and may never be. This week my wife put a bark collar on her and she goes to work. And a loud noise or barking gives a warning beep. That allows her to barks before it gives her a shot. This has quieted her during the day. The first day, Monday when she tried to bark for my wife and gave her a little shock. She pouted until my wife got home. Now she is much more domicile my wife is gone. My wife gave her bottom month to try to get her to listen to me but no luck without the collar. I enjoy your company a lot when I'm here and my wife is at work. Maybe she will copped out as she gets older. I so hope some day to get to take her with us but that may never work out.. Give me so sweet and we hope to have her share that if we go to outdoor music. Can always hope!